Religious deconstruction is all about taking an honest look at the beliefs, doctrines, and practices you grew up with and breaking them down to see what still makes sense to you. Faith deconstruction is not as uncommon as you would think, although many suppress their changing beliefs or don’t voice them because they are scared of judgment or of losing faith-linked friends, family and community.
Why religious deconstruction can feel like death
Spiritual beliefs are a fundamental anchor to reality and our perception of the world. So when we shed them, it’s like death. And where there is death, there is grief and, eventually, rebirth.
I’ve been through countless ups and downs on my journey toward spiritual freedom and authenticity (you can read how it all started here). To try to help other people who are on this same path, I’ve adopted Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief and applied them to spiritual deconstruction.
Also, I have to tell you that the stages of religious deconstruction are not always linear. And each stage also has mini-stages within it. Life, people, thoughts, and growth are not always neat, tidy, and predictable (which is beautiful, actually).
1. Denial of our doubts
In the first stage of religious deconstruction, we try to ignore what is happening. We’ve been faithful believers, and now everything is crumbling.
It's like cancer—we can't believe it's real.
We may deny that our beliefs are changing, but they are. People often deny their changing beliefs because they don’t want to think about it; it's easier to avoid the discomfort.
There's also the fear of being judged by others, especially by family and friends who might not understand. Questions lead to more questions, and that uncertainty can be overwhelming.
Plus, many of us were taught that blind faith is the good kind, so admitting doubt feels like a betrayal of everything we've ever known.
2. Anger with ourselves and the church
In the second stage of religious deconstruction—anger—we find ourselves furious with the church or with God for not helping us.
We feel abandoned and let down by the very institutions and beliefs we once trusted. There's also anger directed inward, as we blame ourselves for not being "good" believers anymore.
We thought we were better than this, and backsliding wasn't part of the plan.
How could this happen?
This frustration stems from a sense of betrayal and confusion, leaving us questioning the very foundations of everything we’ve ever believed..Bargaining
We try to figure out another way to be a believer. We might promise God we’ll work harder at being a good Christian if God would just restore our faith.
We look for alternatives. Liberal? Agnostic? New Age?
We’ll figure out how to fix this!
3. Bargaining with God and trying to fix our faith
In the third stage of deconstruction—bargaining—we desperately try to find another way to hold onto our beliefs. We might promise God that we will work harder at being a good Christian if only our faith could be restored.
It’s a frantic attempt to regain some sense of control and certainty, as we think, "We’ll figure out how to fix this!" We might even try different versions of Christianity or church or other spiritualities to help us feel like we’re still okay.
This stage is filled with negotiations and compromises as we grapple with our guilt for being “a bad Christian” and the loss of our former beliefs.
4. Depression and mourning our loss
In the fourth stage of deconstruction—depression—things feel the darkest.
This is when we realize we can’t go back and we don’t want to go forward. We’re stuck in a desert of doubt and fear. We face the death of our beliefs and our spiritual life as we knew it. Is this life now?
Everything we enjoyed and found comfort in is gone, leaving us to gaze into a bleak future with no appealing options.
It's a time of profound sadness and loneliness, as we mourn the loss of our former faith and struggle to find meaning in what comes next.
Acceptance of our true beliefs
Acceptance is a welcome relief from the struggles of faith deconstruction. We accept our beliefs have changed and our faith is dying or transforming. It’s not giving in to fate, but neither is it necessarily joyful. Just a serene acceptance of what is. This is a transition into a new way of being. Each moment is treasured. It’s a tranquil and wise phase. You face your future with dignity, poise, and a sense of fullness.
Deconstruction is not bad. It’s growth into a deeper spirituality and a more beautiful way of living. It’s personal growth. It’s not easy but it is worth it in the end.
Going through Christian deconstruction and need some support?
It took me years to deconstruct. Like…DECADES. And in that process, I learned a lot. I believe that everyone deserves to deconstruct safely, without judgment, and with as much support as possible, which is why I've decided to share my deconstruction course for free on YouTube. You can watch all the videos now starting with this one.
You may also want to join my online community of people experiencing deconstruction too… www.thelastingsupper.com
