Relationships in general and marriages in particular struggle to survive deconstruction.
In a marriage, when one or both partners change their beliefs, it puts incredible strain on the relationship.
I hate to say it, but my observation is most marriages don’t survive it.
Marriage is about change. If you don’t change as an individual, you aren’t growing. If you don’t change as a marriage, it’s not growing either. We must learn how to constantly adapt to one another as we personally and relationally change and grow. (In my opinion, THIS the BEST book on marriage that argues this same point!)
When Lisa and I went through a very intense period of deconstruction and left the ministry and the church, our marriage almost didn’t survive.
It took determination to stay together until it started to make sense.
It took patience waiting for clarity.
It took figuring out why we fell in love in the first place.
It took learning how to respect and appreciate the new her, me, and “us”.
It took daring to communicate about our changes.
Some people realize they got married for the wrong reasons.
They realize that their marriage wasn’t good anyway.
They realize they aren’t in love and never will be.
They split up and move on.
But if you want to stay together and work it out, communication is key. You have to dare to rouse your courage and open your mouth and speak your mind, even if you don’t know what to say.
Even if it’s as simple as starting with:
“I’m questioning my beliefs” or
“I’m having doubts about my faith” or
“I feel like I don’t want to go to church anymore” or
“I’m really confused about how to go forward in our relationship” or
“… fill in the blank… “
Yes, it’s going to be difficult and scary.
But if you care about one another and talk, you will figure it out.
We did. You can.
And see what happens.