Advice on Making Friends after Leaving the Church

When we leave the church, one of the hardest challenges is building new relationships. Losing most, if not all, of the friends we had is often part of the process. I’ve been through it, learned a lot, and want to share my experiences and advice with you.

Change your expectations.

When we’re in the church, we’re handed a whole network of friends to love and groups to join. If you came from a church that encouraged small groups or intimate fellowship, the level of closeness you experienced there cannot be replicated on the same scale in the real world. And honestly, that’s okay.

Many of us leave behind an unnatural intensity of intimacy that often proves to be unhealthy. In the real world, it’s normal to have only a few close friends, a wider circle of just friends, and a larger group of acquaintances. This “normal” is not only manageable but also fulfilling. Adjusting to this dynamic is key to finding satisfaction in new friendships.

Wean yourself off of unhealthy relationships.

Church culture often requires us to be constantly open, honest, and vulnerable, leaving little room for privacy. Many friendships felt genuine but were ultimately conditional on conformity to the group’s beliefs and expectations. When you leave the church, these relationships often dissolve, revealing their fragile foundation.

In the real world, authenticity means being yourself without fear of rejection because of nonconformity. Now, you have the freedom to choose who you surround yourself with. Prioritize healthy, supportive relationships over toxic or purpose-driven ones. Say goodbye to the idea that every relationship must have an explicit or hidden agenda.

Do the work

Building genuine friendships takes effort. In the church, friendships were often provided on a platter, with regular gatherings, shared beliefs, and structured opportunities to connect. Outside the church, you have to take the initiative.

Lisa and I discovered that if we didn’t reach out, friendships rarely developed. Most people are busy or unsure of how to initiate relationships. If we saw potential in a friendship, we actively pursued it with intention and persistence. Initiating contact, scheduling time to meet, and nurturing relationships take planning and commitment, but the rewards are worth it.

Practical Steps for Making Friends

1. Don’t Take It Personally
   If someone doesn’t reciprocate your efforts to connect, it’s usually because they’re busy, shy, or afraid. If they consistently refuse without a good reason, move on. Friendships should feel mutual and enjoyable, not one-sided.
2. Schedule It In
   Life is busy, so make plans and stick to them. Reach out with specific suggestions, like, “What are you doing Saturday morning? Want to meet us for brunch?”

3. Restore Old Friendships
   Rekindle connections with people you’ve lost touch with. A simple, “We’ve been thinking about you and wondered if you’d like to get together” can go a long way.

4. Pick Up Clues
   If someone hints at wanting to connect, follow up! Take opportunities as they come, or they may pass you by.

5. Choose Neutral Places
   Sometimes it’s easier to meet outside your home to reduce the pressure of hosting. Suggest meeting at a restaurant or café where everyone can relax.
6. Extend Invitations
   When you meet new people through mutual friends or events, invite them to hang out again. Building friendships starts with small gestures.
7. Keep It Up
   Maintaining friendships takes consistent effort. Check in with people regularly and make plans to stay connected.

8. Detoxify
   Let go of relationships that are toxic or draining. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who accept and uplift you.

9. Go to Events
   Attend social activities like art gallery openings, local concerts, or community events. These can be great opportunities to meet new people.

10. Appreciate the Few
    Most people have only a handful of close friends, and that’s normal. Cherish those connections and continue to nurture the 

Loneliness can feel overwhelming after leaving the church, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Making friends in the real world requires intentionality and effort, but it’s incredibly rewarding. You don’t need to long for the days when a built-in network of friends was handed to you. You can create meaningful connections that are authentic and healthy—on your own terms.

Happy friending!