Can You Be Spiritual Abused In A Marriage?

Before we address what spiritual abuse in a marriage is we must first unpack the definition of spiritual abuse itself.

What Is Spiritual Abuse?

Spiritual abuse is when spiritual leaders abuse their power and spiritual ideas to create a toxic culture of shame and control to fulfill their own desires.

Just like physical abuse uses physical means, or financial abuse uses financial means, or sexual abuse uses sexual means, etcetera, to achieve their ends, spiritual abuse uses spiritual means to achieve its ends... like positions of church power, the Bible, theological ideas such as the threat of excommunication or shunning or Hell, it uses these to terrify people into submission.

It is both of these: abuse of power AND the self-serving use of spiritual ideas. Both of these are fueled by theology or dogma. I think this cartoon, Spiritual Abuse in a Picture, sums it up very well.

What Is Spiritual Abuse In A Marriage? 

Spiritual abuse occurs in a marriage when one partner manipulates or controls the other by using their spirituality.

Can You Be Spiritual Abused In A Marriage?

So let's talk about spiritual abuse inside a marriage. Is it possible. Yes it is.
Spiritual abuse can occur in any type of relationship, including a marital relationship. It is possible in a marriage, as in any relationship, due to a combination of factors related to power dynamics, manipulation, belief systems, and control. 

5 Examples of Spiritual Abuse in Marriage and Relationships

Examples of spiritual abuse in marriage and relationships can vary widely, but they all involve the misuse of religious or spiritual beliefs to control, manipulate, or harm the other person. Here are some specific examples:

1. Forced Religious Conversion

This is when one partner pressures or coerces the other into converting to a different religion or spiritual belief system, disregarding their own beliefs and autonomy.

They might say, "I can't marry you (or stay married to you) if you don't convert to my religion!" This person is uncomfortable with diversity in beliefs, and is requiring their partner to conform to their belief system with the threat of separation if they don't.

2. Manipulation Through Fear

Using spiritual teachings to instil fear and control in the other person, making them believe that certain actions will lead to divine punishment or negative spiritual consequences. 

I knew a couple where the woman kept making her husband believe he must be demon-possessed when he made her unhappy or frustrated her in any way. She was using the fear of demons to control his behaviour and make him submit to her demands.

3. Isolation and Separation

Demanding that the other person cut ties with friends, family members, or social circles that don't share the same spiritual beliefs, isolating them from sources of support and community.

I've seen this a lot in some church communities I have observed or even be a part of. When one partner realizes that their partner's relationships outside of their marriage might have what they think is a negative influence on them, they will try to cut them off from those relationships to ensure that their partner stays on the straight and narrow of their expectations.

We see this happen a lot in cults.

4. Control Over Spiritual Practices

Dictating how the other person should pray, meditate, or engage in spiritual practices, and punishing them if they don't adhere to the abuser's prescribed rituals.

Some people have very rigid ideas of what their religion should look like, and that everyone must do it the same way. If they bring this attitude into a marriage, it's going to cause tension, friction, and division, because it requires conformity over personal authenticity and uniqueness. If one partner feels they always have to sacrifice their own ideas and practices to prevent their partner from getting upset, this will make for a toxic marital relationship.

5. Emotional Blackmail

Leveraging spiritual beliefs to emotionally manipulate the other person, using guilt, shame, or spiritual teachings to force compliance with the abuser's demands or desires.

If a partner is constantly using the bible and theology to shame and guilt their partner into submission to their expectations, this will quickly lead to resentment and a shallow relationship that often won't last long.

It's important to recognize these signs and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing spiritual abuse.

The Impact Of Spiritual Abuse In A Marriage

The impact of spiritual abuse in a marriage can be as severe as any kind of spiritual abuse leading to religious trauma that has a profound and far-reaching effect on a person's well-being.

We see this happen a lot in marriages concerning the issue of sex. The patriarchal culture of Christianity which demands that women submit to their husbands sexually, is particularly damaging. I've seen Christian husbands over and over again force their wives to have sex because the bible teaches that their wives' bodies belong to them and not their wives. Many women have equated this with marital rape, and they're not wrong.

It’s so hard to identify or find validation that spiritual abuse has occurred or is occurring. We make excuses, we see issues swept under the rug, we experience our stories of abuse being invalidated again and again.

Admitting that you that you were or are abused is an important first step in healing from spiritual abuse.