Tony Jones on Mark Driscoll: What came first, the thug or the theology?

Re: Rachel Held Evans’ lack of response to this and other events. She makes money collaborating w/Tony Jones, et al, of the emergent movement, so it’s not surprising that she’s not jeopardizing her income stream.

A few random thoughts after just finishing a very productive dialog with Mr. Coffee where I drank in all the wisdom he had to offer …

Re: The wire service story. I may have missed some point of information, but, from all I can gather, it appears as if no one from a news source has contacted Julie McMahon directly, so that whole thing just hits me as odd. Perhaps they’ll get in touch with her later?

Re: Digital dissent and civility. I agree with what Brother Maynard just said. To my knowledge, this is a highly, highly unusual thread. Has there been anger? Yes. Some sarcasm and/or barbs? Yes. Triggering statements, whether accidental or intentional? Yes.

But wowzers … overall, quite civil and thoughtful. People are attempting to crowd-source facts via personal narratives, and stretch the communal interpretation via their questions and opinions. Various people have offered what they have from their own backgrounds and giftings. I tend to focus on research, evidences, piecing together information, context. Becky Garrison has shared some very insightful thoughts on the larger contexts of the whole “emerging” movements and the Christian industrial complex and why this matters to more than just Julie McMahon. Others (such as John Hubanks, Danica, etc.) are deconstructing statements for probable obfuscation and negation.

Those just strike me at the moment, both men and women, some with pseudonyms and others IRLnyms. I don’t mean to overlook anyone, as really, any/every comment can hold significance for other readers, and there is no predicting of what thoughts will end up making a connection for freedom in the mind and heart of which readers. But, those names are just a few examples to illustrate where having multiple sets of perspectives helps us as a community overcome the problems of blind spots and parallax.

But isn’t this what “flat structure” and “communal dialogue and discernment” and a “culture of participation” were supposed to be all about in the first place? Perhaps ironic that those were meant to be hallmarks of the Emergent movement, but now it’s happening outside their box, with Emergent as the focal point and not driving it.

Anyway, I have seen the opposite of relatively civil interchanges on spiritual abuse issues, so I have something to gauge this on. For instance, I tracked the Beaverton Grace Bible Church defamation lawsuit, where five former church members were sued for $500,000 by their former pastor and his church. There were newscasts in the secular media and the shrill nature of the blog comment threads that followed some of those reports would potentially have pushed even the calm balm of Mother Teresa into cardiac arrest.

Re: What exactly is this thing that’s happening, and where might it be going? Those who are students of church history … is it accurate that most incidents that turn into revival movements involve truthful confessions of culpability?

The latest post from Purple-Glasses Peggy seems immensely relevant along that particular line …

Peggy I have been diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD from this experience with an NPD and through the incident involving Brian McLaren, Mark Scandrette, Mike King, Danielle Shroyer, Brad Cecil and Doug Pagitt. I believe receiving the 5 step apology would be incredibly healing. Can they do it?

It has been suggested that it might be helpful to post the larger context to which Becky referred. I’m rushing, so don’t have time to condense it, but the language is simple, so it’s a quick read. Blessings all…I’ll check back in this afternoon.

I think we need to step back and take a look at exactly what we want to accomplish together and, especially, what it really means to apologize. Bear with me as I share The Five Languages of Apology, from the book of the same name by Chapman and Thomas: The long and the short of the book is that, just as with his earlier work with Love Languages, he has discerned (this time with Jennifer Thomas) that an apology can mean different things to different people. They have come to believe that there are five basic apology languages, and each of us have a “primary” apology that we’re looking for when someone has wronged us…and if we don’t get that one, we don’t feel the other has really apologized. The five are:

Apology Language #1: Expressing Regret “I am sorry.”

Apology Language #2: Accepting Responsibility “I was wrong.”

Apology Language #3: Making Restitution “What can I do to make it right?”

Apology Language #4: Genuinely Repenting “I’ll try my best not to do that again.”

Apology Language #5: Requesting Forgiveness “Will you please forgive me?”

The challenge we have, when someone is expressing an apology, is to receive it according to their intent and not necessarily by our expectation. The point is two-fold: First, we need to discern whether they are sincere. We must look to see whether their language is different from ours, and whether we are judging sincerity on whether or not it is what we are hoping to hear. Second, if it is not given in our “language”, we need to step back and look for the linguistic difference before we judge it as not enough.

As with the Love Languages, the point is to become as fluent in all the languages, even if one is “native” and comes most easily. That would make a truly “full” apology one which includes all five. But this may also come in steps.

The thing that has been nagging at me has been that I have come to believe that an apology cannot be demanded—and it cannot, especially, be demanded in exactly the way we want it—if it is to be authentic and transformative.

What can be—and should be—done is to express, as clearly as possible, the harm that one has received from another. It needs to be done with as much grace as possible, because vitriol doesn’t particularly lead to confession and repentance.

Each one us us have been on the receiving end of incredible pain. Some pain was from those who were just ignorant and insensitive, other pain came from those who were actually seeking to damage us. What I have come to know in the depths of my soul is this: hurting people hurt people.

The first thing I need to do when someone hurts me is to stop and take a deep breath and count to however high I need to in order to let the stress hormones dissipate. Yeah…who does this well? This is what community is for…and I have come to believe that our primary community is the Trinity.

The second thing I need when I am hurt is someone who will bear my pain with me. Rarely do any of us find that need met in a timely and healing manner. There are just not enough empathetic listeners in the world. There are plenty of “fixers” though … who will jump in and try to fix stuff, which frequently just makes things worse. I refer you to Job’s “friends”….

But this is where the primary community of the Trinity comes back into play. Jesus knows our pain. He listens with an empathetic ear and heart. He sits with me in my grief without offering either trite words or rebounding my pain with righteous anger. He lets me pour out all my anger and resentment and grief and tears…he listens me into free speech, as our Allelon friends taught me back in 2007.

Because, in the end, it is speech that is full of grace and mercy that invokes grief and contrition in the heart of one who has harmed us. It gives the Spirit a foot in the door of the other’s heart…and it is the Spirit who convicts the heart.

Finally, the thing that I want to leave you with is this: those of us who have suffered this way have been left with triggers, a form of Spiritual PTSD, which make it difficult to engage. We are fragile. I have learned that everyone I know is wounded and fragile in some way—seen or unseen. I have chosen to move toward grace and mercy with everyone, because if we truly knew each other’s stories, we would have more patience and kindness in our words and actions. The times when I have allowed my pain to speak unfiltered (through the ears of the Trinity), I have usually come to regret it. When I have been patient and waited for the right time and place, the results have been so much better.

I believe we are all called to speak what we hear the Father saying to us. We are each on different segments of the Journey, with important perspectives. Those of us with sharper swords, as it were, need to wield them wisely. I so appreciate each and every one of you and the way you are able to speak the truth.

I trust that God will honor our intentions and show us how to proceed so that the right thing is done in the right way.

Gotta run. Back later….

@Brother Maynard: Yes – in fact, that occurred to me in the hours after I posted my question earlier today. It would indeed be a shame to do anything that might hinder the very unique and special thing that is happening here.