nakedpastor

Noticing that I might be going through a hard time, some people have emailed me expressing their concern. Lovely. Thanks. Included in some of the concern is the assumption that because I am a pastor I am very isolated and lonely, which makes my struggle even more difficult. I want people to know: I am not lonely.

It is true that most clergy I know of and read about are lonely. I was explicitly instructed in seminary to not befriend people in my congregation, and that the pastor is to maintain a level of separation from his or her people… for many reasons (to avoid enmeshment, to prevent favoritism, to maintain objectivity, etc.). I grew up in that school and saw that school of thought modeled. Even with the last church I planted in 2002 I was instructed by my boss that I was not to let my people see my weaknesses, that they needed a strong and together leader to inspire them to their own strength. I understand that sentiment but completely disagree with it. So years ago I decided to break that model. I desired to be authentic for myself and to be authentic for whomever I pastored. It was a very difficult but very rewarding transition. Now I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am surrounded by my community. They are my friends. I can be honest and authentic with them. They know and share my troubles as I do theirs. I am not alone. Of course, at the core of every person is a place that not even we ourselves understand, so there remains that natural existential alienation that we all occasionally sense. But I am not afflicted with the chronic loneliness that so many pastors experience. I am loved by many.

So pastors and parishioners, here’s some suggestions on how to get there if you aren’t already:

1. Be patient as you make the transition. It took me years for people to get used to the idea as well as me getting used to the experience of being authentic, honest and known within a faith community. (more…)
   alienation, church, community, friendship, isolation, loneliness, love, ministry, naked pastor, pastor, support

Right now I’m feeling like I have nothing valuable to say. I need, once again, to pull back. I am suffering. My wife is suffering because of it, and so is my family. I immediately need to pull back from lots of things to focus on what is most important to me. Right now, if someone offered to buy nakedpastor at a reasonable price, I would probably take it. Stay tuned. We’ll see what happens.

I’ve been thinking about what holds us together as a community. This has been on my mind because of the many people I hear from, almost daily, who are hungering for true community but can’t find it. I see this especially in the young, who have no interest in what used to define community. They are looking for something else.

It has become obvious to me that, for instance, it isn’t the marriage license, the certificate, the paper, that holds a marriage together. It has also become increasingly obvious to me that neither do the vows, the promises, or the wedding ceremony, hold a marriage together. I’ve also become aware that compatibility, having things in common, sharing a common goal or vision, is not the cohesive glue in a relationship either.

Translate this analogy of marriage into community life, you have the same thing. Being a member does not hold a community together. Being a part of a church doesn’t keep it. Neither do the sacraments or vows or promises. Neither does theological unity or common goals or a shared vision hold it together.

It can only be love, mutual love, that holds a relationship or a community together. What I am trying to say is that we have to get to the place where we realize that we just can’t expect people to remain committed to each other because it is expected, or promises were made, or there is uniformity in whatever area, or that there is a common goal we’ve set for them. People, especially younger people, aren’t interested in uniformity, conformity, or forms of any kind. There must be genuine acceptance, honesty, authenticity, freedom, and love for community to work. This requires intense energy from each person, and nothing outside of themselves can be called upon to ensure the relationship will work… no authority, document, ruler, goal, vision, practice, or tradition.

This is why I don’t strive for theological uniformity, homogeneity in life-style, protocol, authority, submission, legal agreement, or anything of the sort. These no longer matter. It comes down to love, its practice. That is, the way of love.