Her Guidance Through Darkness
You, my readers, have become familiar with my good friend Sarah who lost her boyfriend, soon-to-be-fiancé to suicide on January 8 this year. Read here and here and here to catch up if you aren’t aware of what’s going on. The other day Lisa and I were visiting with her, having drinks and chatting, when she told a story that I thought you’d all like to hear about. It’s about how she’s felt God guiding her through her grief. I asked if she’d mind writing a post about that for nakedpastor. She sent it to me the other day. She also gave me the accompanying photo which I embellished with words. Nato took the photograph. Those were happier times. I doctored the photograph and received Sarah’s permission to post this creative endeavor of mine. I feel it expresses so many of the things she’s going through. By the way, she appreciates so many of the kind words this online community have given to her. So bless you!
So, here’s her story in her own words:
“My Guidance Through Darkness”
church, death, friendship, naked, pastor, photography, suicide Share ThisBefore Nato died, a few days before, I felt I should read psalm 57…”Be gracious to me O God, be gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge under the shadow of your wings. My soul will take refuge under the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed”. It didn’t really mean anything to me at the time. Then he died. He took his own life…’my soul will take refuge under the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed’. When we got home from Ontario, Nato’s funeral, the Lord said, “You’re going to be out for the next three weeks, lie down, but don’t worry, Nato and I are making the plans”. So I laid down. Again, later he said, “the next 4 days are going to be dark’, so I told my mom, “I feel that the next few days are going to be very dark, pray for me and take care of me’. And they were dark.
In March I sat outside one night having a smoke and was overwhelmed by starkness and terror that my love, my beloved, was gone, and that he took his own life. I felt the Lord say ‘ the third month is going to be the worst’. I came inside and told mom, and she told me that statistically the third month is the hardest because there is no shock left to buffer the pain and suffering. I’m glad I didn’t know that before. In that same moment outside with my smoke, I felt, or saw, the words ‘March 21st’, and ‘equinox’. I didn’t know what equinox meant, so I looked it up and the definition said, “When the day is longer than the night”. When the light becomes more than the dark. And March 23rd, I got dressed when I woke up, the first time I have felt like it since Nato died.
Though I may rant and cry through my grief and suffering that God is not faithful, He is.
I assumed that Sarah would feel vacuous/empty while under the burden of so much grief. And that would, absolutely, be okay. That’s not the case, though. The words and pic above are stuffed with God’s comfort and care for her. This is the thing we’re all so desperate to see - at least I am - that God is there for us in our sorrow. And knowing this (in the feeble way that I’m able to), allows me to look those sorrows in the face because I’m not alone.
I’m a mess after reading this…
Healing. Very Healing.
Thanks.
Thanks for this post. I needed it at this time. My prayers are for Sarah and her family and friends.
Sarah, you are in my prayers. God promises He will be with us even in the valley of the shadow of death. Your story gives me even more hope that this is something True. May you find peace, comfort, hope, and yes–even joy–today.
This post was especially meaningful for our family right now, too.
Sarah, praying for you as you go through these very difficult stages. It sounds like you are surrounded by good, loving people. What a blessing that is.
What could one say after reading such a thing? I feel so very privileged to get a glimpse at the intimate care that Sarah is receiving from God.
Sarah we love you and even though Jon and I haven’t said much (a loss for words), you are consistently in our prayers and thoughts.
Praying for you, dear…….
I love you, my Sister.
wow.
That was AMAZING. Clearly God is amazing. But I think He’s made Sarah that way, too.
thats amazing.
sarah, your a new hero of mine.
This was so powerful and beautiful! Sarah, you are in my prayers.
Thank you for letting David post your inner most thoughts Sarah, praying for you.