The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Why I Know So Much About Spiritual Abuse
I talk about spiritual abuse a lot because it happens a lot. The ignorance around spiritual abuse allows it to flourish. Like a disease: if you don’t believe it exists or is exaggerated then it will continue to kill people and eventually you. I know about spiritual abuse for two reasons: I inflicted it as a pastor. I received it as a follower. The temptation for any person with power to use shame, fear, and intimidation to achieve their goals is high. I’m not just talking about pastors. I’m also talking about bosses, teachers, coaches, parents, etc. A preacher says to his people, “He is the potter. You are the clay. And I am the potter’s hands!” I learned simultaneously that using shame, fear, and intimidation to get what I wanted from my kids and using these to get what I wanted from my parishioners was the same impulse and was harmful, abusive, and unproductive. Look: I was TRAINED to spiritually abuse! Not only by my upbringing, my role models, my church and pastors, but by my studies in theology and pastoral ministry. It’s everywhere. Even my own parishioners INVITED me to abuse them from the pulpit. They said they enjoyed being brow-beaten by the Bible! Do you know why? Because feeling guilty then repenting feels better and happens faster than actually changing. It was around this same time that I realized how pervasive abuse is. It’s insidiously ingrained in all kinds of institutions, organizations, communities, and relationships. So I decided to change as a pastor, a parent, and a person.And I radically transformed my life and ministry from then on. This is why I talk about spiritual abuse so much. Resources on Spiritual Abuse Here are a list of other blog posts I've written on Spiritual Abuse. What is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you. 5 Steps to Recover from Spiritual Abuse 10 Questions You Can Ask A Church To See If It's Spiritually Abusive
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When Your Story of Spiritual Abuse is Dismissed
I posted this cartoon early this summer but I’m posting it again because it’s an important element of spiritual abuse… the theme I’m focusing on for a few days. My work on spiritual abuse receives angry and defensive reactions. Many say: Why are you so bitter? How dare you attack Christ’s bride whom he died for!This hardly happens.You’re just trying to make us look bad to the world.Do you have to be so negative?You’re in the Church so don't bite the hand that feeds you.You aren’t in the Church so you have no right to criticize it. I claim spiritual abuse, from control to sexual assault, is actually rampant in the Church. The Church is the perfect culture for abuse. It has all the ingredients: Ignorance of systemic evil;The lack of accountability;Leader adulation;Predation of women and children;Fear of criticizing something sacred;Submission as a value;Unquestioning loyalty as a requirement;Denial as a default position;The compulsory forgiveness and restitution of fallen leaders. These combine to make churches perfect for spiritual abuse. Denial of this silences victims, dismisses their pain, and nullifies their experience. Just so they can hold on to their fantasy idea of Church. They sacrifice people to the institution. When someone says their church doesn’t spiritually abuse I think one of three things: They are right and are therefore fortunate. They don’t recognize spiritual abuse because we are so used to being assaulted every week and expect to be dominated by their leaders. Spiritual abuse is rebranded as discipline or authority or our weakness and unwillingness to submit. Spiritual abuse is real and it’s wrong.
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What’s The Difference Between Manipulation And Persuasion?
When a spiritual leader forces you to do something, It’s not persuasion. It’s spiritual abuse. Manipulation and coercion are abusive. When I resisted these attempts I was accused of resisting the Spirit and blocking the vision of the church. A personal story: I met with one pastor before I finally broke ties with him. He was furious because I wouldn’t cooperate. At one point in the meeting he poked his finger hard into my chest and told me that Lisa and I needed therapy. What provoked him to do this? Well, he asked me, “What is it about me that bothers you so much?” I said, “I find you very controlling.” He went ballistic. Another time a person with spiritual authority over me flipped when I suggested that he not encourage people to adore him so much. By adore I mean bowing and kneeling at his feet and weeping in rapt adoration. He fired me and thrust me and my family into financial desperation. Those two incidents are abuse. Understand that many spiritual leaders confuse coercion with persuasion because they really really want you to do what they want. Is that clear to you? Because some people can’t tell. I couldn’t for a long time because I was taught that spiritual leaders making you do something you don’t want to do is some kind of anointing, God’s way of overpowering your fleshly resistance to God’s will. Here’s one way I tell the difference between abuse and persuasion: When you are spiritually abused you feel like something’s wrong but you blame yourself. When you are persuaded you feel that something’s right and you feel better about yourself because of it. How do you tell the difference?
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Challenging Spiritual Abuse and Validating Your Story
When you feel vulnerable and brave enough to share one of your stories of spiritual abuse, you sometimes get the reaction you didn’t want. Sometimes your story of abuse is minimized: “That happens all the time in churches. You’re making too big a deal of it. It’s normal! You’re just too sensitive.” Sometimes your story of abuse is dismissed: “I wouldn’t call that abuse. I think they were just trying to push you to be a more righteous person.” Sometimes your story of abuse is not believed: “I can’t believe he would do that! Are you sure you’re not misinterpreting his intentions? He’s so anointed!” Sometimes your story of abuse is turned on you: “Are you sure you didn’t do something to provoke him to do that to you?” I know these are common responses to spiritual abuse because I’ve heard them. They’re the same kind of responses some women get who are abused by their partners. I know because they tell me this all the time. One of the biggest obstacles to our stories of spiritual abuse being believed is that people worship the Church and its leaders and can’t bear the thought of them harming you. So they will minimize it, dismiss it, and not believe it. They’d rather not hear the truth that might challenge the lies they believe about the Church and spiritual leaders. Share your story of spiritual abuse here if you want. We’ll believe you. And if someone tries to minimize, dismiss, or not believe you, I’ll delete their comment.
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Leaving The Church and Shedding Shame
When I left the church in 2010 there was a feeling of ostracizing myself, alienating myself, separating myself, removing myself. I was now outside the organized church and it was my fault. I made an important choice that was very public. I was the one who left. This was my doing. Yes, the situation had come to the point where it was unbearable and impossible for me to stay. But it was still me who left. Description: A woman leaves a church. The pastor says, “Shame on you for leaving!” She replies, “No! I’m done with shame. Which is why I’m leaving!” When I left the church in 2010 there was a feeling of ostracizing myself, alienating myself, separating myself, removing myself. I was now outside the organized church and it was my fault. I made an important choice that was very public. I was the one who left. This was my doing. Yes, the situation had come to the point where it was unbearable and impossible for me to stay. But it was still me who left. But along with this feeling I noticed something else happening. I noticed that the feeling of being disqualified, invalid, illegitimate, even ashamed, tried to creep in. Not only did I leave. I felt people expected me to be humiliated for leaving. Ashamed. People were even embarrassed FOR me. Remember, I not only left the church. I also left the ministry. But, I immediately knew that this feeling was wrong and unnecessary. Here’s an analogy: I am a Canadian living in Canada. Even if I travel to Australia, I’m still a Canadian. Even if I move to Mozambique for the rest of my life, I am still a Canadian. I am no less valid a Canadian no matter where I am than the little old lady who never leaves Small Town, New Brunswick, Canada. My point is: Remember who you are. You are not disqualified. Don’t be ashamed. You are okay just as you are where you are. Be courageous and confident because you carry your identity with you. You haven’t left you behind. You’ve only left that which tried to limit, destroy, and shame you. Be done with shame!
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The Irony of Intolerance: Misinterpreting the Message of Jesus
You'd think some people actually do this. They take the beautiful basic message of love and some of the most lovely sayings of Jesus and twist them all into their total opposites. They say their hate is actually an expression of love.They say their regulations are actually required by grace.They say their rigidity is actually a form of care.They say their fundamentalism is actually the painful truth.They say their violence is for the establishment of peace.They say their bullying is biblical evangelism. Your resistance to all of this is seen as your resistance to the gospel and to Jesus himself. Then they dial it up and intensify their efforts and things get worse. When they see their efforts to convert you are in vain, in one more final biblical gesture, they express divine wrath and depart, shaking the dust off their feet and consigning you to the Evil One and his Hell. In other words, they prey on you.Like wolves do sheep. I know it's hard to let this not affect you. I know it's hard for me sometimes. But be comforted in the fact that they're wrong. Just like your gut is telling you. Description: Jesus says to his disciples, "I send you out as sheep among wolves." One of them says to another, "I'm going to take that to mean he's sending us out as wolves among sheep."
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It's Okay to Question the History You Were Taught!
A girl reads a book in bed titled, "THIS IS YOUR HISTORY TEXT WRITTEN BY MEN FOR MEN IN A MAN'S WORLD". She doesn't look pleased. It's Okay to Question the History You Were Taught! A sign of immaturity is gullibly believing everything you're told. So, a sign of maturity is the ability to question everything you're told, even the authorized version. Here in Canada we are learning a different kind of history of our nation that has roots in the genocide of Indigenous people. It should be acknowledged here that we aren't really learning anything new, but that a publicly known secret is being exposed in a most graphically horrific way. That's true for other histories too. We all know America's history too has roots in the genocidal erasure of Indigenous people, but also racism and slavery. It's a well known public secret that is getting more and more exposure. Imagine if women wrote the authorized history of the Salem witch trials. Imagine if other than Christians wrote the authorized history of the Church. Let's pull this down to the personal level: Do you believe the version of your life others dictate to you? Have you assimilated into your opinion of yourself what other people tell you to believe about yourself? Maybe it's time to write your own history, your own story, your own life. You are THE authority to be THE author of YOUR own life!
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Exposing the Reality of Spiritual Abuse in the Church
This cartoon portrays what happens too often in the Church in general and Christianity as a whole. Sheep scattered, slaughtered. One says to another, “You still got to admit he was a great teacher though.” This happens in businesses, universities, politics, families, and so many places. But we’re talking about the church because it boasts being so good to and for people. Too many highly respected spiritual leaders leave victims in their wake. I’ve experienced this and I know so many others who have as well. I have stories and I hear stories every single day. It’s not rare. It’s rampant. My cartoons and posts on spiritual abuse get reactions from many claiming I focus on a rarity in the Church. They are usually angry and defensive. They say things like Why are you so bitter? How dare you attack Christ’s bride whom he died for! This hardly happens. You’re just trying to make us look bad to the world. Do you have to be so negative? You’re in the Church so don't bite the hand that feeds you. You aren’t in the Church so you have no right to criticize it. Mind your own business! I claim spiritual abuse, from control to sexual assault, is rampant in the Church. It’s all over the internet. What Makes The Church The Perfect Culture For Abuse. The Church has long been a place of refuge for many, but it also contains the ideal conditions for abuse. Here's why: Ignorance of systemic evil; The lack of accountability; Leader adulation; Predation of women and children; Fear of criticizing something sacred; Submission as a value; These elements together create an environment where spiritual abuse can thrive. To ignore or deny this reality is both ignorant and harmful. Victims are silenced, their pain dismissed, and their experiences erased in the pursuit of preserving an idealized image of the Church. Ultimately, people are sacrificed for the sake of the institution. I've written more about these dynamics in my post, 10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse. When someone says their church doesn’t spiritually abuse I think one of three things: 1. They are right and are therefore fortunate.2. They don’t recognize spiritual abuse because we are so used to being assaulted every week and expect to be dominated by their leaders.3. Spiritual abuse is rebranded as discipline or authority or our weakness and unwillingness to submit. I try to convince people that spiritual abuse is real and it’s wrong. Period. Accountability Matters Spiritual abuse thrives when power goes unchecked, victims are silenced, and accountability is ignored. The Church has the potential to heal, but too often it becomes a place of harm. We must shine a light on these issues and demand accountability to protect those who’ve been hurt. Learn more in my post, Holding the Church Accountable for Abuse.
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Understanding Disccociation And Abusive Situations
We’re talking about being abused but not realizing it. I’ve spoken with women who describe a situation and then ask, “Was I raped?” I try not to look at them with dismay because yes absolutely they were raped. Sometimes by their own husbands! The same with spiritual abuse: sometimes we don’t realize we’re being abused.Why? It happened to me, so I came up with a theory I hope will help you.We call it dissociation. What are we dissociated from when we are being abused and don’t realize it? The situation? The abuse could happen in what we think is or what claims to be a safe space. Like being attacked by a shark in a bathtub, it just doesn’t sink in that this is happening to us here right now. The person? The abuser claims to be good and others agree. We trust them because we’re told we should and because we’ve chosen to. It never occurs to us that this person would ever hurt us. Ourselves? We’ve been raised with no or weak boundaries. We’ve been violated so often and for so long that this feels normal and deserved. We don’t trust our guts that this doesn’t feel good and should not be happening to us. When women share with me their stories of what was to me obviously rape and when people share their stories of what was to me obviously spiritual abuse, I always ask, “What did your guts tell you?” When they respond, “I was numb!” or “Something was off!”, I say “That’s all you need! It was abuse.” Do you relate?
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