Marriage and Deconstruction: Get Help!

"Cold as Ice" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward
“Cold as Ice” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward



A year after leaving the ministry and the church, Lisa announced I needed help. I thought I was fine because I wasn’t feeling any pain. In fact, I wasn’t feeling anything! I was frozen numb. She said I was threatening our marriage. I reluctantly promised to get help.

I couldn’t find someone I could trust or who would understand me. I approached people online who might recommend someone. Eventually, I found the perfect therapist. We talked regularly by phone. I paid her. It worked.

Find someone who will “get” you. They exist.


Sometimes, when we start feeling better, we’re tempted to stop our meds. We can be the worst analysts of our own health. So I decided I wouldn’t stop therapy until Lisa said I was healed and our marriage was rescued.

When we decide to trust someone, like a doctor, we entrust ourselves to them. We don’t interrupt their care because they know when we are healthy better than we do.

Tell them everything so they can make a good diagnosis and prognosis. Take their advice. Use them until they say, “You can do this on your own from now on. If you need to check in, I’m here.”


We have blind spots. I couldn’t see how sick I was. This proved that I need periodic checkups.

Doctors receive treatment. Counselors get counseling. Monks have confessors. Thomas Merton, very advanced spiritually, had several spiritual directors. He aknew he had blind spots. He wanted to grow, not just be pampered. He wanted transformation, not just affirmation.

I saved myself. I saved our marriage. Actually, Lisa did. Plus my therapist! Plus those who found her! Plus many others!

Do you need healing? Does your marriage? Then get help!

Download my eBook "Money is Spiritual" for just $10!

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