No I’m Not Alone
Noticing that I might be going through a hard time, some people have emailed me expressing their concern. Lovely. Thanks. Included in some of the concern is the assumption that because I am a pastor I am very isolated and lonely, which makes my struggle even more difficult. I want people to know: I am not lonely.
It is true that most clergy I know of and read about are lonely. I was explicitly instructed in seminary to not befriend people in my congregation, and that the pastor is to maintain a level of separation from his or her people… for many reasons (to avoid enmeshment, to prevent favoritism, to maintain objectivity, etc.). I grew up in that school and saw that school of thought modeled. Even with the last church I planted in 2002 I was instructed by my boss that I was not to let my people see my weaknesses, that they needed a strong and together leader to inspire them to their own strength. I understand that sentiment but completely disagree with it. So years ago I decided to break that model. I desired to be authentic for myself and to be authentic for whomever I pastored. It was a very difficult but very rewarding transition. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am surrounded by my community. They are my friends. I can be honest and authentic with them. They know and share my troubles as I do theirs. I am not alone. Of course, at the core of every person is a place that not even we ourselves understand, so there remains that natural existential alienation that we all occasionally sense. But I am not afflicted with the chronic loneliness that so many pastors experience. I am loved by many.
So pastors and parishioners, here’s some suggestions on how to get there if you aren’t already:
- Be patient as you make the transition. It took me years for people to get used to the idea as well as me getting used to the experience of being authentic, honest and known within a faith community.
- Expect opposition. Some people don’t want to know that their pastor has weaknesses. They want their pastor to be firmly on a pedestal and to never come down. I have lost friends because they are offended that their pastor has unpleasant shortcomings. I have been betrayed by people who decided, because of who I was, that I wasn’t worthy of leadership. Some prefer a strong and charismatic leader who has it together. Which is fine. There are plenty of them out there.
- Experiment with being honest, open and vulnerable with one or two people within your community that you think could be trustworthy friends. Hopefully they will be a part of your leadership team or elders. As you feel more comfortable and confident, expand the circle of friendship and authenticity.
- Some of my best friends are women. Generally speaking and in my experience, women are more open to and understanding of weakness than men are. Half of our leadership team is female. But men: this means learning and keeping appropriate boundaries with your women friends. Goes without saying.
- Enjoy male companionship. I have found that while women generally will get together to talk and do something else on the side, men generally want to do something and maybe talk on the side. So go work-out at the gym together. Go fishing. Play hockey. Watch a game. Shoot deer. Eventually times will come when you can talk about personal issues together. Take advantage of those opportunities.
- If you want your own authenticity accepted, this necessarily means that you must embrace the authenticity of others. It is mutual and two-sided. As trust builds in your relationships, vulnerability, authenticity and genuine love can result, leading to deeper and more significant friendships. But be warned: deep connection leads to deeper pain as you really do share the burdens of others. But it also can lead to greater rewards as you discover that you can travel greater distances when someone helps you bear your burdens.
- In my opinion, this pretty much limits the size of your community. Some studies show that once a community goes over 100 in number, the interpersonal dimension becomes thin and therefore more difficult. I don’t mind being part of a smaller community. I would prefer to start another one than to grow much larger in order to preserve the friendship factor.
- Expect to be humbled. There will be times when your weaknesses are serious. If your marriage is struggling and you’re the problem, or you struggle with pornography, or you are drinking too much, or you hate your job as a pastor, or you feel like you are losing your faith, or you’ve been stupid with your finances… these kinds of things are difficult to admit even to ourselves never mind others. You might not share this with the whole community but with the leadership team so that they can walk through it with you. Authentic love in community is often messy, chaotic and raw, but it is real. You can actually witness and experience healing. This is where you may find that friendship is tried, tested and true.
- Your community, if it has been based on the hierarchical model for instance, will experience a dramatic paradigm shift over time. Thankfully, we went through a horrendous split years ago that sped up the process. We were all hurting and we all knew it. There was no point in trying to hide it. We are still on our journey towards, as Henri Nouwen would have called it, a “wounded healer” type of community. It becomes more rich and beautiful (or more offensive depending on your perspective) over time.
- Prepare yourself for transformative change. When you start loving across instead of down, it will challenge the way you see, treat and accept people into your life. It will change the way you do community, the way it is run, maintained and managed. It will redefine what success looks like to you. You will have to discard much of what you’ve been taught and assumed. But it is worth it. Your community will become what it is intended to be: a functional family of friends.
No, I’m not lonely. I have many friends. I am loved. In fact, it is because of the safety of this love that I feel liberated enough to express myself more openly to you, dear reader. Imagine if I, a pastor, didn’t have a supportive and loving community: I would pretty much have to remain anonymous for some of what I write, wouldn’t I? So, what other suggestions or advice or dangers might be noted in regards to this? Feel free to comment.
alienation, church, community, friendship, isolation, loneliness, love, ministry, naked pastor, pastor, support Share This
Wow this was so good to read. Someone asked me just last evening how I could be so rawly honest. And I said that over the past couple years I had learned to be authentic.
So when I read 3 and 6, I could see how this process began for me. I have been changed since becoming a part of a community who walks in authenticity (at various levels of course).
And, as you may have noticed everytime I tell someone that you, David, are my Pastor, I always follow it with, you being my friend. “My Pastor and Friend, David”. Because the two do not usually go together.
Unlike any other pastor I have had in my life, there isn’t very much about me that you do not know… and that is because you are my friend not my pastor. As my friend you have listened and love me through some pretty heavy stuff. And as I stilll journey out this life of mine, you walk beside me as Pastor and Friend… without both, it just wouldn’t be the same.
I love you!
As a pastor attempting to do the same thing–befriending sinners, I have noticed that it stinks big time, which is why pastors are taught not to do it. The point that you brought out, their disapproval of the “weak” style of leadership, really hurts. It’s unreal. It sucks the life out of ya. Anyway, I rejoice in my friends as well. We’re all in this together! I enjoy hearing your thoughts.
recognizing your own sin and that you are a sinner first and foremost and chiefest is the start. good point jeff
>> this means learning and keeping appropriate boundaries with your women friends.
Thanks for tips, Dave. I think I have a long ways to go to become authentic because I’ve been non-authentic for as long as I can remember. One of my biggest secrets is I am incredibly insecure and I work very hard to hide it. Most time when I am having a conversation with someone half of my brain in conversing and the other half is critiqueing what I am saying. “Did that sound sincere? Was that witty? Did that sound stupid? Was that offensive?” It’s kind of exhausting. Then I go home and go through the conversation again. Funny thing is I’m probably not fooling anybody.
That ol’ Bob Marley Song comes to mind, Could you be loved, and be loved…
Could you be loved and be loved?
Could you be loved and be loved?
Dont let them fool ya,
Or even try to school ya! oh, no!
Weve got a mind of our own,
So go to hell if what youre thinking is not right!
Love would never leave us alone,
A-yin the darkness there must come out to light.
Could you be loved and be loved?
Could you be loved, wo now! - and be loved?
(the road of life is rocky and you may stumble too,
So while you point your fingers someone else is judging you)
Love your brotherman!
(could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved? )
Dont let them change ya, oh! -
Or even rearrange ya! oh, no!
Weve got a life to live.
They say: only - only -
Only the fittest of the fittest shall survive -
Stay alive! eh!
Could you be loved and be loved?
Could you be loved, wo now! - and be loved?
(you aint gonna miss your water until your well runs dry;
No matter how you treat him, the man will never be satisfied.)
Say something! (could you be - could you be - could you be loved?
Could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! say something!
(could you be - could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! (could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! say something! (say something!)
Say something! say something! (could you be loved? )
Say something! say something! reggae, reggae!
Say something! rockers, rockers!
Say something! reggae, reggae!
Say something! rockers, rockers!
Say something! (could you be loved? )
Say something! uh!
Say something! come on!
Say something! (could you be - could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! (could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! (could you be - could you be - could you be loved? )
Say something! (could you be - could you be loved?
Loneliness is a choice for all of us. I choose love.
Anyway, where am I going with this??? Maybe nowhere but this song sure makes a great ring tone lol
Love your community David!
np said:..”recognizing your own sin and that you are a sinner first and foremost and chiefest is the start.”
no, No, a thousand times NO! Recognize that you are a human, with some, most, or all the frailties that come with being one, living around and with others. But sin, NO!
I could never again subscribe to the philosophy that some thought or deed of mine could be so monumental as to offend a God.
Sorry for the rant Dave. I have been thinking of you.
bob
i recognize what you are saying bob. i somewhat agree, in part. my point was that we can only approach others in their weakness or whatever only when we first recognize our own. human frailty works too.
David,
I have been preaching for the past few weeks on the differences between Judas and Peter. Both had remorse, but hung himself the other went on to become a great apostle. Why? Whay made the difference. I won’t preach the sermons here, but “Fellowship” was a key issue that helped Peter. Judas made a second disasterious decision–death; Peter didn’t make a second disasterious decision. Just a short study will show who Peter was hanging out with within 48 hrs. after denying Jesus.
Peter had to forgive himself and move forward, but how were the others going to treat him? A liar and a coward! In teaching that lesson, how will we as a congregation treat a terrible sinner among us, I used an example of how I almost destroyed a young Youth Pastor many years ago. I gave them the warts and all.
I agree, David, to stay distant from our congregation is to never become part of community we shepherd. Besides, does any pastor really believe that his folks don’t know he has a past, a past of sin and deceit?
Oh, went out fishing and caught a nice Steelhead this morning. Some would say, wow, you sure fish a lot for a pastor! Yep, it keeps me sane. And that big Owl that landed in the tree beside me–what a treat.
MAKE IT a great day.
fishon
fishon: what about letting the people know you have a present-tense that has weaknesses?
It’s natural for us humans to want to have someone to look up to, that perfect guy who would never fall.
He’s our aspiration, or perhaps he could also be our sacrificial lamb, by being the good guy that we could not be, or don’t believe we could be.
Dave,
Good one - you are a member of the community, no more, no less. You are surrounded by family and friends, and some friends on this blog too.
Take care mate,
Sas x
So refreshing! My dad was a pastor, so I’ve always been close to my pastors and their families over the years. I think an elevated pastor is the opposite of what Christ intended. Real, genuine, struggling, honest pastors are what He had in mind. Many people say the church is full of hypocrites and if the leadership is self-righteous, then how can they expect the lay people to be real?
Thanks for laying this out for those who may be struggling with hiding behind their masks!
What an excellent, wisdom-rich post. For a long time now, this invisible division between “the clergy” and the “the others” has bothered me. It’s really refreshing to hear someone on the dark side–(I’m being sarcastic obviously)–discuss HOW pastors can reposition themselves as part of the flock and not above or beyond it.
On a bit of a tangent, have you read the book Pagan Christianity? by Frank Viola and George Barna, David? The premise of the book is that many of the methods used by modern churches are not those taught by Christ and the early Christian church planters but are traditions which were patterned after the pagan societies of the Greeks and Romans. The authors posit a different, albeit revolutionary for most, way of engaging the church in worship.
I just finished the book this morning and am still digesting much of it. I think I am struggling with exactly what to DO with the information. Here’s a snippet from Chapter 5: “The Pastor”: “Professional loneliness is another virus that runs high among pastors. The lone-ranger plague drives some ministers into other careers. It drives others into crueler fates…It is ‘lonely at the top’ because God never intended for anyone to be at the top–except His Son!” p. 140
I’m so thankful that you have closed the gap between pastor and congregation and have/are fashioning a true community of ministers who support one another. I think it’s harder but much more loving (and therefore easier) that way.
NP said/asked, fishon: what about letting the people know you have a present-tense that has weaknesses?
——–Ohhhhh yea, they know of my weakest spiritual weakness—cause I need their prayers to seek God on my behalf so as to be strengthened.
——–Ohhhh yea, they know of my weakest physical weakness—for the same reason.
fishon
A friend of mine talked about the concept of the second loneliness. It is that realization that I am the only one that really knows what its like to be me. At least that is what I believed at the time. Its very interesting what happens when I place my attention on someone else. Not with the intention of helping, but with the intention of experiencing who they are. Its very interesting the things that begin to flow between us.
I think when a relationship is based on outcomes, (e.g. Pastor helping sheep) there is an imbalance and this expectation limits our awareness of all the potentials. I have been more aware of where I place my attention and how it makes me feel. I have been pleasantly surprised by the incredible amount of experiential information available when I place my attention outside myself with no expectations of any particular outcome.
Just sharing some thoughts on what I have called the second loneliness.
I don’t know, Richard. Seems to me Jesus and the writers of the Bible teache helping others is a very high calling.
You said: I think when a relationship is based on outcomes, (e.g. Pastor helping sheep) there is an imbalance and this expectation limits our awareness of all the potentials.
—–Elaborate. “Potentials” of what?
—–Jesus said in Joh21:17, “Feed my sheep.” Jesus certainly didn’t see helping sheep as an imbalance for Peter.
—–What does James say was “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this…?”
—–Gal. 6:2 is pretty strong.
You said: I have been pleasantly surprised by the incredible amount of experiential information available when I place my attention outside myself with no expectations of any particular outcome.
—–So if you meet someone new, and they treat you like garbage you don’t move away from a relationship with them? Are you saying you have “no expectations,” therefore everyone you meet you have the same relationship with?
fishon
[…] 14. David Hayward gives some tips on how churches and pastors can develop authenticity and transparency . Great stuff. […]
I think this is why I’m glad I got started in youth ministry. Teenagers have a huge capacity to detect crap in adults - often not so much from each other - and playing pretend just doesn’t work for long. I’m just not good enough to keep up the pretense. Every time we gather with newcomers or new leaders here I make sure to make this promise to them and it’s the only promise I make: I WILL disappoint you.
I went to a non-denom Bible College and they taught us the same thing: distance. Even though they said never to call yourself a pastor. Crazy. Literally.
oh, and bob - I think someone lied to you somewhere in a sunday school past about the definition of ’sin’.
Thinking about growing together ………… and growing old with this community is a source of joy for me.
Same for me and mine Jill.
Blessings,
Sas x
Hey David. Thanks for the road map. Take your time, and try to have some fun. Get away with the fam for a while. It normally reminds me of why I love them.
Being open can lead to confusion, hehe…
Thanks for posting your thoughts about your transition!
I was never a pastor, only an occasional leader, so I really haven’t got much insight there. I know people who may benefit from a little glimpse of wisdom from someone who’s been through this.
Love the cartoon!
And thanks for creating this opportunity for discussing these important and relevant topics.
Cheers! thebutler
Excellent. Really helpful post. Glad I read it.
I am a child of the manse and a wife of the manse and so much of what you say rings true, even what you say about being told in your training not to have friends in the congregation. (Advice we have thoroughly ignored too, although I have heard another minister friend say he sometimes thinks that ministers’ friends in a congregation pay a price on occasion as there can be a bit of jealousy from others, especially those who were close friends of previous ministers…)
I’m also struck by the talk of masks (AG Feb 27th). I work in prison chaplaincy and the guys wear masks a lot - mainly of the “I’m hard” variety. It’s a survival thing of course, but isn’t it interesting that in this day and age even a secular body like the Scottish Prison Service employs clergy specifically (though this isn’t how it’s worded in the job description!) to be people before whom prisoners, and indeed staff, can take off their masks and be real. I wear my own far less than I used to and feel for those for whom their mask feels permanently welded on…
[…] 14. David Hayward gives some tips on how churches and pastors can develop authenticity and transparency . Great stuff. […]