The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Have You Struggled With The Pain Of Losing Church Friends?
This cartoon about the pain of losing church friends is titled Holy Ghosted. I love the humor in the name but for many of us, being ghosted by a community we were so invested in and loved is no laughing matter. It does hurt. Wow, do I have some stories! Okay, I'll tell you one. I planted a church for a big-time international ministry. When the leader who hired me to plant the church decided he didn't like me anymore, he fired me. The next Sunday I had to go to the church when it was opened in order to pick up some things I'd left there. People were already gathered. Seriously... when I walked in, up the aisle, gathered my things, and walked back out, not a person said a thing to me. They never even looked at me. It literally felt like I was a ghost. And, well, to them I was. In fact, I was a demonic one apparently. Literally ghosted. It's happened many other times too by people I genuinely thought were lifelong friends. So strange! Weird. But, ghost stories are weird. It’s Okay to Feel This Way Being ghosted by church friends when we leave the church is a tough experience. When connections we thought were strong suddenly disappear, it leaves us feeling hurt and confused which only magnifies our feelings of religious trauma.I’ve had my share of these moments, and they’ve made me question my place and worth. But they’ve also taught me about resilience and finding genuine connections.If you’ve been ghosted, know that you’re not alone. Share your story in the comments, and let’s support each other through these challenges.
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There Is No Excuse for Spiritual Abuse
Paul regrets writing a painful letter to the Corinthians (2 Cor. 7: 8, 9). He admits he was sorry when he wrote it. But now he’s not sorry because he got what he wanted. The Corinthians turned this terrible event around and made themselves better people. Paul regrets writing a painful letter to the Corinthians (2 Cor. 7: 8, 9). He admits he was sorry when he wrote it. But now he’s not sorry because he got what he wanted. The Corinthians turned this terrible event around and made themselves better people. Let's say Paul was abusive. He admits he regretted writing it. I imagine it was very mean. This story isn't about the effectiveness of Paul's abusiveness. This is more about the extraordinary quality of the Corinthians. Description: A woman sits before a pastor at his desk. He says, “Well actually I think my spiritual abuse of you was a good thing. Just look how you turned out!” Unfortunately, many Christians use stories like this for permission to hurt others as long as it receives the desired results. I know amazing people who are courageous, wise and resilient. Why? Because they've survived abuse and have arisen out of the ashes of their suffering to be the incredible people they are. They alchemized the gross metal of their suffering into gold. But this does not mean we should abuse people so they can become better people. People have done and said nasty things to me. So, I made the necessary changes to escape their abuse and improve my life. Later, they’ve remarked, “Good thing I said that to you or you wouldn’t be where you are today!” Unfortunately, this is how the Church may operate. People have no qualms about spiritually abusing, shaming, and hurting people. It’s okay as long as it achieves the desired result. And if it doesn't then the victim is blamed for not responding the way they should have (I wrote about the Bethel spiritual abuse scandal) Repeat after me: There’s no excuse for spiritual abuse.
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When to Leave the Church
You can leave church for many reasons: bad teaching, lousy coffee, no youth group, terrible music, uncomfortable chairs. But there are two reasons to leave the church right away. When it’s abusive. When you can’t be free. Many leave the church for the first. More should leave for the second. Cartoon description: A woman leaves a church shaped like a cage. A man inside says "Wait! I wouldn't go out there if I were you!" I experienced a lot of the first and found a safer place.The reason I finally left is for the second reason. I migrated to churches where I could be free. But I eventually found a line I could not cross. My freedom was limited so I had to leave. I left the church in 2010 for this reason. I felt free until I realized I wasn’t free to fully become who I am. I bumped into the bars of the cage I didn’t know were there until I bumped into them. Do you know what I mean? That’s when I walked out of the cage into my freedom. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re trapped until you meet the line you must not cross. The cage seemed large enough for me. Now I know something important: THERE IS NO CAGE. I discovered that the bars of my cage were in my own mind. Imaginary! I wasn’t trapped at all. I was only afraid of the consequences of living my freedom. Freedom is scary. But if you live free in spite of the fear you will realize that you’ve always been free. You’ve gradually learned how to live in a cageless world. I learned how to do it. You can too! And it’s wonderful.
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Understanding the Complex Web of Abuse, Control, and Theology in Religious Institutions
It all came as a package. The abuse. The control. The theology. The denomination. The church. A woman leaves a church. The pastor says, "Just a warning: we've so conditioned you that if you leave it will absolutely KILL you!" Some said it was just the abuse so find it without the abuse. Some said I just needed to find it without a controlling leader. Some said it was just the theology so find a church with better theology. Some said it was with the denomination so find a better one. Some said it was the church, there’s a better one out there. I tried and couldn’t find them. Because they come as a package. I was never in a cult. But I was in cultish groups. There are groups that use cultish techniques: control, shame, guilt, mind-games, brain-washing, overcommitment, intense intimacy. What makes a cult is when it’s criminal, like involuntary confinement, kidnapping, violence, sexual assault, rape, and extortion to control its members. The commonality is the cult-survivor’s grief. They miss the intensity of intimacy they shared. I understood because that’s what Lisa and I missed too. But now I don’t want it back. Want to know why? Because it was a part of the package. Those intense feelings come in a symbiotic relationship with the style of leadership and the content of their teaching. It was a package. The whole thing was designed to control me. The only way to get free was to escape. What’s important, even more than community, is your spiritual independence and freedom. Then figure out how to be in a community. If a community violates your spiritual independence, leave. You must be free. I must be free. Together in healthy ways. Resources on Spiritual Abuse Here are a list of other blog posts I've written on Spiritual Abuse. 10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse 5 Steps to Recover from Spiritual Abuse 10 Questions You Can Ask A Church To See If It's Spiritually Abusive What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?
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Did the Church Bait and Switch You with Unconditional Love?
One of the things that disturb me is when someone accuses people of wanting to go to church when the church is notorious for abusing them. Women. LGBTQ+. BIPOC. Etcetera. I always respond that people have the right to want to be a part of a church congregation and community. If a kid was having a rough time at home, would we say, “Why do you want to stay there? Just leave!” Of course not. Because we understand the kid wants family. The church rightly claims that it offers unconditional love. Like it’s Lord. Unfortunately, “unconditional” has been changed in meaning. What it usually means now is this: “Of course we welcome you unconditionally. Depending on the severity of your sin, though, you have one month to a year to reform or you’re out on your ass.” People are "love-bombed" on the way in and for the first while. Then the unconditional love expires. Unconditional love now has a shelf-life. Unconditional love isn’t the main course but the bait. The chum. The lure. The decoy. The teaser. It’s the cologne, not the body. It’s not the face, but the mask. It’s meant to get you in so they can change you. The old bait and switch. How many here know what I’m talking about?
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SAYING YOU’RE ACCESSIBLE AND BEING ACCESSIBLE ARE 2 DIFFERENT THINGS
SAYING YOU’RE ACCESSIBLE AND BEING ACCESSIBLE ARE 2 DIFFERENT THINGS A door has a sign on it, “We Welcome Short People”. Short people are trying desperately to reach the doorknob but can’t while people inside look fearfully at the short people trying to get in. It’s one thing to say you’re accessible. It’s another thing to actually be accessible.People with disabilities know this. By experience. It’s like churches that say they’re affirming. They say they’re affirming but they’re really not. LGBTQ+ people know this. By experience. Every once in a while I hear from someone who’s found a church that accepts them… a church that is totally accessible and affirming and welcoming and inclusive and MEANS IT! It’s not just engraved on their sign but on their hearts as well. So beautiful! These are precious gems in our universe. They are like priceless diamonds in our world. And they are precious and priceless precisely because they are rare. Be like these churches. (Did you know many of my cartoons are available as prints? I even have some original drawings available too.)
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Taking Invisible Wounds Seriously
Want to know how you can really show love to someone? Listen to them.Hear their stories. Once someone trusts you enough to share with you their harrowing tales, honor that with good listening ears. Don’t say… “You think that’s bad, wait til you hear this!”“I don’t get why this upset you.”“You need to grow some balls.”“Have your prayed about it?”“It could’ve been worse.”“Shouldn’t you be over that by now?” No. Did you know pain differs from person to person. Some people have a higher pain threshold than others. When you’re in emergency and they ask you, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how great is the pain?”, they’re not asking, “Compared to me, how great is your pain?” or “Compared to a gorilla, how great is your pain?” They’re asking you how great the pain is to you. There are all kinds of mechanisms that enter in when we’re dealing with the invisible pain of traumatic events. Maybe we forget faster. Maybe we get over things faster. Maybe we forgive faster. Maybe we heal faster. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is if you’re still feeling the pain or not. I remember sharing a very painful memory with a counselor. I felt silly sharing it because when I was speaking it sounded like nothing. But she took it seriously. She helped me realize that that little event was a symptom of a deeper issue that was at work in my life and needed to be taken seriously. Then I could start to heal. When someone is sharing their painful story with you, just listen without judgment or a solution. Just listen. Don’t fix them.
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Here are 10 signs you’re being verbally abused
Can you tell when you're being verbally abused? I get verbally abused. It takes some a while to recognize when it's happening because abusive speech was normal growing up. After I left the ministry I visited a church. When the preacher preached I was pushing myself back into my chair, physically reacting to his abusive speech. I decided to never go back if he was preaching. I've learned how to recognize verbal abuse. I can smell it a mile away. You can too. A preacher decides which face to use for preaching: Loving? (in cobwebs) Disappointed? Angry? Furious? Here are 10 signs you’re being verbally abused: You think, "I don't deserve this!” They are aggressively shouting, pointing, and using all CAPS. You think, “I'd never speak to anyone like this!" You think, "What they're saying just isn't true!" You doubt yourself while they're talking. You don't feel free to respond and they won't listen anyway. If you express your hurt, you're blamed for being too sensitive. They say terrible things but add "I love you" or a nice emoji. They use words always and never. You fear that this could escalate. This is not comprehensive. The first step to realizing you’re being verbally abused is knowing that you don't deserve this. It's an assault on your person. So when you're being verbally abused, what can you do? If it’s safest to endure until you're safe and secure, do so. Or, if you can, hang up, walk away, block. You don’t deserve to be verbally abused. You can demand people speak to you with respect. Establish a boundary. If they violate it, THEY'RE the ones who broke the communication, not YOU for not tolerating it. Love yourself.
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10 Signs Of Spiritual Abuse
Religious PTSD is real. Spiritual abuse is a thing. Please believe me! Some think abuse is just violent treatment of another person. But when people’s freedoms are restricted or violated, this is a subtle sign of abuse. It’s violence against the human spirit. Like this cartoon, spiritual abusers don't tape people's mouths, cuff their wrists, shackle their feet, put them on a leash, or lock them in a cage. Not literally. But they might silence people, restrict their movements, prevent their freedom, limit their involvement, and control their lives. Here are 10 Subtle Signs Of Spiritual Abuse You are not allowed to speak your mind. You can only play if you meet certain expectations. You feel shame but can't apologize enough. They expect you to give without hesitation until it hurts. Their disappointment in you can never be remedied. You live in constant fear of outbursts of anger. You feel less empowered with them than with others. There are consequences to questioning them. They have ways to disappear your accusations. They have ways to make your life miserable if you leave. Healing From Spiritual Abuse Healing from spiritual abuse and religious trauma involves uncovering and confronting the harmful beliefs that once confined you, while embracing a newfound freedom to explore your own spirituality and beliefs that resonate with your authentic self. This abuse doesn’t just happen in churches or religious communities—it can happen in personal relationships, even in a marriage. Many people ask, "Can you be spiritually abused in a marriage?" The answer is yes, and recognizing this is an important step in reclaiming your autonomy I encourage people in such situations to trust their gut.It takes time for some of us to learn when we are being violated, when a personal boundary is being trespassed, or when a line is being crossed. The lesson is to train your gut to notice it right away, to not deny it or doubt it, but to trust it and say, “Wait! No!” and to stop it if you can. I’ve been spiritually abused. It took me years to figure it out. But I’ve gotten to the place now where I recognize it in an instant, sometimes even before it starts. And I won’t take it. Not anymore. And neither should you! You can read more about why it's important to heal from spiritual abuse in this blog post.
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