Jesus In Between

"Jesus In Between" cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

“Jesus In Between” cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

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For most of my life I was a believer.

Then when I entered into the heat of my deconstruction battle, I was agnostic.

Finally, when I had fully deconstructed, some wanted to think I was an atheist.

I just said in a recent interview that I lived in cognitive dissonance for most of my life. The mental anguish I endured was excruciating.

You see, I refused to reject everything. As a result I had a tangled mess that made no sense.

I stubbornly clung to the belief that there must be a way to figure this whole thing out without choosing sides. There must be a key to unlock this perplexing mystery so that it all falls into place. There must be clarity!

I was convinced that the answer was neither here nor there but through!

So, I resisted flying from one pole to the other.

Then, in 2009 when I nearly threw in the towel, I had a dream and the peace of mind that I had sought for decades finally came. It has never left. It is permanent. It is beautiful. I love it.

I’ve discovered that the cure to my cognitive dissonance was not choosing one side over the other. The answer to the paradox I was living in was not the elimination of a side.

Some mystics talk about an awakening. I agree with this metaphor because when I awakened… literally from the dream and spiritually from my anguish, I saw that I had been living in conflict and therefore suffering. I realized it was all a dream, an illusion. When I awakened all things reconciled and peace settled.

I’m not saying there is no longer any paradox or mystery. Instead, these are understood as the ripples and waves and currents upon a deeper sea of tranquility… the multi-faceted ways in which life presents itself.

We can come to a place where we see we are not one or the other or neither or both, but all.

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6 Responses

  1. Jack Russell says:

    “Some mystics talk about an awakening” sounds not dissimilar to “I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again”

    I here what you say about a dream David. I would say perhaps not dissimilarly I can to a mystical “knowing”. I can’t describe it so it would be pointless to ask I just “know”. Perhaps that’s what being “a believer” in the true sense is and not in the way it can be used to divide into “us” and “them”.

    Yeah living in cognitive dissonance sure sucks! Still, there never has been a time before now with as good medications and therapies – it’s always possible to go down the path of these ;).

  2. Caryn LeMur says:

    Embracing the questions often leads to peace.

    Demanding the questions be resolved often does not.

    Well… at least in my opinion. 😉

  3. Sue Bonner says:

    At one time I thought my Christian faith meant all the answers were available, if not now then later. I now know we humans will never have all the answers. Knowing everything is God’s job and none of us are God. I’m okay with that, and it brings me peace.

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