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Strengthening Your Marriage During Deconstruction
Deconstruction can feel like a lonely journey. But it doesn’t have to be.
I keep saying it because it’s true:
Communication is key.
It’s critical.
It’s the cure.
If you’re navigating changing beliefs within your marriage, here are some practical tips for meaningful conversations with your loved ones:
- Arrange a time to talk:
Being intentional makes all the difference.
- Promise you'll try to not get defensive.
Speak descriptively about your experience, not reactively.
- Promise you'll try to not get judgmental.
Hear your partner’s perspective without evaluating it.
- Have drinks while you talk
Lisa and I have scotch and Bailey's nights. Find what works for you.
- Settle in for a long talk.
Deep topics deserve time to unfold naturally.
- If you have trouble articulating where you are, just try.
Even if it’s hard, trying is what matters.
- Determine to be honest. Share your emotions, not just your thoughts.
Share your emotions, not just your thoughts.
- Don't be insecure. Pretend you're not emotionally invested in the other.
Act as though you’re not emotionally dependent on each other’s beliefs. - Trust the other is on their journey not by accident but by choice.
Trust that they’re on their path for a reason.
- Realize it's not going to get settled today.
This is a process, not a race.
Why It’s Worth It
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Honesty is sexy.
Connecting through honest communication can be very alluring.
Finding compatibility at a deeper level can be very sensual.
Discovering new facets of your spouse can be very romantic.
Who knows where this could lead?
For Lisa and I, it lead to a reboot for our marriage and our relationship‚ better than it's ever been. I wrote about it here: How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstructio
Give it a shot!
1 comment
Hi! I heard you on the Heretic Happy Hour the other day and really enjoyed what you had to say. I have been deconstructing from a fundamentalist turned mainstream evangelical (you know you’re truly from a fundy background when mainstream evangelicalism feels like freedom!) for a few years now but not hardcore until Last January. For a while I kept some things to myself knowing that my Piper-loving husband wouldn’t be too happy. To be fair, my husband is a ver reasonable person who likes to take everyone’s perspective into consideration. He doesn’t always realize how damaging someone like Piper can be because he’s (my husband) is a white male. So, I’ve gradually been letting him in on my process. He asks questions sometimes and tries to understand. He doesn’t listen to what I’m listening to or read what I share with him. But I can see he’s trying to be understanding. But as things are getting more intense for me, he’s getting more stern about things. We are missionaries and he is a leader in our org. We live on the support of people deeply in the American Evangelical world. Our sending church is a church plant of Bethlehem Baptist in Minneapolis. So, there’s a lot at stake if my changing views get out there in the public. I am wanting him to be understanding and to see this as a positive thing. But I do understand that this may have big implications on our lives eventually, so I get his angst. It’s what keeps me up at night, so I’m no better. But I’m feeling deeply insecure about our relationship. I’m willing to hold these differing beliefs in tension. I’m not so sure he will be able to. I find that’s so common in this deconstruction journey. Those on the left can sit with those on the right, but not vice versa. I’m not saying he’s threatening divorce. He’s not saying clearly what he means, just that “it will be a big problem if I come to very different theological beliefs.” But I MUST go through this process. I don’t know what I’m asking. I’m wondering if you have any advice or just encouragement. We will continue to talk through it. Of course being parents this has big implications as well…but then, we’ve never seen eye to eye as parents, so…