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Some days deconstruction made me numb. I didn’t know what was going to happen to my marriage. In this video, I talk about this terrifying experience with Monica Alhbin from the G(ud)-Punkten podcast. In the second half, we talk about the hurt you feel when you lose your community to deconstruction.
When Lisa and I started deconstructing our faith and beliefs well into our marriage, we had no idea what to expect. Our marriage almost didn't survive.
We had been madly in love for many years. We met in Bible College and served churches as a team for a long, long time. We were joined at the hip and were completely on the same page spiritually.
Then, deconstruction hit. Like a tsunami!
I wrote about all of this in my book, Til Doubt Do Us Part: When Changing Beliefs Change Your Marriage.
Suddenly, we had to figure out what it was that really brought us together and that really could keep us together.
Surely, it wasn't compatibility of beliefs! I didn't fall in love with her faith. I fell in love with her. And the same with her with me. If we were going to work this out and stay together, it could not mean one of us surrendering, compromising, and falling in line behind the other in terms of beliefs.
No! We came to the conclusion that it was love that drew us together and would keep us together. And with love comes mutual respect. And with mutual respect comes the desire to give space and allow others to be truly other in all their fascinating wonder.
So, we took some steps to make this happen. We talked to counselors and therapists and coaches. We read books. We talked... a lot. We made special dates. We fought and argued and split up for a night or two or three. But eventually we started to see light at the end of the long tunnel. It took a couple of years of rediscovering how to relate again, but we did it.
Lisa and I are very different. However, our love is the same, but stronger, more mature, wiser, and even sexier.
We made it.
And if we can do it, so can you!