Last night I had a couple of dreams:
In the first one I am David with a slingshot. I am chasing a giant. I am incredibly brave and courageous and my shots are powerful, accurate and strong. The giant is running away and I am chasing him down. When I get close enough I realize I have been trying to get away from David. The giant is me.
In the second one there are two men talking on a sky-diving plane. One wants to continue on and live a life of adventure. The other one says that going "under 2002" did him in and he doesn't want to take risks any more. I realize that both of these men talking are actually me.
These are the two realities presently at work in me. One is strong, brave, loves adventure, and wants to take risks. The other is wounded, afraid and longs for security. I've always been intrigued with David, my name's sake, and the courage it took for him to face the giant. I've always fantasized about slaying giants. As I've matured, I've come to realize the giant is actually me with my own boisterous, stubborn and defying attitude. The greatest enemy to myself is my own self.
And in 2002 I took an incredible risk, left my church and accepted an invitation from an international ministry to start a church in New Hampshire, USA. Only five months later I was fired for "insubordination" (I'll tell you about that some time). I went "under" big time and had to flee back to Canada. I had promised myself I would never pastor again. But, a few years later, here I am again. And I've wondered ever since: what is the quality of my ministry? Is the root of my discontent a bloody, festering wound of fear and resentment? What kind of pastor doesn't want to take risks? What kind of shepherd wouldn't risk going through a dark valley of the shadow of death to get his flock to greener pastures? Am I still a pastor because of some of the security it brings? Or do I still long for the risks that pastoring with integrity, courage and authenticity brings? Am I afraid to step out only to get wounded again? It's almost guaranteed.
As you can see, these two dreams are a momentous glimpse into the battle that rages in my heart and mind.