I recently read the Times article on Mother Teresa's crisis of faith
. I literally rejoiced over the exposure of her crisis through her letters to her confessors. I believe the darkness of her faith, the apparently complete absence of God in her life, is a brilliant testimony to her faith. We need to hear more about this kind of thing. For faith is dark. Darkness is its home. Darkness is the bed it sleeps in. I'm glad because this may give permission to more and more people admitting the obvious: that they do not feel God's presence like they were promised, that they have no tangible proof of God in their lives. I should say "we". Because that's where I'm at too.
I'm thankful I have a community in which I can be pretty honest about it. The disciples of Mother Teresa, when they were read some sections of her letters, sat with their mouths open in utter shock because she didn't want anybody to know. She herself complained that her infectious smile was a cloak that covered her dark torment. Now that she is no longer with us and her letters are being published, perhaps the next and most important leg of her ministry will begin: giving people permission to express their spiritual struggles and inner torments.
Find someone to talk to. Find people you can be honest, authentic, raw and naked with. Do it now. Don't wait. You will be surprised that there are many, many people who are struggling just like you are. You can't help it that you feel as though you've been grasped by Something much larger than you. You are a victim of the love of the Inexpressible. You have been captured by a Love that will not let you go. You can't explain it, but the Holy is there, within you and all around you. You can't feel anything, see anything, touch anything, know anything. How will you go on living in this contradiction? How will you take your next breath when you are crushed almost to death by this paradox? There are people, I know for a fact, that are ravaged just like you by this terrible Beauty. Find them and commune with them.