From the beginning, when I talk about sex, I’m talking about consensual sex.
For some of us, it’s just not simple to say, “Oh I don’t believe that anymore!” and move on, because many ideas get hammered into our minds so deeply that we form a committed and enmeshed relationship with them. It’s almost like we’ve been brainwashed and we need to decode our brains and start from scratch. That means educating ourselves. There are lots of good books out there on sex. Read them. There are therapists. There are videos. Lots of resources to help us change our minds about sex.
Purity culture, I believe, conditions us to feel shame around our bodies and our desires, feel nervous about sex, and, especially for women, to diminish ourselves, our agency, our power, our passions. It takes some time to acclimatize to a new way of being human and being sexual. Yes, being sexual. You can be intellectual. You can be spiritual. But you can also be sensual. You can be sexual. We’ve shut that part of our being down for far too long.
At first, you may feel like you are transgressing. You may feel guilt and shame, but now you already know that these feelings are not based in reality but in a self-destructive ideology that you no longer subscribe to. It’s going to feel new and weird, but transgressively fun. You don’t need to repent. You had fun doing something completely natural and healthy and consensual. For example, you may bring a toy to bed. You both may feel weird and guilty. Deep down you know it’s fine. You enjoy yourselves. It was fun and pleasurable. After doing this a few times it no longer phases you. At first it felt transgressive. Now it no longer does.
I believe sex is supposed to be fun. The more free we are (from shame, guilt, fear, restraint, etc.), the more fun we can have with each other.
That’s how you break the curse.
In summary:
You realize the curse is just words.
You realize the words are wrong. You do what the curse forbids. The curse loses its power.
You are free.
Enjoy!
They were young believers.
They fell in love.
They got married.
Then they started… oh no… deconstructing!
That is… their beliefs started changing.
Sometimes they wondered if they were going to make it.
They realize they were in a kind of mixed marriage because they didn’t believe the same.
They had to renegotiate their relationship.
They had to reassess what their love for each other meant.
They came to realize a few things:
They are not their beliefs. Beliefs are simply thoughts we especially cling to and adore. They are like ripples on the surface of the water. They’re not the body of water itself. The surface always changes. Thoughts always change. They fell in love with the person… not just their thoughts and beliefs. They remembered when they first met and how love happened, even before they really knew each other’s minds.
They committed to change. Remember the marriage vows? For better or for worse, richer or poorer, In sickness and in health, etc? That means they committed to each other as they and things change. Which they will! Including how we look, feel, and think.
They discovered love embraces the other in all their authentic uniqueness. In fact, love encourages the other to find and discover and manifest their authentic uniqueness in a safe and secure environment.
Here’s one secret ingredient to a passionate marriage: polarity. Like a battery with a positive and negative pole that creates the energy, so does difference and diversity in a relationship.
When Lisa and I first met, I was a naïve Canadian boy and she was a fiesty Alabama girl. We were so different from one another in so many ways. But the passion in our relationship was on fire and still is.
Yes, in many ways we merged, integrated, became entangled and enmeshed, but over time we had to learn how to individuate. This happened later in our marriage. But oh my the sparks flew and reignited our romance.
Always remember… you fell in love with them, not their beliefs.
]]>Short answer? Yes.
I think a lot of people from my old church could use this reminder. Lisa and I lost everything when we left the church. We lost our friends. They couldn't see that, even though our beliefs were different from theirs, we could still be friends.
I have loved and been loved by people who believe very differently than I do.
It's because we put our humanity before our beliefs. We prioritize love over ideas.
In fact, if we were identical, where's the fun in that? Difference creates diversity, and this creates polarity, which in turn creates energy, which can create a dynamic relationship.
Lisa and I don't even believe the same things in the same way. Yet our relationship has lasted years and continues to deepen. That's because we respect one another, trust one another with our own spiritual journeys, give space for each other to be our most authentic selves, and honor one another's paths.
(This is my charcoal drawing titled We Can Still Be Friends. It's available as a print on my website HERE.)
There's this idea that is growing out there that unless we are all identical in every way, we cannot get along and cannot live together. It's turning the world into a divisive and unhappy place.
Homogeneity is boring. But diversity is a more accurate expression of the complexity and mystery of life.
Rather than trying to force everything into one tiny little idealogical box, we want to celebrate life in all its wondrous diversity.
It's not only possible to love someone different than you.
It's also necessary.
And also more joyful!
Here are some of my most popular light-hearted Easter cartoons.
I call this one "What a Weekend!", an exclamation partiers usually use to describe a fun weekend with their friends. But in this case, it's about something a little more serious and consequential.
I like this one especially because I like coffee. I call this one "Double Espresso". I find a single shot just doesn't cut it for me. I need a double. Sometimes a triple. I imagined Jesus waking up from a recent crucifixion and three says dead in a tomb and needing something stronger than decaf or one shot.
Do you ever imagine Jesus as a boy, learning how to be the Saviour of the world? Like this cartoon where he's practicing his resurrection skills on a family dinner.
Thanks for enjoying my work.
Stay tuned for more.
Happy Easter!
]]>This is from Dr. Kelly Starrett's Becoming a Supple Leopard: The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance. The above quote about physical health also applies to all other areas where health is important, including spirituality.
If we are honest with ourselves, most of religion is about tweaking this or that thought or behaviour. Usually to conform to what is expected or required by the group.
It’s like rearranging the furniture on a sinking ship.
Another analogy used in social activism is that it’s important to pull drowning people out of the river. But at some point, someone needs to go upstream and stop whoever’s throwing them in.
Or, like the philosopher Judith Butler suggests… how ultimately helpful is it to help the vulnerable? Shouldn’t we be asking what people, systems, and conditions made these people vulnerable in the first place?
The same goes for spirituality.
When we lack peace of mind. When we have no joy. When we have no patience. When we hate everybody. When we are not kind or generous or compassionate.
Is it ultimately helpful, say, to just work on our peace of mind by listening to this or that guru? Reading this or that book? Doing these or those exercises?
(This watercolor print is called "The Need to Leave". Sometimes it's just time to leave and find our own path. You can click on the image or HERE to take you to where I'm selling prints of this piece.)
Shouldn’t we, at some point, ask ourselves, “Wait a minute! The religion I’m practising promises all these things and I have none of them even though I’ve been following it for years!”
It’s time to go deeper. All the way to the root.
Here’s the thing: I can’t tell you what the root is for you. But I can say that just admitting to yourself, “This isn’t working!” is enough to get the ball rolling.
Just start with that, and see what happens.
You Can Never Say No
I hope this isn’t too triggering for some of you. But I bet it might be because this theology is so prevalent in the church. It is in society too where men just think it is their right to take a woman’s body. Religion and purity culture takes this patriarchal, male-dominant idea to a whole new level by weaponizing scripture, theology, and spiritual authority to govern and afflict women.
(Download a digital copy of this cartoon by clicking on the image or HERE.)
This man is in for an important lesson.
And it is this:
This woman has autonomy over her body, she knows it, and she won’t surrender it.
I’ll be honest with you guys. I grew up with this theology that our bodies are not our own. But the thing is, I never saw this… ever… in all my decades in the church and in the ministry… I never saw this used against men. It was always used against women.
Basically, it is used to pressure and even force wives to have sex when they didn’t want to.
And we all know what sex without consent is. I learned this lesson very early in our marriage. But the lesson wasn’t I had to resentfully wait until Lisa wanted it. It’s deeper and more important than that.
What I learned was there is context that we both need to work on. Context like trust, vulnerability, health, mood, communication, connection, intimacy, flirting and wooing, knowledge, practice, experimenting, learning, discovering. All that and more!
Sure, there were plenty of what we called quickies. But they too happened against the backdrop of love and all the context I mentioned above.
Never a demand.
Never a requirement.
Never nonconsensual.
Drawn together by love and desire is where it’s at. This takes work.
My observation:
But like most good work, it bears good fruit, and fruit that will last.
I know!
]]>It can start subtly or even happen in a sweetened, gentle way that makes you feel guilty for saying no. Little nudges here and there that you feel too polite or awkward to mention, where someone crosses your boundaries. When it doesn’t look like the classic authoritarian boundary stomping it’s hard to notice. We tell ourselves not to overreact, or downplay the situation but that creeping sense of discomfort? It’s because your boundaries are being crossed all the same.
Toxic groups or people love to speed through the process of getting close. Perceived intimacy can make it hard to step away or air any criticisms because we feel bad about bringing negativity into an intensely positive environment. But so much of that positivity is manufactured to do just that. They make us feel so entangled so early to keep us close and keep us quiet.
Your time is being dominated by the activities, plans and social calendar of another person or group. You find yourself taken out of your usual context and suddenly your support system IS that group. But leaving the group or person means you'll be alone…
These signs usually are hidden by positivity, socialization and community. You might ignore them out of fear of being alone. They're the kind of things that kept me in the church for 30 years. Do you recognise any of them?
The NakedPastor community has grown over the past few years to be a positive, affirming space. If you're afraid of the loneliness that comes with deconstruction, you might find comfort (and maybe even some new friends) in my comment section
Purity Culture wants you to be afraid to think, feel, or do anything to spoil your virginity for your wedding night. It is claimed, and I believe it, that this is especially targeted to women.
Purity culture is a patriarchal endeavor to produce and provide virgins for its men.
I was told, when I was young, that if you masturbated, hair would grow on the palms of your hands. Stupid. But it made me afraid because I didn't want hair on my palms, but mostly I wouldn't want others to see it and know what was going on.
That is a fear tactic meant to control you.
Plain and simple.
Before you can can start to heal from purity culture is to identify the messages you were told and how they continue to impact you
5 Ways Puriture Culture Can Affect Your Sex Life
How Purity Culture Creates A Fear Of Sex
If you are a part of a church community, and you start to question your beliefs, you will probably start to feel more and more isolated from everyone else.
You used to feel like a part of the group, that you belonged to the community. But now, because your mind is changing, you are starting to feel at odds with the herd mentality.
This is normal!
(Click on the cartoon to get a digital download of it, or click HERE.)
We all know what it's like to feel lonely while in a crowd of people. Sometimes the only healthy action we can take is to separate ourselves from the group, find some solitude, and figure out how we want to move forward...
With the herd or independently.
“The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”
This is because you now realize that up to now you've had a codependent relationship with the group. In order to belong, you sacrificed your personal autonomy and agency.
So you need to separate and maybe even divorce the group. You need to embrace a new kind of loneliness.
This always starts in your head and heart, then eventually leads to you actually doing it in real life.
But I want to promise you that on the other side of this separation and divorce, you will learn how to become a strong and independent person who chooses interdependent relationships and avoids codependent ones.
You will still feel loneliness. But you will see that your solitude has become a necessary ingredient in your ability to find, create, and be in healthy relationships.
Because spiritual independence is a new and dynamic way of being... in solitude and with others.
]]>Deconstruction, like most other experiences of changes, can make people feel lonely because it questions meanings, rejects fixed ideas, and focuses on personal views, creating a sense of isolation as individuals deal with uncertainty and complexity. When I started my deconstruction journey I had no idea how lonely I would feel.
( This image is available for download and licensing)
Although deconstruction can be lonely I claim this is a good thing. Sometimes, the community we leave behind isn't good for us anymore. It might have been fine for a time but it's no longer.
It's time to venture out on our own and find our own way.
Deconstruction Means Spiritual IndependenceIt does mean learning how to claim your own agency and your autonomy to be self-determining. To be the captain of your own ship and the master of your life and the one driving who you are and how you are in the world.
Scary at first but after a while you get used to it.
And... you find others who get you because they too are spiritually independent and respect that in others.
True story! When I left the church in 2010, the loneliness was real. But Lisa and I intentionally tried to start making new friends, restoring older friendships, and taking advantage of meeting new people, including online, who love and appreciate us as our authentic selves.
And you can too.
I appreciate your presence in my life. I don't take it for granted. You allow me to be me. I allow you to be you. And together we learn what and how love is.
I love you all.
]]>Have you experience an increase in loneliness as you move further along your deconstruction journey? Because I have.
I interact with a ton of people, and my observations and experience say that the biggest pain point for people who are deconstructing their beliefs and changing their relationship to the church is... loneliness.
(This cartoon is available as a digital download)
I don't know why I expected any different. Because this is what all people experience who question the status quo and no longer follow the herd.
Deconstruction is spiritual independence. And independence can look and feel lonely.
There are a lot of reasons why I think this loneliness is actually healthy, and I talk about this a lot.
One of the big reasons it's healthy is because often the community you miss may not have been good for you. It might have had qualities that prevented you from being your authentic self, that warned you against expressing your authentic self, and required you to conceal your authentic self in order to belong.
My number one advice for people starting to experience this loneliness is simple, but perhaps difficult to do, and that is... make new friendships or restore old ones.
Lisa and I did this and it worked. It takes time and effort, but it's worth it.
]]>Lisa and I met at a Pentecostal Bible College. We fell madly in love. I was 20 and she was 18. Within a couple of weeks we knew we’d get married.
(Click on image or HERE for a digital download!)
We found our soul mate. I don’t know if there is such a thing or if it’s necessary. My ideas of romantic relationships and marriage has opened up a lot. So I want to tell you this is my story. Our story.
We fell hard for each other. It was magical. Is magical. And the love is very deep and very strong.
I believe romantic love is a part of the big “true love”. Not something separate. But I also believe romantic love is a fascinating and complex mix of this true love, but also psychology, projection, fantasy, desire, lust, eroticism, sexuality, intimacy, passion, friendship and polarity, and so much more.
I believe that when I found Lisa, I had found the perfect embodiment of my deepest desire, my anima… my female aspect… in real life. And the opposite is true for Lisa with me.
How often does this happen? Not very, I don’t think.
But how did the Purity Culture we found ourselves in react to it?
Yes, I received warnings that I shouldn’t love her more than I loved God. That God is a jealous God and will not be displaced by anyone! I needed to be careful not to allow my love for Lisa dissuade or distract me from my love for Jesus. I needed to make sure I spent at least as much time with the Lord as I did with Lisa. I need to beg God to help me tame my passion and carnality around Lisa. We needed to repent because we love each other too hard.
And so on.
I didn’t obey.
Because, somehow, our passionate love for each other felt a part of the whole of love. It didn’t feel separate or wrong, but part and parcel of the union of all things.
We felt that we were, and still are, participating in the bigger picture of universal love, or, as some call it, divine love.
Because with love there is no competition or domination.
All belongs.
]]>
(Click on image or here for a digital download.)
Let me try to explain these cartoons because I think it’s important.
Victor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
I’ve also been reading Mattieu Ricard, considered the happiest man on earth. Through reading about him I discovered that he, through meditation, etc., trained himself to collapse this space between stimulus and response so that even auto-responses, like squinting the eyes at a loud noise, are controlled. It’s not that there isn’t a response, it’s that the space between stimulus and response collapses to almost imperceptibility.
I’m reminded of an ancient Tibetan monk who had many disciples. His son died, and he went into a cave to mourn. He didn’t come out for many weeks. His disciples were perplexed and challenged their master: “You taught us that all suffering is an illusion, yet you mourned for so long! Why?” He responded, “Because this illusion was very convincing.”
Sometimes collapsing that space, as well as integrating what we think or feel happened, takes what we perceive as time.
(Click on image or here for a digital download.)
This also relates to theories about time… that it is not real, but a human construct to help us cope with our experience of reality. One idea is that time is simply a series of nows. A series of nows, linked, we perceive as linear time. But the fullness of time is now. Now. Now. Forever, the space between nows, perceptibly collapsed, is all now. There is no past because it doesn’t exist now. There is no future because it doesn’t exist now either. Infinity is fully present now.
So, the narrative may go like this: we feel we are not broken. But then we experience trauma. Then we heal. Then we are back to the feeling of not broken. Our ability to collapse this space between feeling not broken to feeling not broken is an important process to learn, otherwise we get stuck in this in-betweenness of not feeling whole. I use the word “feeling” on purpose because I truly believe we are not broken, but we can certainly feel it when we are traumatized. I think this traumatization is a fluctuation in our mental state that can be temporary.
Like Sinéad O’Connor’s therapist told her; the reason you go to therapy is to find out there’s nothing wrong with you. Sure, there's a ton of work that occurs in this space. Research. Writing. Theorizing. Therapy. Self-awareness. And so on. All to build or believe a narrative that makes sense to us of how we got from point A… not broken, to point B… not broken… but with an impressive in-between experience that seems to challenge this not-brokenness. What about all those feelings of loss, suffering, pain, struggle, alienation, grief, all of that, and feeling broken? So we build or believe a narrative that helps us make sense of it all. We choose a narrative that works.
This is why I think collapsing that space is crucial to a speedy feeling of recovery, of not-brokenness.
(Click on image or here for a digital download.)
This reminds me of another story. In the film The Last Samurai, there is a Samurai lord who has spent his whole life searching for the perfect cherry blossom. Without success. (Spoiler alert!) On his last day, dying on the battlefield, a wind picks up and blows thousands of cherry blossoms across the field. Some land in his hand, and he says, “Perfect! They are all perfect!” I knew this to be true. But how did he get from point A… a beautiful cherry blossom is just a beautiful cherry blossom, to searching for the perfect one… to point B… all cherry blossoms are beautiful cherry blossoms? Because he finally knew that they are all perfect.
Stay with me. I’m going somewhere with this that relates to the cartoon communicating that you’re not broken.
This is how I view all salvation narratives. Yes, all of them! They are all attempts to explain what we think happens in the in-between of perfection and perfection that we call our life experience and all of history.
Let’s take the Christian one, which is the one I grew up with. The narrative goes something like this: We start in the Garden whole. Then we fall. Then we are rescued, repaired, and reconciled. Then we are whole again! From not broken to not broken.
This is the Christian salvation narrative. The collapsed version.
What about all that happened and happens in between… all those feelings of temptations, sin, rejected by God, alienated from God, fear of punishment, enmity between people? All the Christian narratives attempt to do just this, all in their own unique ways.
But the collapsed version of this is very simple… not broken to not broken. The space in between these two realties that are really one reality, is where the narrative tries to make sense of it.
The seemingly long salvation narrative, collapsed into imperceptibly, collapsed into one now, is that we are not broken.
I listened to Gabor Maté on a video where he says,
“So healing is actually recognizing our wholeness… and when we do, and realize that nothing was ever broken, and that if nothing was ever broken, therefore there was nothing ever bad that ever happened to us… If our wholeness was never destroyed then there was no damage. And if there was no damage, then there’s no sinners, there’s no perpetrators.” (@raisethevibration on Tiktok).
So my claim is that our salvation narratives as well as our therapy narratives are our ways of coming to this understanding of our wholeness, our unbrokenness.
You are not broken.
Two disclaimers:
(Click on the image for a digital download!)
1. The first story in the Bible teaches us that being naked is shameful. When Adam and Eve sinned, they became aware of their nakedness and were ashamed. I was always taught that being naked was a source of embarrassment. How many of us have had dreams where we are naked in a room of people? It’s humiliating. At this point, it isn’t even necessarily about our bodies, but just that we are naked, because just being naked is bad.
2. This is further complicated by our culture’s obsession with the shape of our bodies. We are blasted with images of our culture’s idea of a perfect body. If my body doesn’t conform to my culture’s ideal of what a perfect body is, then I’m going to feel embarrassed by it. This dynamic has an enormous impact on our confidence when it comes to getting naked with the one we love and are having sex with. Even in the presence of someone who loves us and who wants to be sexually intimate with us, we are embarrassed that our bodies don’t fit with what we think they desire. We hide ourselves and our bodies from the gaze of our lovers so as not to disappoint them and embarrass ourselves even further.
3. Purity Culture has also taught us that sex is dirty, that it is a sinful manifestation of our carnal nature. I was taught that sex didn’t begin until after the Fall, meaning that it was inevitably an expression of our fallenness. We learn that to lose ourselves in sexual passion is an unholy fleshly act. It is a demonstration of our body’s sinful urges, an indication of lust, and a lesser aspect of being human. Holiness and sex can’t be imagined together. Sex is an aberration. It’s something that we do to procreate, not something we do for pleasure, intimacy, and connection alone.
Doing it from under the covers and in the light would be a brazen flaunting of lasciviousness and a brazen rejection of our spiritual nature.
When in fact it is an embracing of our humanness and our healthy desire to connect with another in a most intimate and vulnerable way.
You might already know this but there’s only one verse in the whole bible explicitly prohibiting tattoos (the verse is Leviticus 19:29 if you want to look it up). This verse is used to arm religious leaders and people to limit our independence, self-determination, and bodily autonomy.
Here are my thoughts on tattoos, particularly the kind I design, and purity culture.
As I’ve claimed before, I think the core of Purity Culture is the patriarchal ambition to control every aspect of our lives.
Near the core of it is the religious desire to control people’s bodies. Especially women’s bodies. I’ve known men to get tattoos and cause a bit of a stir.
But when a woman gets a tattoo, the stir elevates to a whole different level. I think tattoos are an expression of independence. Even defiance sometimes. Again, it’s one thing for a man to be independent and defy authority, the herd, and the norms. It’s a whole other level of concern when a woman does.
Personally, I have never felt the need or desire to get a tattoo. In fact, I have a curious story to share with you.
Years ago I was at a conference. The kind of conference where they prayed for miracles, laid hands on people, and even prophesied. One person said that God wanted me to know that I didn’t need to get a tattoo because I was the tattoo. I didn’t need a symbol expressing my independence or radicalness, because my independence and radicalness would be evidence enough.
Fine. I didn’t want a tattoo anyway.
But underneath a lot of religious concern about tattoos is its need to control our bodies and every aspect of our lives.
Now you know what I think of tattoos and purity culture. Let me tell you about the tattoos I design.
I’ve created custom tattoo drawings for so many people who want their stories told in ink. I love hearing their stories and the life events that each tattoo represents.
If you like an existing NakedPastor artwork, you can simply buy a license to use that artwork. Just go to this page and select ‘Existing’.
If you want a tattoo as one-of-a-kind as you are, here’s how to do it:
With an original design, I provide the basic sketch and you are at liberty with your skilled tattoo artist to refine it to your liking.
Here are a few NakedPastor tattoos I love:
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If someone doesn’t pursue you like you are pursuing them, we found out that most often they are too busy, too afraid, or too shy to initiate. If they refuse three times in a row without a good reason, let them go. It’s supposed to be fun, not laborious. “We’re trying hard to see you guys. Can we make it happen this week?”
If you don’t schedule time to get together with others, your schedule won’t allow it. Life is crazy busy for everyone, I know. Live life! Don’t let it live you! Make it happen. “What are you guys doing Saturday morning? Want to meet us for brunch?”
Are there people you used to be friends with that you’ve lost touch with? We restored a couple of older friendships and it was worth it. “Hey, for some reason we’ve been thinking about you guys and were wondering if you’d like to get together.”
If someone you work with or run into often or whatever hints about getting together, take it seriously. Take them up on it! Book it or it won’t happen. “You mentioned us getting together last week. Shall we? We’re pretty free this weekend!”
Lisa and I often prefer to go out than have people in. With us both working hard, it’s just easier because we don’t have to clean the house immaculately, prepare food, or take the risk of people staying far later than our bedtime. Plus, it’s just nice eating out. It’s something we enjoy. “Hey! We’re going out to Italian-by-Night and want to know if you’d like to meet us there. Say, 7 pm?”
One night at a pub with friends, we met friends of theirs. They seemed cool. They’d heard about NakedPastor. We talked. Next time we meet them we just might say something like, “We enjoyed meeting you guys that night. We should meet there again sometime. Ya?”
Don’t relax your efforts. Making friends, we found out, is hard work. And, just like any relationship (including marriage) it takes hard work to maintain. Contact friends every week. “Hi, guys! We haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up? Can we get together this week? What time’s good for you?”
If you have friends you discover are toxic, as in they don’t accept you as you are and are a drain on your well-being… like they are trying to get you saved, trying to get you to go to their church, trying to burden you with their problems, trying to make your life miserable and negative. Just let them go. Feel no guilt over ending a relationship. Do not carry over from your church days the idea that we must always forgive and reconcile with every single person who’s ever been in our life no matter how bad they are for us. End toxic relationships! For this one, there is no text. Just stop cold turkey.
Art gallery hops, wine tastings, Toast Masters, join a choir, go to staff parties, a local band playing in a local pub… anything! Get out where people are. If you used to go to church you know these events were provided for you. Now you have to seek them out yourself. Meet new people. Follow up on any leads. Lisa and I went to an event once and we were hanging out with people there. As the evening progressed a few said, “We’re gong to such-and-such a bar after. Wanna come?” We said, “YES!” Take those opportunities.
I’ve known a lot of people over the years. Most people just have a few good friends, then maybe a wider group of just friends or acquaintances. This is normal, folks! When a friendship feels really good, develop it. Work on it. You could become very good friends. Also, enjoy the just friends friends too. “Hi! We really enjoyed the other night with you guys. We should get together more often.” Chances are they are wishing for good friends too.
I hope this helps. Remember, friends hardly ever just happen. They take work. They take noticing clues. They take follow-up. They take development. They take intentionality. They take commitment.
You don’t have to go through the rest of your life lonely. You don’t have to long for the good old days when you had a whole raft of friends handed to you on a platter because of high school or church. You can enjoy friendships now.
Happy friending!
I was a pastor for about thirty years. And I’ve been a member of some churches and ministries too. During this time, I discovered something very eye-opening and shocking…
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The term "Messiah complex," also known as the "Savior complex," refers to a psychological phenomenon where an individual believes they have a special mission or calling to save, rescue, or help others. This belief can manifest in a variety of ways and can affect different aspects of a person's life. People with a Messiah complex may feel an intense need to fix the problems of others, take on the role of a savior, or believe that they are the only ones who can solve certain issues.
In the realm of psychology, individuals with a Messiah complex might be considered to have narcissistic or codependent tendencies. It's important for individuals who recognize these traits in themselves or others to seek support or therapy to better understand and address the underlying issues that drive this behavior.
Seeing art and images that validate and inspire you daily can make a huge difference in your spiritual journey. I’m an artist, so you can imagine that my home is full of art – maybe even too much art!
If you want to create a space in your own home that celebrates your authenticity and reminds you of how far you’ve come, I’ve got a few ideas for you.
Adding original artwork to your wall can make the space feel extra special. These artworks are the originals that my prints come from – they are extremely rare and come with a certificate of authenticity signed by me. Here are some available originals that you might like.
Or view all available original artworks here.
You don’t have to stick to one artwork per wall, you can create a gallery wall by combining artworks that look good together. You can even include art you already own while mixing cartoons and paintings and even drawings from your kids if you’ve got any.
The best way to make this look neat is to choose frames that work well together. They can be the same color or just have a similar style. Don’t get caught up on this though. If you like how it looks, then that’s all that matters.
Those are my home decorating art suggestions but I have hundreds of prints available for you to choose from. Don’t feel limited by my list, rather use it as a starting point. Now, get the drill and start making your home, office, or community space look more welcoming and joyful.
If you’ve already got a NakedPastor print or original on your wall, or if you end up hanging some art because of this blog, send me a photo! I would love to see which art you pair and how the finished art wall looks.
]]>I’ve spoken about this before, but deconstruction often means inconsistency and constant change. My tastes are always changing too. Some days I like a particular painting, others I gravitate towards a cartoon.
That’s why I decided to create a gallery wall that mixes art styles. Here’s how.
A gallery wall is a wall where you hang lots of artwork together. It adds a coziness to an otherwise empty space while bringing in your personality. The more minimalist gallery walls contain neat lines of matching artworks – often in the same frame.
However, the more exciting gallery walls feature a mixture of paintings, cartoons, doodles from children, and the odd photograph all in different frames, sizes, and heights. This is the type of gallery wall I like to look at and the type of gallery wall that shows the most personality.
Adding new art shouldn’t mean taking away old art. Hanging a painting you bought 20 years ago alongside your favorite NakedPastor cartoon can (and does!) look great. But if you’re nervous about mixing and matching, here are a few tips:
I recently got a video from a fan hanging my Overturning cartoon alongside a painting she got at a market. The mixing of styles makes her gallery wall look fresh and fun. See how that turned out.
When it comes to creating a gallery wall that mixes art styles, the trick is to choose art that you like and that makes you feel seen, loved, and accepted. It’s your home so if you like how it looks, it's perfect.
Need help deciding which art to hang? Read my list of the 5 Best NakedPastor Artworks for Decorating Your Home.
]]>I never did this literally but I did figuratively. I prioritized spiritual concerns over bodily ones.Now, I’ve come to realize that I am not a body with a spirit or a spirit with a body, but that the two are one and inseparable. Like consciousness… that mysterious thing that is both cellular and transcends the cellular. You can’t be conscious without brain cells!
I believe we can’t be body without spirit, nor spirit without body but religion pounded into me that I was either one or the other, or that I should put one above the other.
We were encouraged to deny the flesh.
To punish the body.
To quench passion.
To question pleasure.
To resist desire.
To reject the flesh.
To crucify myself.
In this cartoon, this man is being offered a good time but he can’t even see it, never mind enjoy it, because he is stuck in his head. He is absorbed in the bible and theology and spiritual matters. He thinks he is living above the flesh and its carnal inclinations and on a higher plane of spiritual priorities and sacred concerns.
When in fact he is dis-integrating himself, causing a neurosis… a loss of vital contact with reality.
I’ve learned that getting out of my head and into my body, being present in the moment, here now, with the woman I love, being into our bodies and senses and passions and all of it, is a spiritual and sacred as worship.
Because that union of body and spirit is the highest integration there is.
The thing is, this integration doesn’t need to be created.
It just needs to be recognized.
And enjoyed!
5 Ways Puriture Culture Can Affect Your Sex Life
What Is Purity Culture and Why Is It Harmful?
I grew up ignorant about sex. I was taught basic sex education in elementary school, but that was it. The rest I had to try to learn on my own. But I wasn’t allowed access to materials that would educate me about my own body and the bodies of women. I had to secretly explore this alone because it was such a taboo subject. The result was that by the time Lisa and I were married and began our sexual journey together, we were ill-prepared. Yes, exploring this domain together had its pleasures, but we were basically starting from scratch when we could have had a bit of a head start in sexual knowledge. Now, decades into our marriage and our sexual life together, we are learning more about how to pleasure one another. Don’t get me wrong: it’s been fun. But if the taboo of sex wasn’t instilled in us, we could have been enjoying sex a lot more a lot sooner.
When the topic of sex is taboo, the fear associated with exploring it is profound. Even though once we were married sex was now legal, so to speak, the residue of fear remained. What if we’re doing it wrong? What if we’re crossing a line? What if God is not pleased? How can we lose ourselves in the throes of pleasure while remaining a holy person? If our flesh, and therefore our bodies are carnal and sinful, how can we sink into our bodies and the sexual act innocently and freely? I was taught that sex wasn’t introduced until after the Fall, therefore sex is a product of sin. With this scary thought planted in your mind, it’s difficult to live joyfully in the moment without fear of eternal repercussions.
Because of the way I was taught about sexuality, every form of physical pleasure was theologically frowned upon. I remember in Bible College, one of our teachers insisted that we needed so speak in tongues while having sex. In other words, physical pleasure wasn’t good enough. It had to be elevated to the spiritual plane with constant prayer. The pleasure of physical touch, connecting with another so intimately, and losing oneself in orgasm with another, was held suspect. The idea of Adam and Eve being ashamed of their nakedness was passed on to us as a given. When we are naked with our lover and we are involved in a fallen act, shame ensues. The legacy of shame around sex is so great that many feel dirty before sex, during sex, and after sex. Some even feel the urgent need of cleansing themselves, physically and spiritually, in order to overcome the sense that they’ve done something wrong. There is no division between physical and spiritual, and good, loving, consensual sex unites these two.
I remember Lisa and I reading a Christian book on sex in marriage, and it was pretty clear how narrow a scope it allowed around sex. This is how you do it. This is how it’s done. This is how you do it right. The result is a boring sex life. Like religion can do to us, it makes us conform to its rules rather than live freely in the moment. Instead of, “What feels good to us?” It’s, “Are we doing this correctly?” Always in our religious heads, we never sink into our own body and the body of our lover where there are miles of unexplored vistas of pleasure. You see, even me talking about pleasure may be seen by some as fleshly, worldly, and carnal. Sex, for the religious mind, should be about pleasing God, procreation, and fulfilling some divine decree. The best sex is when you are completely one with yourself and your body and feel the oneness with the person and body of your lover. When we overcome our ignorance, fear, and shame, and are present in the sexual moment, the ecstasy is actually very physical and spiritual, since I don’t believe there is a division between the two unless we make it.
I see so many couples wrestle with Purity Culture negatively affecting their marriage to the point where they eventually split up. I think what happens is that they begin to realize that their religious ideas of what should happen doesn’t align with what they desire. I’ve known couples who’ve agreed to not even kiss before their wedding, only to discover very early in their marriage that what’s expected can’t match what they want. The divide built between their faith and their sexuality is so great that they can’t experience the ecstatic reconciliation of the two in their sexual lives. The utter disappointment of not being able to enjoy one another drives them apart. If one partner is bound in a Purity Culture mentality and the other wants to break free from it, this often leads to a divorce in so many things, including their marriage. The religious mentality is sticky, and it takes work to liberate oneself from it in order to live freely, especially in our sexual lives.
Purity Culture is toxic, not only to entire groups, but right down to our marriages. I hope this short list of the negative affects Purity Culture can have on your marriage helps you to see how it has affected yours.
There are steps that we can take to overcome these, and I plan on writing a post about that soon.
So I want to write a short post on what I think is wrong with Purity Culture.
Right away I want to make a couple of disclaimers.
Purity culture, found mainly in evangelical Christianity, stresses the importance of young unmarried women's purity. It encourages waiting until marriage for sex, discourages any sexual exploration, and reinforces traditional gender roles. The central message is that a girl's or woman's worth is tied to her purity, particularly her virginity.
Fear serves as a powerful mechanism within purity culture to maintain adherence to its ideals of chastity and sexual restraint, often at the expense of individuals' mental and emotional well-being.
Even though Purity Culture seems obsessed about the body, especially the female body, it is negatively obsessed with it. It condemns or at least is suspicious of the body… the flesh. It uses a lot of scriptures, such as Paul’s dichotomy of the flesh versus the spirit, to justify its negative view of the body. It believes it cannot be trusted, and that its propensity is towards sexual misbehaviour. Its primary belief is that it must be tamed rather than enjoyed.
Because of purity culture's negative view of the body and it’s attempt to master it, it uses shame as an effective way to control people and their attitudes and actions around sex. Shame, one of the most powerful motivators on earth, is often a toxic emotion instilled by a Puritanical hyper-moralism around the body. Shame around such things as the body, physical touch, sexual intimacy, and masturbation, is so deeply instilled in people that they find it extremely difficult if not impossible to overcome it and just enjoy their bodies and the bodies of the one(s) they love.
Wikipedia says that “Purity Culture is a subculture within Christianity which emphasizes subjective individual ‘purity’, generally associated with female chastity.” Yes, men and boys are also included in Purity Culture. But the emphasis is on girls and women to remain chaste, virgins, until they marry a man. I believe Purity Culture is rooted in patriarchal ideology. It is sexist and even misogynistic, since it elevates women to an unrealistic fantasy men imagine about women. For example, it is far more devastating to a woman’s reputation and future to have sex before marriage than it is for a man.
For the past several months I’ve been posting what I call my Sexy Sunday cartoons that challenge Purity Culture. Here is one of them titled, Future Husband.
I think it’s harmful to have such a negative and suspicious view of the body. It robs us of our agency and makes us victims of our own bodies and ultimately our own selves. When we have to constantly rely on an external authority— legislation or person— it makes us lose our independence and stifles our growth to maturity.
Shame, although it may prevent someone from administering immediate harm to someone, is a toxic emotion in the long term. It is an unreliable control of behaviour and robs us of our autonomy and independent decision-making abilities. Healthy adults can decide how to behave in consensual sexual relationships.
The patriarchy runs deep, and its roots sink way down into Christian culture. Christianity is and always has been a patriarchal religion where sexism and misogyny abound and where women and girls are second-class citizens and suffer as a result.
It’s anti-body, uses shame, and is misogynistic.
That’s enough to make it a serious problem.
Religious Trauma is often wound up with Purity Culture, which can have a disastrous affect on our attitudes about sex. People who are survivors of Religious Trauma and Purity Culture often struggle to acquire healthy attitudes about sex and feel comfortable with their sex lives. Add to that... if a person suffers these things plus spiritual abuse, there's a lot of healing that needs to happen because these all affect their lives at a deep and fundamental level, including sexually.
Here's a couple stuck in a religious mindset caused by Religious Trauma.
(Click on this image for a digital download, or click HERE!)
5 Ways Religious Trauma Can Affect Your Sexuality
Christianity, like many religions, castes our bodies and the flesh in a bad light. I was taught that my body was my enemy and something I always had to deny and beat into submission. I had to crucify it daily. The affect this had on my attitudes about sex was that I felt guilt any time I was enjoying my body or being in my body. For some people it’s even worse: they can never have any pleasure because it’s blatantly sinful, goes against scripture, and displeases God.
For those of us who grew up in intense religious environments, the goal was to always be thinking about God and spiritual matters. Our minds had to be first and foremost stayed upon God, and to allow anything else to creep in was to allow something else to dethrone God from our minds and lives. We could never, to use an analogy, take a vacation and just enjoy ourselves because we were to be “on” 24/7. Even in our sleep, we had to pray for protection so that we wouldn’t stray from this strict path. As a result, when some people are enjoying sex, there can be a deep sense of putting something ahead of God that may anger him, or at least disappoint him.
Religious Trauma teaches us not to trust our bodies. This is deadly for good sex. One of the most important things for a good sexual relationship is confidence. For sex to be fulfilling for each partner, each one must feel confident in their bodies and have some confidence in knowing or discovering what is pleasurable for their partner. Insecurity and a lack of confidence can kill passion and eliminate a feeling of joy and fulfillment.
Religion dichotomizes the world. There’s good and evil, invisible and visible, light and dark, spirit and flesh. And these are always at war with one another. As a result, for many people coming out of a strict religion, when we are making love with someone we love, there is confusion about what’s happening. If their minds are on their body and their loved one’s body and the love and passion taking place, it can feel less than spiritual and therefore, somehow, even sinful, secular, fleshly, or worldly.
We can educate ourselves by giving ourselves therapy and going to get therapy. We can come to a place where we understand that our bodies aren’t evil, aren’t our enemies, aren’t less than spirit, and not unimportant.
When we realize our bodies are good and to be dignified and enjoyed, we are on our way to healing and healthy attitudes about sex and on to enjoying healthy sex lives.
]]>(Click on the image to see the print, or click HERE!)
One stage in the transformation process that we can’t skip is vulnerability. In this Sophia piece, I wanted to show her vulnerability more graphically. As she sits next to a baby seal, one of the most vulnerable animals on the planet, she is naked, exposed and vulnerable. They are both in that space, together. But there is also something very strong and courageous about her. Mysteriously, her vulnerability and her strength aren't mutually exclusive. She's beginning to learn to combine these two and embrace them both. Sophia teaches us that, usually, we have to bare it all in order to repair it all.
Here’s to your vulnerability and strength.
(Click on the image to see the print, or click here!)
I always come back to Sophia Metamorphosis because it speaks to so many truths about our lives. We are vulnerable when we transform. Surrounded by beautiful possibilities but still vulnerable. Some people never step out of their cocoon.(Click on the image to see the print or click HERE!)
Sophia Wild is about being your most authentic self, even when it feels scary. There’s a real risk in exposure. Emotional exposure and physical exposure to new situations, people and feelings.
This is a reminder that you can be rooted in your power, even when you feel like there is nothing between you and the elements.
]]>
Like... Why God doesn't answer prayer.
Why there is the problem of evil in the world.
Why we no longer feel his presence.
Why he doesn't seem to pay attention.
Why he might as well not exist.
Why we get addicted to our cellphones (the trickle-down effect).
Why our cellular bills are so high (cuz he can afford it).
Why????
Well... what else would this explain?
(Click on this image for a digital download or click HERE!)
There's the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal I've always enjoyed in 1 Kings 18. But in this story Elijah taunts the false prophets by saying, Shout louder! Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." Apparently the original Hebrew suggests that Elijah said "Maybe he's going to the bathroom!"
Anyway... now he could perhaps say, "Maybe he's on his cellphone!"
Not that there's anything inherently evil or even wrong with technology. I appreciate it (he says as he types on his macbook). But it certainly can get in the way of life.
]]>This is just a feeble attempt to shut me up.
It's not true. I mean, I am negative against spiritual and church abuse. And there have been times I've been bitter. But I'm not bitter right now. I am vocal. And I will continue to be as long as churches and their authorities continue to abuse their members.
I rejoice that there are some communities that are really attempting to gather together in healthy ways.
So I just want to encourage you to do what this woman in the cartoon is doing.
(Click on image for a digital download, or click HERE!)
Stand up! Speak up!
Your self-care will inspire others to do the same thing.
Here are a list of other blog posts I've written on Spiritual Abuse.
]]>Spiritual bypassing was coined by John Welwood to describe a process he saw happening in the Buddhist community he was in.
So, yes, spiritual bypassing happens in all kinds of spiritual contexts not just religious ones or Christian ones.
It is now a commonly used term that describes attempts to use spirituality and spiritual practices to avoid facing and dealing with unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths. Although spiritual bypassing can be tempting it's important to know it doesn't work.
Over the years many experts have added to the conversation on spiritual bypassing. Psychologist Ingrid Clayton highlights that spiritual bypassing is like a sneaky way our minds protect us. She explains, "It's a bit like putting up a barrier to avoid facing reality, shutting off our emotions, and avoiding the bigger picture. It's more about escaping than facing things head-on, and the difference is so small that we usually don't even realize we're doing it."
It's important to note that spiritual bypassing is not limited to any particular community; rather, it can manifest wherever there's an emphasis on spiritual advancement without addressing the complexities of human experience.
Spiritual Bypassing is tempting because it seems like an easy way to escape from pain.
But bypassing your emotions will never work. Experiencing our emotions and vulnerability is a fundamental part of our human experience.
Using spiritual bypassing is just a way of kicking the can down the road.
Recovering from spiritual bypassing can vary greatly from person to person, depending on the specific kind of spiritual bypassing they went through and how deeply it affected them.
For those in religious groups who have suffered years of spiritual abuse., they might find themselves struggling to heal from religious trauma. The work of overcoming this takes time and will look different than those who experienced spiritual bypassing in yoga and mindfulness circles or toxic self-help movements.
Every flavour deserves focused attention to heal.
Here are a 3 ways to heal and confront your experience with spiritual bypassing regardless of the community you've experienced it in.
Just as with healing from spiritual abuse, admitting that it happened is the first step to recovery. Don’t deny or minimize or dismiss it. You must acknowledge that it happened and the effect it had on you.
Understand that emotions arise naturally and aren't inherently labeled as positive or negative. Permit yourself to experience them without passing judgment, acknowledging that every emotion holds important insights into your inner condition.
When faced with an undesired feeling, your initial reaction might be self-criticism or avoidance. However, neither approach is effective. Instead, try to offer kindness to yourself for experiencing this emotion. Understand that it likely has a purpose. That purpose is for your healing and wholeness.
Socrates said it well in saying, "The unexamined life is not worth living". Journaling is a great tool for self-Awareness.
In journaling you will learn that you are a very complex person, deep and wise in your way, and even more compassionate because you are aware… aware of your surroundings and yourself.
(Me writing in my journal.)
Why Is It Important To Be Vulnerable?
The Power of Vulnerability for Healing Religious Trauma
Healing From Religious Trauma
Inner Child Healing After Deconstruction
Spiritual Bypassing describes attempts to use spirituality and spiritual practices to avoid facing and dealing with unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths.
People often use the Bible and their beliefs to hurt you and inflict spiritual abuse on you. They don't think they're being cruel. They think they're being righteous. They think they must somehow make you a better person. Some people may intentionally want to hurt you, so they find a holy excuse to do so.
Have you experienced this? This is a form of spiritual bypassing.
This cartoon is titled, It's Not Me It's God's Word, and is available as a digital download.
You've heard the expression "Thoughts and prayers!" Thoughts and prayers diverts our attention away from the inaction of those who use it. They might mean well, but for many of us it's a signal that they're not going to actually do anything. It diverts our attention away from their lack of actionable concern. And sometimes it's a way to divert our attention away from their greed for more money and power.
This cartoon is titled, Meaningless Thoughts and Prayers, and is available as a digital download.
Spiritual bypassing often manifests itself as a defence mechanism instead of facing difficult feelings like pain, anger, or sadness in an honest way. Some people pretend to be positive and distant, using spiritual ideas to hide from these uncomfortable feelings. But this only gives a temporary feeling of relief and stops real emotional growth and self-understanding. Some call this "toxic positivity". Examples of this would be "Good Vibes Only" or "God Is Always Good".
Once you’ve seen the signs of spiritual abuse and spiritual bypassing and recognize it, that’s actually the first step of your journey into healing and freedom. These are just 3 examples of spiritual bypassing but there are so many more. Feel free to leave other examples of spiritual bypassing in the comments below.
Before we address what spiritual abuse in a marriage is we must first unpack the definition of spiritual abuse.
Spiritual abuse is when spiritual leaders abuse their power and spiritual ideas to create a toxic culture of shame and control to fulfill their own desires.
It is both of these: abuse of power AND the self-serving use of spiritual ideas.
Both of these are fueled by theology or dogma.
I think this cartoon, Spiritual Abuse in a Picture, sums it up very well.
(Click on cartoon for a digital download, or click HERE!)
Spiritual abuse can occur in any type of relationship, including a marital relationship.
It is possible in a marriage, as in any relationship, due to a combination of factors related to power dynamics, manipulation, belief systems, and control.
Examples of spiritual abuse in marriage and relationships can vary widely, but they all involve the misuse of religious or spiritual beliefs to control, manipulate, or harm the other person. Here are some specific examples:
One partner pressures or coerces the other into converting to a different religion or spiritual belief system, disregarding their own beliefs and autonomy.
Using spiritual teachings to instil fear and control in the other person, making them believe that certain actions will lead to divine punishment or negative spiritual consequences.
Demanding that the other person cut ties with friends, family members, or social circles that don't share the same spiritual beliefs, isolating them from sources of support and community.
Dictating how the other person should pray, meditate, or engage in spiritual practices, and punishing them if they don't adhere to the abuser's prescribed rituals.
Leveraging spiritual beliefs to emotionally manipulate the other person, using guilt, shame, or spiritual teachings to force compliance with the abuser's demands or desires.
It's important to recognize these signs and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing spiritual abuse.
The impact of spiritual abuse in a marriage can be as severe as any kind of spiritual abuse leading to religious trauma that has a profound and far-reaching effect on a person's well-being.
It’s so hard to identify or find validation that spiritual abuse has occurred or is occurring. We make excuses, we see issues swept under the rug, we experience our stories of abuse being invalidated again and again.
Admitting that you that you were or are abused is an important first step in healing from spiritual abuse.