Are you a victim of a more subtle abuse?

"A Subtle Abuse" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

“A Subtle Abuse” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

Are You a Victim of a More Subtle Abuse?

I know “abuse” is getting used a lot these days. Spiritual abuse is becoming a more recognized reality even in psychology circles. Religious PTSD is also a newly recognized field as well.

Some might say that I’m using the word “abuse” too liberally because they would claim that it means a cruel and violent treatment of another person. Certainly this is abuse. But abuse can also mean the improper use of something or someone. That is, when we don’t respect people as they are and allow them to be as they are, this is a more subtle form of abuse, the logical conclusion of which leads to a kind of violence against the human spirit.

In fact, this is a problem I think is going to increase. As we become more outspoken against obvious abuse and broadcast it without restraint, I believe abusers will go underground and become less and less obvious and more and more subtle in a way that will require a more insightful and exacting discernment.

No, we don’t tape people’s mouths, cuff their wrists, shackle their feet, put them on a leash, or set them in a cage. Not literally. Rather, how do we silence people, limit their influence, constrict their involvement, prevent their movement, manage their actions, and control their lives? How do we punish people for not conforming? These are the real questions that can expose where true abuse is happening.

Sometimes I get this kind of response from people: “It’s their own fault for being abused because they stay! All they have to do is leave and it’s over!” On the one hand I agree. However, on the other hand, this is another dilemma people face: many want to be a part of a community, especially their religious community. There are many people who long to be a part of a church.

The choice now seems to stay and suffer some abuse or leave and suffer profound alienation.

What strategies are being used, consciously or unconsciously, to keep you under control?
What is being done to make you conform to being a viable member of the unit or community?

Here are the more subtle ways you may be being abused without you even knowing it. This can occur in any relationship from a spouse and a family, to a pastor and a church, a boss and a company, a leader and a group, or people of influence and a movement.

  1. You are not allowed to speak your mind honestly and truthfully.
  2. You can only play if you meet certain expectations.
  3. You can’t apologize enough.
  4. You can still give but receiving is limited.
  5. Your loss of respect in their eyes can never be remedied.
  6. You live in constant fear of an outburst of anger against you.
  7. You’re allowed to live but your benefits have been severely cut.
  8. To criticize them is wrong because you criticize the ultimate good they represent.
  9. They have a network of peers that will rally around them for protection.
  10. You’re warned that your life will get drastically worse if you leave.

There may never be raised fists or raised voices. There may never be any overt threats or ultimatums. This can all happen behind close doors or in broad daylight with nice clothes and smooth voices. In fact, often you might be tempted to believe some people who think you’re hearing and seeing things and maybe a little crazy and unwell. I always encourage people in such situations to trust their gut. Test it. Push that button a little harder or once more and see if it becomes more obvious.

I’ve heard many times that it is naive to expect a community to exist without controls. I do agree that there is a sensitive dance between personal freedom and corporate responsibility. But I believe we have opted for the exercising of subtler forms of crowd control at the grave expense of providing space for personal freedom.

I’ve also heard that I’m being petty to critique so finely. I’m encouraged to give people, particularly leaders, a break. I’m reminded again and again that I’m being merciless and trivial, and that I’m betraying my own resentment at not belonging the way I covet to belong. I’m told I’m angrily throwing stones at a house and people I willingly abandoned and that I need to grow up, return penitent, or finally leave and shut up. But what if I believe in the value of community and want people to build, facilitate and be them in healthy ways?

Find or build a healthy community starting with your healthy self. Until then, it is necessary to leave these kind of codependent and toxic relationships and systems. Yes, we will experience a period of alienation. But I’m convinced that over time we will find nomadic comrades who have suffered the same kind of abuse and rejection. We will discover that we are a part of a new tribe who accept us as we are and give us freedom to express it. Together we will withstand the powers that have cast us off and rescue others from them.

We will be like a band of prophets who live in the desert threatening authority.

I invite you to consider such a community, The Lasting Supper.

SHOP

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11 Responses

  1. Jarred H says:

    You mention the word violence, which is another word I think is too finely attuned. Violence can mean more than physical violence. Manipulation and subtle forms of coercion are a type of violence in their own right.

    I think it’s also important to note that the more subtle forms of abuse often form the foundation which allow the more overt forms of abuse to stand.

  2. Kit says:

    Yes yes and yes. Thank you for this.

  3. Kit says:

    Happy New Year! 😀

  4. Deanna D says:

    I know that people try to dissuade your craft, but when you write, you write the story of my life. It truly resonates with me. I once had that exact thought, that my choice was to “stay and suffer” or to “leave and suffer.” I chose to leave…and I suffered. I was cut off cold; however, like you predict, the people I have in my life now are authentic, healthy relationships. The whole and vibrant person I am today is hardly recognizable from the broken shell of a person I used to be. It takes such incredible strength to leave abuse that it becomes a new birth. Please, take heart, our brave Pastor Hayward. Your art removes the gags, unlocks the shackles and opens the cages, and I can’t imagine a more important role than the one you have chosen for yourself.

  5. Dirk says:

    victim Olympics….

  6. dirk says:

    that you are in the “ministry” of identifying victims, making sure they know they are victims, and keeping them in the victim mindset

  7. Gary says:

    dirk…that’s kind of…cute. It’s cute because your thinly veiled attack is so blatantly fueled by blind dogma that I can’t help but smile when I read it. It is so obviously driven by fear, the fear that a person or idea can come along and shatter your carefully constructed belief system, that I can’t help but chuckle.

    I am curious though. Would you say the same thing to a battered wife? Or do you also believe that once the battered wife is finally free of her abuser, she should remain in silence, allowing other unsuspecting women to fall into the same life of abuse at the hands of the attacker? You see why I called your attack cute? It is because it is not only profoundly naive, but so devoid of any moral conscience in seeking to shame the victim that it actually seeks to protect the attacker.

    Wait…maybe that’s not so “cute” after all!!

  8. dirk says:

    no, i would not say the same thing to a battered wife. your article discusses “more subtle” ways people may be being abused. you say it yourself, you have heard this criticism before,. consider me one of those, i cant help but chuckle at the irony of your blind dogma…..all are victims, whether they know it or not

  9. Gary says:

    Curious dirk…Do you struggle with reading comprehension as well. You reply to MY comment but seem to refer to David’s post as my words.

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