How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstruction

What do you do when you and your partner no longer agree on fundamental spiritual beliefs? I know all about it. Lisa (my wife) and I were there. This is our story. Maybe it can help you.

For years, even decades, we were pretty much on the same page. Then, as deconstruction set in and our beliefs and theology began to undergo a dramatic and traumatic shift, we drifted apart. We used to be so much on the same page we were indiscernible. There was never any thought about feeling different. There was no concern about arguing things through to an agreeable position. There was never the effort to compromise our beliefs or values. It really hit us when we left the ministry and the church in 2010. It was then we realized we were no longer on the same page spiritually. 

Sometimes it felt like she went her way and I went mine. She went to get her nursing degree and I went to teach at a university. We used to share the same beliefs, spirituality, and church life. We were joined at the hip. Then we weren't. It felt strange and scary!

We didn’t know how to be together. We didn’t even know how to talk. The glue we assumed held us together (a mixture of being on the same page of belief, being in ministry together, and being a part of a community of believers) disintegrated.

We had to figure out, if we wanted our marriage to survive, how to stay together. What was the real glue of our relationship that had lasted over 30 years?

There are some basic ingredients that helped our marriage survive spiritual deconstruction

1. Memory and positivity

We remembered the good things. We recalled what drew us together, what attracted us to each other, and what we loved (and still love) about each other. That's the essence of a relationship. For me, I'll be honest, I was first attracted to Lisa because she was the hottest girl on campus. Then, when I started to get to know her, I was attracted to her feistiness, her strong will and independence, her deep wisdom, and her zest for life. Her beliefs weren't even on the list.
Even though we’ve changed so much since then, Lisa still possesses those same essential attributes, including still being hot, and that's what makes her so desirable to me and contributes to our sturdy relationship. Always has. Figuring out our different beliefs is a game played upon this sturdy board. 

2. Help and support 

We got help. Counselors, therapists, coaches. You name it, we did it. We read good books on marriage (I even wrote one). Get my favorite here. We hung out with other healthy couples and supportive friends who model real, judgement-free love. We learned how to renegotiate and to communicate openly and without judgement. And now that we’re in a good place, we realise that a shift in our beliefs was actaully a good and natural thing. Perhaps before deconstruction, we were so enmeshed that we weren't really individuals? Maybe before, even though we were very happy, we were kind of codependent on one another and lacked a healthy autonomy?

(Click on image for a digital download of it, or click here.)

3. Communication and effort 

We embraced change as not only inevitable but preferable. And to do that meant consistently making an effort. We tried to explain and communicate what we we going through, even when we didn’t understand it ourselves. We helped eachother process the unpacking of our crumbling beliefs and through it all we had to show appreciation in whatever little ways we could. We kept romance alive even when the fire wasn't there. We went on dates. I bought flowers. We set up times to discuss things. 
And it’s ongoing. For me, it means getting treats for Lisa even in the midst of apparent disagreement. It means going for walks together. It means sitting down and intentionally having a difficult conversation. It means enjoying sex‚ where theology isn't invited.

4. Grace and trust 

Even though it was hard, I had grace for myself and grace for Lisa. We tried and tried again not to judge eachother. Why? Because in marital storms, you need to remeber that you're not watching a snapshot, you're watching a movie. You're observing the wonderful unfolding of an individual's life in remarkable ways... yours and your spouse's. 
Trust that your partner knows what's best for themselves, just like you're trusting yourself to know what's best for you. The journey of explorers is never in a straight line, but zigzagging all over the place, sometimes back, sometimes forward, but always towards the destination, whatever that is‚ which you don't know until you get there. We are strange and wonderful human beings. Appreciate that! Be as gracious as you were with each other in your earliest days.

Patience and hope

When deconstruction set in for Lisa and me, it was frightening. We had never navigated these waters before. They were strange, dangerous, and completely unpredictable. We had to paddle by the seat of our pants because not much had been written about this stuff before. No one told us, for example, that it was going to be a couple of years before we would start feeling stable or even in love again. 
There were times, literally, when bags were packed and we were heading our separate ways. I hate recalling those moments because we nearly ended a really good thing. I had friends advising me to just do what made me happy. But I didn't trust myself. I was confused. So, I cam to an important realisation that I share with others: Do NOT make a decision during confusing times. Wait for clarity! I'm so glad I did. Lisa and I waited for clarity. It took years, but it was so worth it. We held out in hopes that things would get better. And they did.

Nurturing our marriage through religious deconstruction was hard but worth it

One of the most difficult challenges I ever undertook was to deconstruct my beliefs and stay married. Honestly, there were many times Lisa and I didn't think we were going to make it. But we did. And I'm so grateful.
We're still together and better than we've ever been as a married couple. We got through the desert and found an oasis on the other side of it. We're good. Really good. We've been married 37 years and the romance is still alive! 
Through our deconstruction, we have gained the wisdom to realize that love keeps us together, not compatibility. We have found humility to embrace the other in all their profound complexity. And we rediscovered the power of love, the glue that joined us together so many years ago and keeps us together still. 

I always provide a disclaimer with the topic of religious deconstruction and marriage

Some marriages don't make it. Some people decide they were never meant to be married in the first place, or realize that their marriage was never a good one to start with, or decide that there's just too much damage done to repair it. All these reasons, and more, are valid. I support people through these painful transitions as well. And I see many of them come through the other side of separation and divorce as happier and healthier people with a hopeful life ahead of them. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving.