Staying Together Means Changing Together

Staying Together Means Changing Together

"Staying Together Means Changing Together" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

One of the most important lessons Lisa and I learned early in our relationship was that when one of us changes it forces the other to change too.

If you want to stay together!

Lisa and I met in Bible College. I'd been a music-major. She wanted to be a missionary. We fell in love. But the time came when she admitted she didn't know how this was going to work. How were we going to stay together when I'm a music minister and she's in India?

I decided it was more important for us to be together than anything else. So I switched majors to Bible.

We're still together.

David Schnarch, in his excellent book, Passionate Marriage, says the marriage relationship is a crucible into which we enter, not to come out the same.

If we don't change, distance develops between us, and eventually separation.

There were times when Lisa changed. Because I loved her so much and wanted to stay together, it forced me to question my position‚ my beliefs‚ and make changes.

It wasn't just to stay together, though.

It was because I trusted her, and her authentic progress caused me to question my assumptions, not only about her, but also about me!

Same the other way: there were times I changed and it forced her, if we wanted to stay together, to adapt and change.

Haven't there been times in your life when you suddenly realized you've not questioned anything and you're stuck in your assumptions?

Because we know change is hard. It's wrenching! We mostly don't welcome it. Often we avoid it.

But if we want to stay together, staying the same won't work.

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