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"As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul longs for you."
Desire is strange. Longing is mysterious. Wanting is perplexing. On the one hand I grasp the necessity of contentment. On the other hand I grasp the necessity of change. I was told I had everything I needed. I thought therefore I had everything I wanted.
The hardest question for me to answer was, "What do you want?" It was impossible to reply. I didn't know what I wanted. I only knew what everyone else wanted. In giving them everything I gave them nothing. Especially me! In meeting their needs I withheld myself from them because I withheld myself from myself. Then one day I awakened to realize that my contentment was my captors'. My contentment was actually a paralysis. A coping mechanism for my powerlessness. As soon as I realized this I was empowered. So I embraced it and broke free. I stood for myself. I proclaimed, "This is me! And this is what I want!" Finally I feel my own hunger! Finally I taste my own thirst! I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I've been looking for a long time. Therefore, I conclude, that searching is our default setting. When I came to peace with this, I came to peace with everything. The search is the goal. There is no path to somewhere. The path is the destination. Now I am at once hungry and full. Thirsty and satisfied. Searching and finding. Content and changing.