Can A Marriage Survive A Change In One Partner's Religious Beliefs?

This post is sad but it’s real. Buckle up!

When faith deconstruction strikes a marriage it can be devastating. By deconstruction, I mean the changing of spiritual beliefs, the loss of faith, or leaving the church. By strikes a marriage, I mean when one or both partners experience deconstruction.
I am not going to sugarcoat the reality. My observation is most marriages don’t survive when one partner changes their belief system. I get messages from people all the time who are struggling in their marriages and relationships because they have changed their faith or religious beliefs. One thinks it's still okay to believe in God and the other thinks it's stupid to. One still loves the faith and the other hates Christians. One is perplexed by what they think is their partner’s naïve beliefs, the other is perplexed by what they think is their partner’s dangerous unbelief. So their relationship falls under strain, and they may end up separating and divorcing.

This not only happens in marriage but in all our relationships.

When Lisa and I started deconstructing our faith and beliefs well into our marriage, we had no idea what to expect. We had been madly in love for many years. We met in Bible College and served churches as a team for a long, long time. Our marriage almost didn't survive when I left the ministry. Feeling suddenly free from all limitations, I began being more authentic about my spirituality. We felt we were no longer on the same page, or the same book, or library! But time taught us that we were in the same story. Our story proved that we can grow together. We learned that compatibility of beliefs wasn’t the glue of our marriage. Love and the mutual respect love fosters was! Our relationship is richer for it.

Here are 5 reasons why many marriages don’t survive spiritual deconstruction

1. They realize the only reason they got married was to have sex legally. 

They wanted to have sex, but the only way was to get married. Now, years later and starting to question everything about the faith and the church, they admit getting married just to have sex isn’t a good enough reason to stay together. Especially if sex is no longer an important part of the relationship.

2. They discover that they’re not really in love.

 They thought they were in love because of pressure from the church to behave as though they were. It takes a lot of self-awareness and honesty to say, “You know what? I don’t love him/her. I never really did!” Once they can admit that, then they realize there’s no reason to keep trying to make this work.

3. They conclude that it’s not worth the effort required to fix it.

They realize they’ve changed so much and that they no longer feel compatible. Sometimes people realise that the person they are with is not the person they married, and they don’t have the energy or the time to try to fall in love with this version of their partner! They feel so out of sync with each other that the happiness is gone and there’s no point in continuing. Unfortunately, this happens.

4. They want to leave anything to do with their religious past. 

This may include their spouse. I’ll be honest with you: this was one that nearly broke up my marriage. I wanted to run from everything. I escaped religion and the church, abhorred the thought of feeling trapped, and considered walking away from my wife, my family, my home. Everything! It was one of the most confusing times of my life. Some don’t survive this impulse and do leave everything associated with their past, including their marriage.

5. They decide they got married too young. 

They've never known anything but married life. Some people who get married very young feel they have never colored outside the lines, and were never allowed to live authentically without being responsible to or for another. Related to this are people who discover they’re not monogamous or heterosexual or their assigned gender, etcetera. Often the woman decides she will longer participate in a misogynist or sexist relationship. Many go their separate ways in order to live their own way, something they’ve never done before.

Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving

Sometimes, when deconstruction hits you and you change your beliefs, you might realize that you were never really in love in the first place, or that your love has died, or that the pressure and expectations of your church forced you to marry and stay together even though it wasn't right. The veil lifts, you see your marriage for what it is, and you decide that it might be better to go your separate ways. This is not failure. It’s self-awareness!
Sometimes divorce is, sadly, the better option. However,  a huge part of the problem is the stigma of divorce that survives in our minds from our religious days. In your mind, you think: God hates divorce and I should suffer long even in a terrible marriage because that’s always better than divorce. But, I do not judge anyone going through this or for the decision they make. Religious deconstruction is always messy. It’s never clear or clean.

If you want to end your marriage, do it as well and as kindly as you can. The goal is the personal well-being of each person and taking the steps necessary to make sure that happens. If both partners want to make the marriage work, it’s not easy but it can be done. Ask me, I know!

Here are 5 ways you can help your marriage and yourself survive spiritual deconstruction

1. Don't be rash. When you were on the same page there was no need for patience. You had what you wanted: one hundred percent agreement. But as each person in the marriage begins to grow, mature, and change, disagreement is bound to and ought to occur. When one partner in a relationship changes, it forces the other to change. Marriage is like a crucible of transformation. We influence and change each other. This is what love does, actually. We make compromises (translate: improvements) in order to make our partner happy and our relationship more pleasant. So, when our partner starts to change, don't prematurely and immaturely dash out the door and abandon your partner or the relationship. Give it time: they will change again and so may you!
2. Don't compromise too much. This one goes against a lot of info out there but it needs to be said (it’s also why it’s a longer section than the others). If your partner can no longer tolerate you, gives you ultimatums, or gets impatient and angry with you, and decides to leave, that's their problem, not yours. Their attempts to pressure you into a certain way of thinking is controlling and unfair. You didn't require that of them, and they shouldn't require it of you. 
   The best and healthiest growth is natural and unforced. Everyone knows that. So don't compromise yourself too much by becoming what they demand you to be just so they'll be happy and stay with you. It's not worth it, because you are more important than the marriage. What I mean is, the healthiest relationship is between two consenting adults who don't manipulate or coerce one another. When you promised to take one another in sickness and in health, this meant spiritually too. So if they can't love you as you are right now, and as you are in your own spiritual process, then that's their problem, not yours. Don't sacrifice your essential self on the altar of their selfish insecurities and fears.
3. Stay open-minded and curious rather than judgemental. As adults mature, they begin to understand what true love is - a safe space to grow individually without judgement. You don’t need to understand your partner’s religious beliefs or even agree with them to show your partner respect. Instead of pushing to shift their perspective, lean into curiosity. Ask, listen, and really try to see where they’re coming from. It’s not about winning an argument or being right— it’s about opening a door to deeper understanding and letting your connection grow stronger.
4. Realise you are not alone in this and it’s not wrong. Thousands of couples navigate the complexities of different religious beliefs every day. There’s nothing wrong with you or your partner; it’s just part of the journey. There are plenty of resources out there, from books to professional counselors. Seeing a therapist can make a world of difference. But, a word of advice, look for someone impartial, who understands both sides without taking one. If you get a counselor who shares one partner’s faith, the therapist will struggle to stay neutral and focus on helping you grow together.
5. Love with humility and respect. I was going to say love means tolerance, but tolerance has the ring of superiority to it‚ like, because I am right and you are wrong, I will tolerate you in your error until you finally see the light like I did and come around to my way of thinking! I definitely don't mean that. I mean love is humble and doesn't think of itself too highly. 

When we acknowledge that life is full of mystery, and all knowledge, beliefs, theories and conclusions are transitory and provisional based on incoming information, we can be humble about our own beliefs and respectful of our partner’s. Good scientists take this approach. Good partners do too.

In mature, loving relationships, there’s a mutual respect that goes deeper than held beliefs. That is, we must trust our loved one to take care of themselves intellectually and spiritually. The beliefs are just thoughts rippling on the surface of a deeper reality called the self, and we trust their self to their own search and discoveries.

When we trust each other and leave our insecurities and fear of judgment aside, we can discover a whole new and more authentic version of our relationship that is deeply rewarding. But only if we are brave, patient, honest, and open-minded. 

More resources for marriage and deconstruction of faith

• You can read my personal story on this blog post - How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstruction.
  You can watch this video, with Monica Alhbin from the G(ud)-Punkten podcast, where I talk about the terrifying experience of not knowing if my marriage would survive spiritual deconstruction.
  
• You can read my book, Til Doubt Do Us Part: When Changing Beliefs Changes Your Marriage.