One of the things I'm dealing with these days is the loss of meaning. When I was in the church, there was so much meaning, so much talk about my glorious future and wonderful purpose. I couldn't begin to tell you how many prophecies I'd received over the years thousands! that provided me with a strong sense of destiny. Even though I "received" these cautiously, I couldn't help allowing them to stimulate my overwhelming self-awareness as a person for whom God had an awesome plan. I remember when I would start feeling lost I could just hang out with some people who would fill my meaning quotient to overflowing again. My mind was aswim with fantasies about my own life.
Now I question the validity of the meaning of all this. Like the prophetic word given to Mary, she responded that she would just wait for it to happen. And it didn't happen in the way a mother would want or expect. But I'm going further than that to question even the truth of much of what was said to me. There was so much that was delusional, plain and simple.
As I gain some distance from that I realize that I inadvertently relied on all this extrinsic meaning to give me meaning to give my life meaning. Do I have any intrinsic value? Is there any intrinsic meaning?
Now I have a regular job. I get up early and go to work like millions of other people. Although the job itself is good, it is just a job. There are no feelings of future or purpose or destiny attached to it. I clock in and clock out every day. I don't like Mondays. I get "TGIF". I relish my weekends. I enjoy the sublime peace of Sunday mornings at home. And I don't look forward to another workweek on Sunday night. I have a normal life.
I realize that I have to learn to find meaning intrinsically. In other words, I have to find meaning on my own without the flattery of others. Perhaps I just need to come to terms with the possibility that, like Job, there is no meaning. Nothing seems to make sense. There is no purpose. No destiny. Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that it is in the particulars, the mundane, the every day, the normal, where the meaning lies. It is in the love of my wife, children, friends, and others around me.
It was certainly a fantastic ride. Filled with fantasies. Perhaps what I need to let go of is the fantasies.
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