“As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul longs for you.”
Desire is strange.
Longing is mysterious.
Wanting is perplexing.
On the one hand I grasp the necessity of contentment.
On the other hand I grasp the necessity of change.
I was told I had everything I needed.
I thought therefore I had everything I wanted.
The hardest question for me to answer was, “What do you want?” It was impossible to reply. I didn’t know what I wanted. I only knew what everyone else wanted. In giving them everything I gave them nothing.
In meeting their needs I withheld myself from them
because I withheld myself from myself.
Then one day I awakened to realize that my contentment was my captors’.
My contentment was actually a paralysis.
A coping mechanism for my powerlessness.
As soon as I realized this I was empowered.
So I embraced it and broke free.
I stood for myself.
I proclaimed, “This is me! And this is what I want!”
Finally I feel my own hunger!
Finally I taste my own thirst!
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. I’ve been looking for a long time. Therefore, I conclude, that searching is our default setting. When I came to peace with this, I came to peace with everything.
The search is the goal.
There is no path to somewhere.
The path is the destination.
Now I am at once hungry and full.
Thirsty and satisfied.
Searching and finding.
Content and changing.