The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Why Can Deconstruction Make You Feel Lonely?
Why Can Deconstruction Make You Feel Lonely? If you are a part of a church community, and you start to question your beliefs, you will probably start to feel more and more isolated from everyone else. You used to feel like a part of the group, that you belonged to the community. But now, because your mind is changing, you are starting to feel at odds with the herd mentality. This is normal! We all know what it's like to feel lonely while in a crowd of people. Sometimes the only healthy action we can take is to separate ourselves from the group, find some solitude, and figure out how we want to move forward... With the herd or independently. “The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” This is because you now realize that up to now you've had a codependent relationship with the group. In order to belong, you sacrificed your personal autonomy and agency. So you need to separate and maybe even divorce the group. You need to embrace a new kind of loneliness. This always starts in your head and heart, then eventually leads to you actually doing it in real life. But I want to promise you that on the other side of this separation and divorce, you will learn how to become a strong and independent person who chooses interdependent relationships and avoids codependent ones. You will still feel loneliness. But you will see that your solitude has become a necessary ingredient in your ability to find, create, and be in healthy relationships. Because spiritual independence is a new and dynamic way of being... in solitude and with others.
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The Church and Loneliness
THE CHURCH AND LONELINESS: Martin Luther King Jr. said that 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning was the most segregated hour of the week. It's also the loneliest. How is it possible to be in a crowded room and feel so lonely? The very reason I decided to go to church again was so that I could meet people. I don't just mean to get introduced but to actually meet them and get to know them and even form friendships. I've been attending here for years and it still hasn't happened yet. So why do I keep doing it? It's like playing the lottery. I've bought hundreds of tickets and maybe won a hundred bucks total. But I keep buying the stupid things. Maybe that's what's going on here. I keep betting that maybe one day I'll cash in and make friends. No such luck. This church just isn't interested in community. It says it is (because they know that's what people want) but it's not. (CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A DIGITAL DOWNLOAD OF IT) It's too bad because I think fellowship is its greatest asset. I suspect that's why most people come. If you asked everybody here why they come and they were honest I bet they would say it's for the fellowship. Instead, it focuses on beliefs and behaviors. I'm positive almost everybody here is here for the fellowship rather than to be told how to think and act. But there really isn't any real fellowship. Just being next to each other doesn't cut it. If you've been in a bad marriage you'd know that you could sleep in the same bed but be complete strangers. Same here. We sit in the same row and are miles apart. We might smile to each other, say hi, shake hands, talk small talk over a coffee in the lobby, share communion. But it all makes me feel even more lonely. I just want to connect. That's all. I just want to love and be loved. Is that too much to ask? I just want to be heard, understood, and accepted. I just want warmth in my life. And here they have every opportunity for that to happen and they squander it every single time. You might ask me why I don't take the initiative and try to form friendships myself instead of depending on the institution to do it for me. I'll tell you why. They keep us so focused and busy that we don't have time for it! It's true! Community's just not a part of this culture. Being collected is. I bet even the pastor is lonely but it's so built into the system he's just as trapped as we are. Maybe the reason why we all just keep coming is because it's a promise, since, as painful as it is, being with people is the next best thing to being loved by them. Do you know what I mean?
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