The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
The Art Of Finding Yourself After Leaving Your Religion
When your religion does not honor the work of art that you are or makes you believe that parts of yourself are ugly, it might be time to hit the road. Harsh but true. It’s not selfish, it’s survival. This is Timber "I Needed to Leave" and it's a watercolor about how leaving your religion is not easy. You have to knock down and take apart your entire foundation and support structure. This drawing, Sophia "Deconstruction" is about destroying and removing the things that are holding you back. You have to throw out what you don’t believe in, dust off and polish what you do believe in, and then rebuild it all over again (or just bask in the joy of being human without reconstructing). It makes perfect sense that you may feel a bit wobbly, shaken and stirred, during and after this process.When you leave your religion, it may feel like your whole structure has crumbled and your picture of the world has been erased. Resculpting your sense of self, redrawing reality, and rebuilding a life that you truly love is an art that takes time. But, be patient with yourself and know this: just like Sophia in the drawing above, you will emerge from this metamorphosis, stronger and more beautiful than ever.When you’re leaving your religion, it’s natural to feel isolated. It can be a lonesome journey. Some of your church friends may distance themselves from you, but your real friends (churchy or not) will be there for you, like lanterns on your path. Despite how alone you may feel in the darkness of unknowing, the moon will still shine and the sun will rise again. You may be tempted to stop or give in before you have answered your own questions, but you must keep moving and growing. And when you find the truth that you know in your bones to be true, you will feel the light inside. The same light that is between, amongst, and within - the light that conjoins all things. Your heart will shine and you will understand that you carry as much splendor as the night sky with all its stars. One day after leaving the church, you will finally experience true freedom. You will feel light. Freedom will raise you above the opinions and expectations of others and allow you to see the bigger picture. And what a picture! This last artwork is called Sophia "Rising" which is exactly what you'll do next. Up, up, up to the metaphorical moon you’ll go. So close that you will reflect light and be it at the same time. You will be restored to the work of art that you were created to be.
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It's Okay to Grieve When You Leave the Church
Don't let anyone rush your grief! You've left the church. That's heavy! Grieve it. Feel it to the full. Go ahead and deny that it hurts. Then bawl your eyes out once in a while. Get angry. Get frustrated. Think about going back then change your mind again. Get depressed. That's the best way to let it pass and finally find peace. Grieving is an important and necessary step after any kind of loss. You have to grieve when you lose your favorite pen. You have to grieve when you lose your loved one. Of course they are on a different scale, but grief is a part of the process of responding to loss. Is there an appropriate length of time for grief? I don't think so. But let's take me for an example. I lose my favorite pen. I can't find it. There's nothing I can seem to do to get it back. It's gone. Forever. My response has been anything from denial, bargaining, anger, depression, to hopefully and finally a sense of peace. After all, I can go back out and buy another one. Maybe that grieving response took‚ I don't know‚ 15 minutes. But what if I lose a loved one? The same stages of grief apply, but they will take longer. It will take a much longer time for me to eventually and hopefully reach the stage of peace. But this depends on a lot of factors too. How close was I to this loved one? Were we living together? For how long? How dependent was I on this person? How much did he mean to me? Were we estranged when we were separated? And so on. You might grieve for a year. Or maybe 10 years with the occasional reversions on anniversaries, etc. Who knows? Even when we lose something that wasn't a totally positive experience for us, and maybe even unhealthy, we can still grieve. Like losing a limb because of infection: it's unhealthy to keep it, but painful to lose it, followed by a period of difficult adjustment. We grieve when we leave the church. Even if we left volitionally or were forced to leave‚ whatever the circumstances‚ we must allow ourselves time to grieve. If you just went one month to church just to observe and left, your grieving might not take as long. But what if you went to church for 50 years and were deeply involved in its life and then were asked to leave or you felt you simply could no longer stay? How long should grieving take then? A week? A month? A year? Five years? A life time? I would suggest having someone to talk to so that you can walk through it in a healthy manner, whatever that is. It is possible to get stuck in grief, bogged down in anger, stalled in depression, broken down in sorrow. Having someone to talk to may jumpstart you to make your grief manageable and help you progress towards a joyful life. But don't let anyone tell you how long you have to grieve. Take as long as you want. I remember just a few months after a devastating church split, some people who were strong supporters finally left the church because I wasn't healing fast enough. But I couldn't speed it up. And you might know me well enough by now that I just couldn't and wouldn't fake it. I was grieving. It took me a long time to get over that. I left the church in 2010 under strained conditions. I grieved that for years. I still experience grief once in a while. But no one's rushing me now. And I don't judge myself for it. I talked regularly with someone. I still do when I need it. I'm better now. And I did it at my own pace. I'm fine. Happiness finally came. You can do it too. Don't rush the grief. Let it come. Feel it to the full. This is the best way to let it pass. And it will. Eventually. And you will be happy again.
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Take Your Time To Process Your Pain From Church Hurt
For some people, when they leave the church, it's no big deal.But for others it is. I can speak to this from my own experience. I invested everything into the church. It was my family. I was deeply connected, deeply involved, deeply committed, and deeply in love. Then the day came when I realized I could no longer be true to myself and stay. The pressure to leave was undeniable. Even though I initiated the step to leave, it felt like a rejection. No one said go. But the signals were all there that I was no longer welcomed, especially if I were to continue down the path I was walking. Even though this happened years ago, in 2010, once in a while the pain still surfaces. My theory is that we process pain at the level we can cope with. Then it goes on hold for a while until we are capable of dealing with the pain at deeper levels. Like layers of an onion... with tears included. The other day I had a dream that made it very clear to me that I have yet another layer of pain to process. It's hard and sad work, but I know it's necessary if I want to reach higher levels of happiness. I bet you know what I'm talking about.I drew this cartoon about church hurt to remind you that healing can take time and that's okay.
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3 Lies Your Ex (Church) Might Want You to Believe
I'm not talking about your romantic or marital ex. I'm talking about your ex-church.I'm talking about leaving the church. And I'm talking about its response to you leaving. (Click on the image for a digital download of it, or click HERE.) Now, before I begin, I want to clarify a couple of things: These can apply even in existing relationships (your partner or church now). These are not all the lies, but a few of them (there are lots of lies available). Not all ex's are like this, but enough are (enough to warrant making this list). This Is All Your Fault This is a lie your ex would like you to believe. Your falling out of love with each other and separating is all your fault! You have problems. You've got issues. You need help. This shouldn't have happened. But you made it happen. I'm totally fine, but you're definitely not. You wrecked this, and now you're going to suffer for it. One of the issues I've been thinking a lot about lately is victimhood. I think many churches nurture a victim mentality in their members. In fact, as a pastor I harbored a victim mentality because I thought it was biblical and Christ-like. So I taught it! The suffering servant idea was deeply embedded into my psyche to the point where I think it became a part of my cellular makeup. The church attracts victims and nourishes a victim mentality. Please don't get me wrong‚ there are lots of real victims. There are so many spiritual abuse and religious trauma cases that it's become a recognized field in psychotherapy. I have been a victim and so have many of you have too. But I'm talking about a victim mentality that needs and welcomes being a victim. It's taken me years to break free of this unhealthy and unnecessary mentality. It's taken me years to escape the manipulation and coercion and shame. In fact, I'm still in progress. I'm going to mention an awesome book. The most powerful autobiography I've ever read or ever will read, Life and Death in Shanghai, by Nien Cheng. She was imprisoned in China for 6 years during the Cultural Revolution. If anyone was a victim, she was. If anyone didn't have a victim mentality, she didn't. You must read it. You will get a kick out of her feistiness that alarmed the prison guards. It was reading this book years ago that alerted me to the fact that I had a victim mentality and didn't have to. It's making more sense even now. So, no, you are not to blame! And if you are, so what? Who cares? If you broke up with your church, maybe it was because you did it as a bold act of self-care! Finally! This is good. But I just want to encourage you that you are the captain of your life. You are the master of your destiny. Whether it is your fault or not, this is not the point. The point is: are you taking steps to take care of yourself? That's the point. No other. Something I've been telling myself lately: Live your life. Don't let it live you. You Can't Live Without The Church Another version of this is, "You need me!" The truth is you don't. Unhealthy relationships are often based on codependence, which is basically a fixation on meeting the needs of the other person for your own sense of self-worth. Unhealthy relationships might sound really romantic and loving when they say, "I can't live without you!" But in truth this is not healthy. It is a lie. Lisa and I had to come to the painful but liberating realization of this in our relationship. The truth is she can live without me. The truth is I can live without her. But we choose not to. It is not an unhealthy drive out of a desperate neediness to be loved. It is a choice. We choose to want each other and to make life meaningful with each other. I suppose I could even say we choose to need each other. But that's different that neediness. Understanding this has actually made our relationship richer and more meaningful. It puts the power in our own hands rather than in the fickle arms of romance or passion. Many churches teach that you cannot live without it. They actually nurture codependency in their people. They can be very possessive. The old maxim, "No salvation outside the church!" is beaten into our brains to the point where we believe it. We are convinced we absolutely need the church and will perish without it. We are terrified of life without the church. This sounds like a lot of ex's, doesn't it? But it's not true. It is a lie. But like leaving a bad relationship, sometimes it takes years to realize you are even better without it. You are healthier, happier, and more alive than ever before. And if you are still in a church, your relationship with it will be healthier if you realize that you don't need it, but choose to be in relationship with it. I hope your church feels the same way. That would be a happy relationship. You Will Never Be Loved Again In other words, your ex would like you to believe that he or she is the one and only person who can satisfy your wants and needs. They want you to believe in the magical idea that you were made for each other, that you are soul mates, and that no one else in the entire world can give you the love you need. Now, I have to admit, the idea of soul mate and made for each other and destiny all sound very appealing to me. Lisa and I fell in love as teenagers and have been together ever since. It sometimes feels like magic. But I'm not sure this is true. Lisa and I have talked about this a lot‚ like when we consider what she would do if I should die before her, and vice-versa. I say I would never find another love like her. She says the same about me. But we both know, deep down, that we are clinging to an idea that may not be true. We agree that it is entirely possible that we could fall in love again. It wouldn't be the same. It would be different. But it would still be love. It would still be meaningful. It's the same with many churches. They can be very jealous. Many churches like to believe and insist that they are the only ones, special, and that all others are superficial, fake, impostors, and mismatched. After many years in the church I just came to realize that this wasn't true. It was a lie. I wanted to be a Christian, a church-goer and even a pastor because I chose to be. I chose this and its entire package above all others. To me, this was more honest and healthy. Now, I realize that it is possible to love others and be loved by others outside of the church in different but just as meaningful ways. So you're breaking up with your church.Or your church is breaking up with you.Or it's already done. Don't believe the lies it may try to tell you... that it's all your fault and you've made a huge mistake; that you can't live a full, meaningful, and happy life without it; or that you will never be loved or love again. I know for a fact, from my own experience, that these are all lies. They are not true.
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