"Jesus In Between" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward
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For most of my life I was a believer.
Then when I entered into the heat of my deconstruction battle, I was agnostic.
Finally, when I had fully deconstructed, some wanted to think I was an atheist.
I just said in a recent interview
that I lived in cognitive dissonance for most of my life. The mental anguish I endured was excruciating.
You see, I refused to reject everything. As a result I had a tangled mess that made no sense.
I stubbornly clung to the belief that there must be a way to figure this whole thing out without choosing sides. There must be a key to unlock this perplexing mystery so that it all falls into place. There must be clarity!
I was convinced that the answer was neither here nor there but through!
So, I resisted flying from one pole to the other.
Then, in 2009 when I nearly threw in the towel, I had a dream and the peace of mind that I had sought for decades finally came. It has never left. It is permanent. It is beautiful. I love it.
I've discovered that the cure to my cognitive dissonance was not choosing one side over the other. The answer to the paradox I was living in was not the elimination of a side.
Some mystics talk about an awakening. I agree with this metaphor because when I awakened‚ literally from the dream and spiritually from my anguish, I saw that I had been living in conflict and therefore suffering. I realized it was all a dream, an illusion. When I awakened all things reconciled and peace settled.
I'm not saying there is no longer any paradox or mystery. Instead, these are understood as the ripples and waves and currents upon a deeper sea of tranquility‚ the multi-faceted ways in which life presents itself.
We can come to a place where we see we are not one or the other or neither or both, but all.
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