The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Is Your Relatonship to the Church Like a Relationship to a Narcissist?
While I was recently reading a book on narcissism because I realized someone in my life was probably one, it suddenly dawned on me that what I was reading reminded me of my relationship with the church. Now, for a disclaimer, I will admit this does not apply to all individual churches. However, I do believe the system of the church is prone to narcissism, and that it takes Herculean effort to prevent the church from being and acting narcissistic, along with its leaders. Yes, I do believe the gravitational pull of all systems is towards supreme concern for itself over all other concerns. In a sense, it must be. The post office might claim that its number one job is delivering mail. But really, its number one job is to stay in business so that it can continue to deliver mail and make money. Like our brains. We might like to believe that our number one mission in life is to love others or whatever. But our brain’s number one task is to protect the organism first. Until we realize this, we will continue to live under the illusion that we are selfless, when in fact we may not be at all. The church is no different than any other institution or system in this way. The church might claim its number one job is to evangelize the world or serve the poor or preach the gospel or guide people in their spiritual journeys or worship Jesus. But primarily, its number one job is to stay alive. To stay in business. Therefore, like all institutions and, dare I say entities, its number one task is to protect itself. What we learn from the story of the Garden of Eden is that humanity was given dominion over creation. That includes such creations as institutions, including the church. The problem is, roles have switched, and we now are slaves of institutions. The church has dominion over us! One thing I learned about narcissists is that, generally, they don’t change. What has to change, therefore, is our relationship and interaction with them. They will constantly and perpetually try to dominate us. When we don’t challenge that, but are complicit, everything’s fine. But as soon as we challenge their domination, everything explodes. That’s when the weapons of control and destruction come out. This was my experience with the church. As well as for so many others. Things were fine as long as we went along with the life it offered us, including its persuasion, manipulativeness, coercion, control, and even spiritual abuse. It’s when it started dawning on us that we were in a toxic relationship with a narcissist and tried to change the nature of our relationship to the church that everything intensified to the point where we had to leave. This has been my experience. Has it been yours too?
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Do you have a narcissist in your life that you are forced to deal with?
I just finished an excellent book on narcissism by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. It was an urgent read for me because I finally realized that one of my so-called close relationships was probably with a narcissist. Reading this book confirmed it for me. He’s definitely a narcissist. So I wrote a letter to my email subscribers, and I thought I would share it with you now. (Hey... while we're here, sign up for my weekly newsletter!) Here it is: Do you have a narcissist in your life that you are forced to deal with? Suddenly, I do. I mean, I’ve had narcissists in my life many times. Many of them were pastors or abusive spiritual leaders. I learned how to distance myself from them. That was always very painful because they make you pay for that. They say terrible things about you, and they will do terrible things to you to make your life miserable. I’ve experienced that many times. But it wasn’t terribly sad because they didn’t mean that much to me. It hurt. Yes. But I wasn’t sad that they weren’t in my life anymore. I was happy they were gone! Now, though, I have someone in my birth family who is causing “antagonistic relational stress” on a level I’ve never experienced before. It’s mind-blowing. I mean… What do you do if they are in your family, or if they are in your church, or if they are your boss? It’s not that easy to just walk away. Is it? (Get a print of "The Need to Leave" by clicking on the image, or HERE.) I’m experiencing a lot of emotions. Exhaustion. Confusion. Anger. Concern. And sadness. Because I’m going to have to sever all ties to them. It’s interesting how spirituality and deconstruction play into all this. Not all that long ago, I would have felt that it was wrong to sever ties with a family member. Or really anybody. That turn-the-other-cheek theology runs deep so that we feel we need to suffer long… long-suffering… believing that they will change one day. This person’s been bullying me for a couple of years now. But their level of antagonism has reached a feverish pitch and it’s time to cut ties. I used to hope they would see the error of their ways, feel bad about it, and change. But, as Durvasula claims, narcissists don’t change. It’s time to cut ties. I hope there’s peace and quiet on the other side of this. But I have to do what I can to ensure that this is so. Are you dealing with a narcissist right now? Or have you in the past?
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Understanding Narcissistic Pastors and the Trap of Pastor Worship (Spiritual Abuse)
As if narcissists can ever be truly understood! But we must try in order to protect ourselves from them. Because narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse. The truth is that the ministry is a massive magnet for narcissists. It offers the perfect environment for someone who craves attention, authority, and unquestioned devotion. If you’ve ever felt like your soul was being crushed by a leader you were told to "adore," you aren't crazy, and you aren't alone. Let’s look at why narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse and how the dangerous culture of "pastor worship" keeps their systems running. What is a Narcissistic Pastor? First, let's be clear: not every pastor is a narcissist. But many of us have served under ones who definitely were. At its core, narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that a person ignores or devalues the needs of everyone around them. In a church setting, this manifests as a leader who behaves as though they possess the "divine right of kings." To them, they aren't just a leader; they are God's mouthpiece. This makes the members of the church their subjects rather than their community. I’ve seen it firsthand: these leaders believe they are uniquely empowered by God to treat people however they wish—and they will use "theology" to justify the damage they do. The Tactics: Using God for Their Purposes The endgame of any narcissistic leader is control. To get it, they use the most powerful tool in their arsenal: your faith. Like, this cartoon is not all that outlandish. Believe me! (Click on the image for a digital download or click HERE.) When a pastor uses "divine authority" to demand compliance, it is a form of spiritual gaslighting. They employ ideas that stress: The "untouchability" of God’s anointed. The unchallengeable nature of spiritual leadership. The idea that questioning the pastor is equivalent to questioning God. If you are told you must "trust the man of God" regardless of your own intuition or boundaries, you are in a high-demand control system. In any other context, we’d call it a cult. In the church, we often just call it "good leadership." The Danger of Pastor Worship Abuse in the church isn't always loud or obvious. It doesn't always look like screaming or scandal. Sometimes, the subtlest form of spiritual abuse is pastor worship. (Description: People are bowing at the feet of a proud pastor and one says, "Dear Pastor, we know you would never hurt us!") Have you ever been in a church where the pastor is absolutely adored? I’ve seen pastors carefully cultivate this adoration. They want the people to love them so much that the congregants would never dream of disappointing them. This creates a "cult of personality" where: Trust is total. You stop checking the fruit and start blindly following the vision. Disappointment is feared. You find yourself performing to stay in the leader's "good graces." Community is the bait. We all want to belong. Narcissistic leaders know this and position themselves as the gatekeepers of that community. (Click on the cartoon for a digital download of it!) The Toxic Blend: Why Good People Stay I want to defend something here: you are not gullible or stupid. I’m an intelligent person, and many people I know who’ve been trapped in these systems are also intelligent, well-adjusted people. We don't get stuck because we are weak; we get stuck because we want community. What happens is a toxic blend of systemic evil: A Narcissistic Leader (who wants to be the center). Good People (who want to belong). A Beautiful Idea (like "community" or "the mission"). When these three meet, people begin to lose themselves for the sake of the group. The leader becomes the "locus of fulfillment," and before you know it, the system exists only to serve the leader's ego. Don't Let Them Take Your Soul Narcissistic pastors will crush you if you let them. They will take your time, your money, and eventually, your very sense of self all while claiming it’s for "God’s glory." If you recognize these signs, the demand for adoration, the "divine right" to control, or the feeling that you are a subject rather than a member, listen to your gut. You do not owe your soul to a leader. You do not owe your life to a toxic system. Freedom begins when you realize that you don't need a middleman to get to God, and you certainly don't need to worship a man to find community. Protect your soul. Get out if you have to. You are worth it. Related Blog Posts 10 Signs That The Church Is NarcissisticWhat is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?
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