How to Convert Heretics Online

"How to Convert Heretics Online" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

Description: A man teaching a class with these words on the screen:


CONCERN: Start by sounding kind and concerned for their very souls because they’re probably hurt, bitter, confused and probably never truly felt the love of Christ before.

CONDESCEND: When they say they’re okay, remind them not to trust their feelings or thoughts. It’s God they need to be okay with and he’s NOT okay with them in their ignorance and sin. Still sound concerned and condescending because you actually ARE superior because you’re right and they’re wrong. Don’t be a coward. Be bold in Christ. 

QUOTE BIBLE: When they ask you to be considerate and have some respect, write long passages of Scripture and tell them this isn’t you they’re angry with but God and his Word and you’re just quoting God and you’re actually God’s voice to them in their rebellion.

QUOTE MORE BIBLE: When they say they already know Scripture quote even MORE Scripture but this time in all caps because obviously they’ve twisted it to their own evil desires and everyone loves long passages of Scripture thrown at them all day and night.  

SCARE THEM: When they finally tell you to leave them alone, warn them that they’re going to regret it and wish they’d listened to you when they’re burning in Hell and the flesh is melting off their bones forever and they’re screaming uselessly for mercy but it’s too late. 

INVADE INTRUDE: These evil heretics have blind followers so invade their accounts and follow all these steps because you must warn them. Be as intrusive as God who wants and begs them to repent right now because this is urgent! They will call you rude but tell them it’s really love. They MUST convert or close their accounts! NOW!

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