how to get away with abuse

"Get Away With Abuse" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

“Get Away With Abuse” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

Of course, the best way to not get caught abusing someone is to not do it in the first place.

But, if you do abuse someone, it is important to have a few things in place: fame, finances, and friends. If you have none or only a little of these, you’re doomed. However, if you have a suitable amount of reputation, money, and connections, then you will do well.

So, this helpful post is preventative in nature, not remedial. If you abuse someone before you have these useful tools to employ, it’s already too late. You need to have these prepared and at the ready for when your abusive behavior comes to light. Smart people know this.

The news is flooded with examples. For instance…

If you abused your wife, you can use your platform to tell your side of the story and drown hers out, spend your money to tie her up in endless litigation, and call on your friends to say things like, “It was just a messy divorce and you should mind your own business.”

Or, if you sexually molested young girls, you can use your fame to your advantage because we all know famous people get away with more than nobodies. You can also hire expensive lawyers as well as spin-doctors and news releases. Also, you can get other famous people to say things like, “Hey, we all make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect!”

Perhaps you prefer boys, in which case you can use the resources of your organization to protect yourself by intimidating your accusers with its enormous and unbridled power and fame. You can also dip into its bottomless purse to promote another version of the story and tie things up in court. Finally, you can get other famous people to say things like, “We didn’t realize that sexual abuse of a child… constituted a crime.” Simple.

Also, if you are a bully towards the people who gather around you and they finally require you take a sabbatical and get professional help, just quit! Then, you can use your reputation that is still untainted in the eyes of other famous people to start a whole new thing. Use your money to launch a new career! Call on your friends to give you opportunities to do your thing. You’ll be back in no time.

See? Easy as that. So, if you want to get away with abuse in the future, you need to start building these three things now! Begin making a platform for yourself and increase your reputation. Make a lot of money. Build a network of connections, especially with other important people. I promise that if you get in trouble, these three things will all rally around you and help you survive the accusations and quickly get you on your merry way and back on your trajectory towards success.


You may also like...

15 Responses

  1. Tim WB says:

    For those who missed it, this post is satire…
    There’s always one!

  2. haha thanks tim. i was hoping that if it was not obvious then we’re really in trouble! 😛

  3. Sabio Lantz says:

    Thanks for the pointers! Now all I have to do is try to think of someone I would WANT to abuse. Never been able to do that. Any suggestions?

    [see Tim WB’s fine note above]

  4. cy says:

    When I google “Tony Jones” the first page of articles that comes up includes your blog post: “Tony Jones on Mark Driscoll: Which Came First, the Thug or the Theology?” and the Warburg Watch blog post on his abuse of Julie McMahon: “What Tony Jones Should Learn From Stanley Hauerwas”, and, “The Evidence Against Tony Jones- R.L. Stollar.”

    Every time that someone searches on the internet using his name that is what they see first. And then every time someone clicks on one of those blog posts, those articles move up the list closer to the top and stay there.

    So that might be what will make the difference today—instead of power and influence being able to control what information people see first, the sheer number of people who are wanting to have the real story on what’s going on—in this case the story of Tony Jones’ abuse of his first wife Julie McMahon, and that he tried to avoid paying child support and so on—will be what is seen by the world.

    I assume that is what Tony Jones is worried about and why he is trying so hard to bully people into not talking or writing about what he did and is doing.

  5. Tim WB says:


    Google personalises everyone’s searches, whether they are logged in to a Google account or not. This means that different people can see different search results, depending on their search history and what they click on (as you say), but also their location, language, type of browser and computer, and various other factors. Google says there are 57 factors used to personalise search.

    So you might be seeing the result of your own online interests, rather than exactly what everyone sees.

    For example, when I search Tony Jones online, I see the Australian TV presenter, most likely due to my location. And despite my browsing habits!

    However, every time someone links to one of those posts, and talks about it online, it increases the likelihood that Google will boost it for everyone. Which could be why Tony so desperately wants to scrub the Internet of negative press – after all, his target market can be obscenely reputation-sensitive at times. (And aggressively indifferent at others.)

    When I search Google from two relatively neutral US-based locations ( in Tor Browser with a US Exit, and ), I see similar results to you:
    1. tonyj net
    3. Tony Jones’ Patheos
    6/7. Tony Jones’ Twitter
    7/8. Another Tony Jones’ Twitter
    8/9. theoblogy

    I’m guessing the (the first set of numbers) is the one the most people would see. (X means “not in the first page”.)

    Oh, and David, apologies if this post gets picked up as link spam.

  6. cy says:

    Yes, that is pretty much the list that some up on my computer.(U.S. location, non google account user). There are many inputs that google uses to determine the listing priority, (an example would be having “Tony Jones” in the title.)

    My point is, that anybody who uses google right now will get those 3 articles as their first 10 choices. And the more that people click on them the higher priority they have on the list. And if someone, say Tony Jones, doesn’t like that they will try to fight back, using the legal system, if they can, or sending threatening letters.

    But, and this is the important thing for me, whereas before this kind of information could be buried or it was hard work to research, now it is easy for anyone with access to a computer to find out the information.

    And this tips the balance of power away from those who have money and influence and toward “the rest of us”.

    So that Tony Jones, and The Village Church and Jason Root and Doug Phillips and Vision Forum and Bishop Robert Finn or Monsignor William Lynn or Mark Driscoll and Sovereign Grace Ministries and CJ Mahaney etc. etc. etc. no longer have all the power and connections.

    I don’t know if internet connections will be enough to counter money/social connections, but here’s hoping it will. I’m very impressed and encouraged with the impact that blogs such as “The Naked Pastor”, “The Wartburg Watch” and “Stuff Christian Culture Likes” have had on changing the situation for the better.

  7. MarMac says:

    You left out one of the biggest excuses; “she/he actually seduced me! I was innocent and she/he came across to me. I know I was the adult, but, after all, a 16 year old boy/girl are much more sophisticated today than in ‘my day’.”

  8. Helen says:

    Oh yes!

    I wonder if the vertical axis needs ‘good intentions’ on it too; in my experience abusive behaviour is often excused, with no thought for the suffering of the victim, because the perpetrator ‘means well!’

  9. Pat Pope says:

    As far as church bullies go, that’s how their churches can continue to thrive. They drive away the people they don’t like, the ones that remain enable them and keep them in power, and when a new group of rubes come in, they’re none the wiser.

  10. Tim WB says:

    I agree, cy, but the thing about people with power is that they spend a lot of time working out how to hold onto it.

    Lawfare (frivolous lawsuits just to silence people) is one mechanism they use, Anti-SLAPP suits are the response.

    If you’re in the US, and you care about those who exercise free speech not being sued just because they spoke up, please consider telling your Federal representatives that you
    support the proposed Federal Anti-SLAPP legislation.

  11. Anna says:

    You forgot to add *being male* to the list.

  12. The more people who link to articles like this and use the key words “Tony Jones” Mark Driscoll” “Abuse” etc the more they will float to tho top of Google’s search engines. Also, when these words appear in posts and notes on public FB pages. People like this can’t possibly scrub the internet enough to cover their behavior.

    I think it’s fair game really… people can spout all kinds of things about celebrities and not get a gag order… these Christian celebrities are no different. They shouldn’t be protected from public scrutiny when they put their work out there to be public. Book authors, youtube speakers, bloggers, etc.

    James 3:1 comes to mind “Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly.” NLT


    Matthew 23:27 “”What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs–beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.” NLT

    If they don’t want people having public comments about their beliefs and practices then they shouldn’t be “teachers”. And if they don’t want people talking about their misbehavior, then behave better.

  13. Yasmin says:

    (For those who, like me, have to google “SLAPP” to find out what it is:)
    SLAPP – Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation

    This is clearly what Tony Jones (among others) is doing. The trick, of course, is to prove it. It’s crystal clear to those of us who have been following the story, who have read Julie’s story, and know of other stunts that Tony has pulled and is pulling, but you can’t expect the court to be as informed. Ah, well, document it all, and perhaps they’ll see it too.

  14. Yasmin says:

    Lisa Bertolini posted: “And if they don’t want people talking about their misbehavior, then behave better.” This is self-evident, of course, but I’ll repeat it again in the words of Anne Lamott: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

    What Julie has been posting is her story, it is the history of that part of her life. It is what happened. The very idea that Tony would try to deny her the right to tell what happened to her is so outrageous, it should make all those enablers, er, that is, friends of his flee. I’ll never understand why they think he certainly won’t turn on them some day.

  15. And I would add using “care” language to control the victims. Have one’s cronies say you are providing “care” even against the victims’ protests because you need to control them (and the narrative).