Marriage and Deconstruction: Change! You're Not a Robot!


When people ask how our marriage survived deconstruction, I've said communication. But maybe it's the capacity to accept change.

When Lisa and I first fell in love, I wonder what would have happened if she said, ‚ love you, but I need to know you're okay if I change, because I'm going to since I plan on growing!‚A

My first thought would have been, ‚ long as you don't stop loving me. I don't ever want to lose you!‚A

That's fear! The fear of loss. The only way to prevent loss is to prevent change. If nothing changes then everything stays the same¶ two kids madly in love fulfilling each others' fantasies forever.

We form fantasies of our partners'¶ what they look like, how they behave, how they love us. When they fulfill our fantasies, everything's perfect. As soon as they deviate from it, the real work begins.

The sufferings in our relationships are rooted in fantasy. Disappointment is the failure of reality to correspond to our fantasy.

What if we accepted our partner as they are rather than as we wish them to be?

In some ways Lisa's a different person. But not essentially. Deep within her is the desire to grow. To change! She has and will. Me too!

Embedded in most marriage vows is the acknowledgment that things change, so we promise our love will remain constant throughout these changes.

If you are deconstructing your beliefs and faith, hopefully you've already agreed that change is inevitable, that often it's not what we wished, and that we will honor the change our partner undergoes and expect the same from them.

Change happens. But love can too!

(Need a safe space to deconstruct with friends and support? Or a place to just vent? Join us at!)

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