The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Is Your Relatonship to the Church Like a Relationship to a Narcissist?
While I was recently reading a book on narcissism because I realized someone in my life was probably one, it suddenly dawned on me that what I was reading reminded me of my relationship with the church. Now, for a disclaimer, I will admit this does not apply to all individual churches. However, I do believe the system of the church is prone to narcissism, and that it takes Herculean effort to prevent the church from being and acting narcissistic, along with its leaders. Yes, I do believe the gravitational pull of all systems is towards supreme concern for itself over all other concerns. In a sense, it must be. The post office might claim that its number one job is delivering mail. But really, its number one job is to stay in business so that it can continue to deliver mail and make money. Like our brains. We might like to believe that our number one mission in life is to love others or whatever. But our brain’s number one task is to protect the organism first. Until we realize this, we will continue to live under the illusion that we are selfless, when in fact we may not be at all. The church is no different than any other institution or system in this way. The church might claim its number one job is to evangelize the world or serve the poor or preach the gospel or guide people in their spiritual journeys or worship Jesus. But primarily, its number one job is to stay alive. To stay in business. Therefore, like all institutions and, dare I say entities, its number one task is to protect itself. What we learn from the story of the Garden of Eden is that humanity was given dominion over creation. That includes such creations as institutions, including the church. The problem is, roles have switched, and we now are slaves of institutions. The church has dominion over us! One thing I learned about narcissists is that, generally, they don’t change. What has to change, therefore, is our relationship and interaction with them. They will constantly and perpetually try to dominate us. When we don’t challenge that, but are complicit, everything’s fine. But as soon as we challenge their domination, everything explodes. That’s when the weapons of control and destruction come out. This was my experience with the church. As well as for so many others. Things were fine as long as we went along with the life it offered us, including its persuasion, manipulativeness, coercion, control, and even spiritual abuse. It’s when it started dawning on us that we were in a toxic relationship with a narcissist and tried to change the nature of our relationship to the church that everything intensified to the point where we had to leave. This has been my experience. Has it been yours too?
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5 Ways Religious Trauma Can Affect Your Sexuality (and how to heal)
Many people who attended church for a long time suffer from Religious Trauma. It’s becoming more visible to more and more people as more of us are talking more openly about it. Religious Trauma is often wound up with Purity Culture, which can have a disastrous affect on our attitudes about sex. People who are survivors of Religious Trauma and Purity Culture often struggle to acquire healthy attitudes about sex and feel comfortable with their sex lives. Add to that... if a person suffers these things plus spiritual abuse, there's a lot of healing that needs to happen because these all affect their lives at a deep and fundamental level, including sexually. Here's a couple stuck in a religious mindset caused by Religious Trauma. (Click on this image for a digital download, or click HERE!) 5 Ways Religious Trauma Can Affect Your Sexuality Religious Trauma makes us feel guilty for enjoying our bodies. Christianity, like many religions, castes our bodies and the flesh in a bad light. I was taught that my body was my enemy and something I always had to deny and beat into submission. I had to crucify it daily. The affect this had on my attitudes about sex was that I felt guilt any time I was enjoying my body or being in my body. For some people it’s even worse: they can never have any pleasure because it’s blatantly sinful, goes against scripture, and displeases God. Religious Trauma makes us feel like we’ve got our priorities wrong. For those of us who grew up in intense religious environments, the goal was to always be thinking about God and spiritual matters. Our minds had to be first and foremost stayed upon God, and to allow anything else to creep in was to allow something else to dethrone God from our minds and lives. We could never, to use an analogy, take a vacation and just enjoy ourselves because we were to be “on” 24/7. Even in our sleep, we had to pray for protection so that we wouldn’t stray from this strict path. As a result, when some people are enjoying sex, there can be a deep sense of putting something ahead of God that may anger him, or at least disappoint him. Religious Trauma makes us feel insecure about being confident about our sexuality. Religious Trauma teaches us not to trust our bodies. This is deadly for good sex. One of the most important things for a good sexual relationship is confidence. For sex to be fulfilling for each partner, each one must feel confident in their bodies and have some confidence in knowing or discovering what is pleasurable for their partner. Insecurity and a lack of confidence can kill passion and eliminate a feeling of joy and fulfillment. Religious Trauma makes us second guess enjoying our bodies as not spiritual enough. Religion dichotomizes the world. There’s good and evil, invisible and visible, light and dark, spirit and flesh. And these are always at war with one another. As a result, for many people coming out of a strict religion, when we are making love with someone we love, there is confusion about what’s happening. If their minds are on their body and their loved one’s body and the love and passion taking place, it can feel less than spiritual and therefore, somehow, even sinful, secular, fleshly, or worldly. We can heal ourselves from Religious Trauma. We can educate ourselves by giving ourselves therapy and going to get therapy. We can come to a place where we understand that our bodies aren’t evil, aren’t our enemies, aren’t less than spirit, and not unimportant. When we realize our bodies are good and to be dignified and enjoyed, we are on our way to healing and healthy attitudes about sex and on to enjoying healthy sex lives.
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What You Can Expect When You Speak Up Against Spiritual Abuse
I get it every day that I'm negative and must have a root of bitterness. This is just a feeble attempt to shut me up. It's not true. I mean, I am negative against spiritual and church abuse. And there have been times I've been bitter. But I'm not bitter right now. I am vocal. And I will continue to be as long as churches and their authorities continue to abuse their members. I rejoice that there are some communities that are really attempting to gather together in healthy ways. So I just want to encourage you to do what this woman in the cartoon is doing. (Click on image for a digital download, or click HERE!) Stand up! Speak up! Your self-care will inspire others to do the same thing. Resources on Spiritual Abuse Here are a list of other blog posts I've written on Spiritual Abuse. 10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse 5 Steps to Recover from Spiritual Abuse 10 Questions You Can Ask A Church To See If It's Spiritually Abusive What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?
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What Is Spiritual Bypassing? (And How To Heal From It)
What Is Spiritual Bypassing? Spiritual bypassing was coined by John Welwood to describe a process he saw happening in the Buddhist community he was in. So, yes, spiritual bypassing happens in all kinds of spiritual contexts not just religious ones or Christian ones. It is now a commonly used term that describes attempts to use spirituality and spiritual practices to avoid facing and dealing with unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths. Although spiritual bypassing can be tempting it's important to know it doesn't work. Over the years many experts have added to the conversation on spiritual bypassing. Psychologist Ingrid Clayton highlights that spiritual bypassing is like a sneaky way our minds protect us. She explains, "It's a bit like putting up a barrier to avoid facing reality, shutting off our emotions, and avoiding the bigger picture. It's more about escaping than facing things head-on, and the difference is so small that we usually don't even realize we're doing it." It's important to note that spiritual bypassing is not limited to any particular community; rather, it can manifest wherever there's an emphasis on spiritual advancement without addressing the complexities of human experience. Examples Of Spiritual Bypassing I’m Not Lonely. I Have Jesus. Pray Your Depression Away Everything Happens For A Reason I'm Just Being in the Present Moment I'm Focusing on the Light, Ignoring the Darkness Why Spiritual Bypassing Is So Tempting Spiritual Bypassing is tempting because it seems like an easy way to escape from pain. But bypassing your emotions will never work. Experiencing our emotions and vulnerability is a fundamental part of our human experience. Using spiritual bypassing is just a way of kicking the can down the road. How To Heal From Spiritual Bypassing Recovering from spiritual bypassing can vary greatly from person to person, depending on the specific kind of spiritual bypassing they went through and how deeply it affected them. For those in religious groups who have suffered years of spiritual abuse., they might find themselves struggling to heal from religious trauma. The work of overcoming this takes time and will look different than those who experienced spiritual bypassing in yoga and mindfulness circles or toxic self-help movements. Every flavour deserves focused attention to heal.Here are a 3 ways to heal and confront your experience with spiritual bypassing regardless of the community you've experienced it in. Admit That You Have Suffered From Spiritual Bypassing. Just as with healing from spiritual abuse, admitting that it happened is the first step to recovery. Don’t deny or minimize or dismiss it. You must acknowledge that it happened and the effect it had on you. Avoid labeling emotions as good or bad. Understand that emotions arise naturally and aren't inherently labeled as positive or negative. Permit yourself to experience them without passing judgment, acknowledging that every emotion holds important insights into your inner condition. Be Kind To Yourself. When faced with an undesired feeling, your initial reaction might be self-criticism or avoidance. However, neither approach is effective. Instead, try to offer kindness to yourself for experiencing this emotion. Understand that it likely has a purpose. That purpose is for your healing and wholeness. Start A Journal. Socrates said it well in saying, "The unexamined life is not worth living". Journaling is a great tool for self-Awareness. In journaling you will learn that you are a very complex person, deep and wise in your way, and even more compassionate because you are aware… aware of your surroundings and yourself. (Me writing in my journal.) Related Resources on Healing Why Is It Important To Be Vulnerable?The Power of Vulnerability for Healing Religious TraumaHealing From Religious TraumaInner Child Healing After Deconstruction
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3 Types Of Spiritual Bypassing
What Is Spiritual Bypassing? Spiritual Bypassing describes attempts to use spirituality and spiritual practices to avoid facing and dealing with unpleasant emotions, experiences, and realities in order to feel good and avoid discomfort and painful truths. 3 Types Of Spiritual Bypassing Spiritual Bypassing As A Way To Avoid Personal Responsibility People often use the Bible and their beliefs to hurt you and inflict spiritual abuse on you. They don't think they're being cruel. They think they're being righteous. They think they must somehow make you a better person. Some people may intentionally want to hurt you, so they find a holy excuse to do so.Have you experienced this? This is a form of spiritual bypassing. This cartoon is titled, It's Not Me It's God's Word, and is available as a digital download. Spiritual Bypassing As A Way To Avoid Taking Action You've heard the expression "Thoughts and prayers!" Thoughts and prayers diverts our attention away from the inaction of those who use it. They might mean well, but for many of us it's a signal that they're not going to actually do anything. It diverts our attention away from their lack of actionable concern. And sometimes it's a way to divert our attention away from their greed for more money and power. This cartoon is titled, Meaningless Thoughts and Prayers, and is available as a digital download. Spiritual Bypassing As A Way To Avoid Our Own Negative Emotions Spiritual bypassing often manifests itself as a defence mechanism instead of facing difficult feelings like pain, anger, or sadness in an honest way. Some people pretend to be positive and distant, using spiritual ideas to hide from these uncomfortable feelings. But this only gives a temporary feeling of relief and stops real emotional growth and self-understanding. Some call this "toxic positivity". Examples of this would be "Good Vibes Only" or "God Is Always Good". Once you’ve seen the signs of spiritual abuse and spiritual bypassing and recognize it, that’s actually the first step of your journey into healing and freedom. These are just 3 examples of spiritual bypassing but there are so many more. Feel free to leave other examples of spiritual bypassing in the comments below.
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Can You Be Spiritual Abused In A Marriage?
Before we address what spiritual abuse in a marriage is we must first unpack the definition of spiritual abuse itself. What Is Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse is when spiritual leaders abuse their power and spiritual ideas to create a toxic culture of shame and control to fulfill their own desires. Just like physical abuse uses physical means, or financial abuse uses financial means, or sexual abuse uses sexual means, etcetera, to achieve their ends, spiritual abuse uses spiritual means to achieve its ends... like positions of church power, the Bible, theological ideas such as the threat of excommunication or shunning or Hell, it uses these to terrify people into submission. It is both of these: abuse of power AND the self-serving use of spiritual ideas. Both of these are fueled by theology or dogma. I think this cartoon, Spiritual Abuse in a Picture, sums it up very well. What Is Spiritual Abuse In A Marriage? Spiritual abuse occurs in a marriage when one partner manipulates or controls the other by using their spirituality. Can You Be Spiritual Abused In A Marriage? So let's talk about spiritual abuse inside a marriage. Is it possible. Yes it is. Spiritual abuse can occur in any type of relationship, including a marital relationship. It is possible in a marriage, as in any relationship, due to a combination of factors related to power dynamics, manipulation, belief systems, and control. 5 Examples of Spiritual Abuse in Marriage and Relationships Examples of spiritual abuse in marriage and relationships can vary widely, but they all involve the misuse of religious or spiritual beliefs to control, manipulate, or harm the other person. Here are some specific examples: 1. Forced Religious Conversion This is when one partner pressures or coerces the other into converting to a different religion or spiritual belief system, disregarding their own beliefs and autonomy. They might say, "I can't marry you (or stay married to you) if you don't convert to my religion!" This person is uncomfortable with diversity in beliefs, and is requiring their partner to conform to their belief system with the threat of separation if they don't. 2. Manipulation Through Fear Using spiritual teachings to instil fear and control in the other person, making them believe that certain actions will lead to divine punishment or negative spiritual consequences. I knew a couple where the woman kept making her husband believe he must be demon-possessed when he made her unhappy or frustrated her in any way. She was using the fear of demons to control his behaviour and make him submit to her demands. 3. Isolation and Separation Demanding that the other person cut ties with friends, family members, or social circles that don't share the same spiritual beliefs, isolating them from sources of support and community. I've seen this a lot in some church communities I have observed or even be a part of. When one partner realizes that their partner's relationships outside of their marriage might have what they think is a negative influence on them, they will try to cut them off from those relationships to ensure that their partner stays on the straight and narrow of their expectations. We see this happen a lot in cults. 4. Control Over Spiritual Practices Dictating how the other person should pray, meditate, or engage in spiritual practices, and punishing them if they don't adhere to the abuser's prescribed rituals. Some people have very rigid ideas of what their religion should look like, and that everyone must do it the same way. If they bring this attitude into a marriage, it's going to cause tension, friction, and division, because it requires conformity over personal authenticity and uniqueness. If one partner feels they always have to sacrifice their own ideas and practices to prevent their partner from getting upset, this will make for a toxic marital relationship. 5. Emotional Blackmail Leveraging spiritual beliefs to emotionally manipulate the other person, using guilt, shame, or spiritual teachings to force compliance with the abuser's demands or desires. If a partner is constantly using the bible and theology to shame and guilt their partner into submission to their expectations, this will quickly lead to resentment and a shallow relationship that often won't last long.It's important to recognize these signs and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing spiritual abuse. The Impact Of Spiritual Abuse In A Marriage The impact of spiritual abuse in a marriage can be as severe as any kind of spiritual abuse leading to religious trauma that has a profound and far-reaching effect on a person's well-being. We see this happen a lot in marriages concerning the issue of sex. The patriarchal culture of Christianity which demands that women submit to their husbands sexually, is particularly damaging. I've seen Christian husbands over and over again force their wives to have sex because the bible teaches that their wives' bodies belong to them and not their wives. Many women have equated this with marital rape, and they're not wrong. It’s so hard to identify or find validation that spiritual abuse has occurred or is occurring. We make excuses, we see issues swept under the rug, we experience our stories of abuse being invalidated again and again. Admitting that you that you were or are abused is an important first step in healing from spiritual abuse.
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The Journey of Leaving Church Or A Cult
The Journey of Leaving Church Or A Cult This is my "Souls Back" cartoon. How many of us sacrificed our own souls to belong to a toxic community? (Click on image for a digital download of it.) Lots of people are leaving the church. For most, it's no big deal. But for some, it's huge. It's traumatic. It's life-changing. What's the difference? For some, church was an activity. For others, church was their life. For some, church was just a meeting. For others, church was like a cult. Even though I wasn't in a cult, I feel like I was. Do you know what I mean? Most of us know the signs of a cult. Here are 9. 9 Signs Of A Cult one charismatic leader overpowering herd mentality use of guilt and shame to compel conformity insists that this community is the right or best one claims special knowledge independent thought is discouraged elevates the community and its leader above friends and family demands lots of time and money to reach the next goal leaving is not an option So, even though I could say that all those signs could apply to some degree in my Christian journey, I still say I was never a part of a cult. But is that really true? Because if all the signs are there, then why wasn't it a cult? Look at the advice given on how to leave a cult, and it only makes me question even more. 9 Steps For Leaving a Cult Recognize that you're in an abusive religious group List the reasons why you want to leave the group Plan your escape Have a place to stay in advance Leave Be prepared for fierce judgement and attempts to retrieve you Remain strong in your convictions Seek support from other people Continue journeying Well, these also apply to my life! What does this mean? If the signs that I was in a cult and the ways to leave a cult both apply, then was I in a cult or not? I still don't think so. For me, it simply means admitting that the kind of churches I found myself in embraced¬†cult-like values. I've come to the conclusion that my desire and willingness to serve and be a part of a community found a perfect home in the kind of churches I gravitated to. I did it because I wanted a strong mentor and a vital community. The price was surrendering my spiritual independence. Now, I claim that any religion, any group, any relationship, any job‚ anything‚ can possess cult-like qualities. Remember the movie, "The Firm"? That law firm clearly had cult-like qualities, and she began getting clues that it was when she was told, "The Firm encourages children", even exercising dominion over her reproductive rights. For some of you it understandably takes a long time to get over changing your beliefs, leaving the church, or even rejecting your inherited beliefs. You're finding it more difficult than you imagined it would be. It's taking longer than you thought it would. You are feeling afraid of the unpredictable and unpleasant emotions you're feeling as you try to move on. Believe me, I get it! Now maybe we know why: leaving a cult or cult-like communities and relationships can take a long time to process. But you're doing it! Be patient with yourself. One day you will not only know you are free, but you will feel free too!
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Why Your Wounds Are Yours to Share
Your wounds are yours. It doesn't matter who inflicted them, who gave them to you. They're now yours. I got some abusive emails from a pastor. I shared them with my support. He found out I shared them. He was offended that I would share his emails with people. He abused me. I showed my wounds. He felt I had no right to share what he believed wasn't mine, but his! It's like shooting someone with an arrow and coming to ask for it back. No way! It's mine now. Anne Lamott has said:" You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Your wounds are yours. Don't be afraid of embarrassing your aggressor or abuser. They threw the ball, lobbed the missile, shot the arrow, into your body! Now it's yours. When a church and its leadership abuses you, they have given you something that is now totally yours. Share your story. It's still shocking to me when I see all the maneuvers to silence people from sharing their experiences and showing their wounds. All kinds of reasons are given like; It's embarrassing It's not helpful It will compromise the cause It's not glorifying to Christ It maligns the Church There's no corroboration It's too ugly and inappropriate It's risky for you to do so; etcetera. I do understand that sometimes it's not safe to share your wounds. I emphasize: always make sure you are safe first. Vulnerability Is Key To The Healing Journey Vulnerability can feel like exposing yourself to more harm, especially after trauma, but vulnerability is an essential step towards healing. When you share your story, you reclaim your power and begin to break down the walls that trauma has built around you. The wounds might be yours, but embracing vulnerability allows you to transform them into a source of strength. Remember, healing starts with owning your truth, even when it's hard.
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Why It's Important To Heal From Spiritual Abuse
I care about the victims of abuse. Especially church and spiritual abuse. This is what I do. Too often I see people treat such victims with bandages rather than with the serious interior work that's required. Even after the victim is removed from the abusive situation.Even after the victim is recompensed for his or her pain and suffering.Even after the perpetrator is punished.Even after the victim is advised about new skills to move on.Even after the trauma is over and done and history. The victim must be given the opportunity and any available resources to heal the damage, the wounds, the trauma, the hurt, the pain, that is within. This is my "Still Not Healed" cartoon. They must be given voice. They must be heard. They must be understood. They must be believed. They must be supported and encouraged and empowered in every possible way so that they can assume their free, independent, and sovereign authority over their own lives and resume their lives in healthy ways. I look forward to the day when churches stop using the bandage effect to cover up the symptoms of abuse and begin to deal with the real problem, and that's their propensity for abuse. Bandages don't cure. They just cover. Churches need to be healed within. And people do too. Related Blog Posts on Spiritual Abuse What is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse
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