How to Recognize and Respond to Controlling Leaders in Churches

Have You Experienced a Controlling Leader?

Many of us have encountered controlling church leaders. It’s one of the most telling signs of a controlling church, and pastors, unfortunately, can often be the worst offenders. These leaders use their spiritual authority to dominate and manipulate, disguising their actions as being for your own good.

When I first encountered controlling leaders, I was so enchanted by them that I didn’t mind. “Enchanted” is the key word because it felt like I was spellbound and captivated. I didn’t realize what was happening until the veil was lifted, and I saw the truth. That moment of clarity was painful—I realized I had sacrificed myself on the altar of their power. I felt betrayed and disillusioned by the very people I trusted most.

When I naively thought I could address these issues, it didn’t go well. Things always escalated quickly, but in hindsight, leaving those situations was better for me. Many of you reading this probably have similar stories. If you do, you’re not alone.

Be Careful Challenging Controlling Leaders

If you’ve ever considered challenging a controlling leader, here’s a word of caution: proceed carefully. Whether you’re on the leadership team, a staff member, or a congregant, confronting a controlling leader, especially in environments where spiritual abuse thrives, can have serious consequences. In my experience, challenging their authority often leads to termination or immense pressure to leave.

This has happened to me multiple times. Whenever I brought up concerns about leaders being too controlling, it didn’t end well for me. You might think it’s my fault, and I’ll own my part, but the pattern remained: speaking up led to being pushed out.

Here’s how I used to think:

• “I’m part of the team. Obviously, we all want the team to succeed. Constructive criticism should make us better, right? By addressing this leader’s micromanaging tendencies, I’ll help our community thrive. Surely, they’ll appreciate my input.”

Wrong.  Controlling leaders love being in control and are unwilling to relinquish it. That’s why they’re in those positions. They don’t see challenges as opportunities for growth but as threats to their authority. To better understand their behavior, read Understanding Narcissistic Pastors.

What to Do If You Encounter a Controlling Leader

If you find yourself dealing with a controlling leader, keep these tips in mind:

1. Recognize the Signs Early: Controlling leaders often disguise their behavior as care or concern. Pay attention to patterns of micromanagement, manipulation, or power hoarding.  8 Warning Signs You're in a Controlling Church can help you identify these patterns.
2. Protect Yourself: Before confronting them, consider the potential consequences. Ensure you have a plan in place if things don’t go well.
3. Find Support: Connect with others who understand your situation. Whether it’s trusted friends, family, or a supportive community, having allies can make a big difference.
4. Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best decision is to leave. Staying in a toxic environment can harm your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being leading to lasting religious trauma.
5. Learn from the Experience: Reflect on what happened and how you can grow. Use these lessons to recognize and avoid similar situations in the future.
   

You’re Not Alone

If you’ve experienced this, know you’re not alone. Many people have faced similar situations, and sharing your story can be a powerful way to heal and help others. Remember, your well-being matters, and you deserve to be part of a community that uplifts and respects you.