Why Can Deconstruction Make You Feel Lonely?

Why Can Deconstruction Make You Feel Lonely?

If you are a part of a church community, and you start to question your beliefs, you will probably start to feel more and more isolated from everyone else.

You used to feel like a part of the group, that you belonged to the community. But now, because your mind is changing, you are starting to feel at odds with the herd mentality.

This is normal!

i feel so lonely cartoon by nakedpastor david hayward

(Click on the cartoon to get a digital download of it, or click HERE.)

We all know what it's like to feel lonely while in a crowd of people. Sometimes the only healthy action we can take is to separate ourselves from the group, find some solitude, and figure out how we want to move forward...

With the herd or independently.

“The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”

This is because you now realize that up to now you've had a codependent relationship with the group. In order to belong, you sacrificed your personal autonomy and agency. 

So you need to separate and maybe even divorce the group. You need to embrace a new kind of loneliness.

This always starts in your head and heart, then eventually leads to you actually doing it in real life.

But I want to promise you that on the other side of this separation and divorce, you will learn how to become a strong and independent person who chooses interdependent relationships and avoids codependent ones.

You will still feel loneliness. But you will see that your solitude has become a necessary ingredient in your ability to find, create, and be in healthy relationships.

Because spiritual independence is a new and dynamic way of being... in solitude and with others.

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1 comment

Hi! I just want to say thank you for your blog and posts. I used to work at a VERY large church until the COVID pandemic when I started to actually pay attention to what is going on around me. I have started my own journey of deconstruction. Seeing everything and everyone in a new light. Understanding what the Bible says vs what the Church does. Sometimes they get it right. Sometimes not especially when it comes to LGBTQ situations. As someone that is working through some of that today, it really helps to see someone else looking at this and questioning what the Church is doing. Sorry for the blog post length of a comment. Thanks for all you do.


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