The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
8 Warning Signs You're in a Controlling Church
Have you ever wondered if you're in a controlling church? Over the years, I've realized something: many people don’t recognize when they're being manipulated, coerced, or pressured within a church. It often feels subtle at first, but over time, the control becomes clear. Here are 8 signs that you might be in a controlling church—or even in a controlling relationship of any kind: 1. Power is not shared. Decisions are made by a select few, with no room for input or dialogue. 2. Your needs and desires are denied Your personal well-being takes a backseat to the institution’s goals. 3. If you don't comply you will be ignored or worse. If you don’t fall in line, you may be ignored, shunned, or worse. 4. Your discontent is your fault When you express concerns, you're made to feel like the problem. 5. More put-downs than encouragement Feedback is framed as "constructive criticism," but it’s mostly discouraging. 6. Doubts and questions are seen as betrayal Honest inquiries are met with suspicion, as if you're turning against the faith.7. Shame keeps you in line 8. Your life is micromanaged Even personal decisions seem to require the church’s approval or oversight.Have you experienced this? I know I have. Not only as a church member, but as a pastor, I was guilty of this kind of control until I recognized the harm I was causing and knew I had to change. Recognizing Spiritual Abuse and Finding Freedom It's essential to recognize that spiritual abuse often disguises itself as guidance or care, but it is a form of church manipulation that deeply harms individuals. If you're experiencing these signs, you might be dealing with religious trauma, where the very place meant to nurture your spirit is instead causing you distress. Escaping a controlling church can be daunting, but acknowledging these clues is the first step toward reclaiming your spiritual freedom and finding a community that truly respects and supports you.
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10 Signs That The Church Is Narcissistic
Browsing the internet convinces me now more than ever that the church is showing signs of being narcissistic. Not all churches, but the church in general. So I imagined this cartoon. (Click on image to get a digital download of it, or click HERE!) Comparing the Church To A Person: Signs of Narcissistic Behavior They have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success. They believe that they are special or unique. They require constant admiration. They have a very strong sense of entitlement. They exploit others and don't respect boundaries. They lack empathy. They are envious of others or think others are envious of them. They regularly display arrogant attitudes and behaviors. They react to criticism or contrary viewpoints with condescension and anger. Treatment For Narcissism The treatment for narcissism is always described as long term because often the root of narcissism is a severe lack of self-worth that lie in serious difficulties with the person's pathological development. It requires the patient to: Admit they are narcissistic. Seek professional help. Commit to the long-term for healing. What steps can the church take? I think it needs to begin with local leadership and percolate throughout the rest of the local community. What are your thoughts? Related Blog Posts Understanding Narcissistic PastorsWhat is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.
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Why It's Important To Heal From Spiritual Abuse
I care about the victims of abuse. Especially church and spiritual abuse. This is what I do. Too often I see people treat such victims with bandages rather than with the serious interior work that's required. Even after the victim is removed from the abusive situation.Even after the victim is recompensed for his or her pain and suffering.Even after the perpetrator is punished.Even after the victim is advised about new skills to move on.Even after the trauma is over and done and history. The victim must be given the opportunity and any available resources to heal the damage, the wounds, the trauma, the hurt, the pain, that is within. This is my "Still Not Healed" cartoon. They must be given voice. They must be heard. They must be understood. They must be believed. They must be supported and encouraged and empowered in every possible way so that they can assume their free, independent, and sovereign authority over their own lives and resume their lives in healthy ways. I look forward to the day when churches stop using the bandage effect to cover up the symptoms of abuse and begin to deal with the real problem, and that's their propensity for abuse. Bandages don't cure. They just cover. Churches need to be healed within. And people do too. Related Blog Posts on Spiritual Abuse What is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse
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The church's Abuse of the Never-ending Pursuit of God
It benefits the church to perpetuate the notion that we are separated and alienated from God. It fuels the fear that drives the never ending race to overcome this alienation... either by mysticism, confession, repentance, prayer, devotion, or some other religious means. (Click on image to download it, or click HERE.) What if we realized that even though we are individual, we are one... that separation and alienation are overcome, and that in fact there is no longer any separation, division, or alienation? This illusion of separation begins in our minds, reinforced by unhealthy religion, and forms beliefs that are perpetuated in our particular language. It is only belief and language that project a separation that isn't real. This is the power of the church. It knows it and applies it to keep us on the run. We, including the church, must reject this illusion.
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The Church Should be the Safest Place for Question
Last night 7 people representing the LGBTQ community from New Direction with Wendy VanderWal Gritter came to my house, and along with some local friends we had over 20 people stuffed into my living room. We had wine and ordered in pizza. They arrived at 5:30pm and I expected them to stay only a few hours but it was almost 11pm by the time they left. It was an amazing evening full of deep discussion, tears and laughter. The love and sense of community was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The one issue that prevailed in our discussion was community. They had a lot of questions about our online community The Lasting Supper. All of them have experienced this cartoon. (Click on the cartoon Questions Changed for a digital download!) There are a lot of questions, but living in the question with questions is generally not a welcomed posture to take in the church. We all hunger for the kind of community where we can just be ourselves without being judged, segregated, separated or alienated. All we want is a safe space where we can learn to be who we authentically are and where we can learn to give that same respect and space to others. The philosopher Slavoj Žižek suggests that the purpose of philosophy is to ask the right questions. I believe that is the purpose of theology, and church ought to be the safest place to do that. But no. Rather, the church has become the most dangerous and even most fatal place to do it. Everyone in my home last night can attest to that. I personally am committed to providing safe spaces for questioners to thrive.
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10 Reasons Why Leaving the Ministry is Difficult for Pastors
I wrote the original post of this shortly after I left the ministry in 2010. It still applies. I frequently talk with pastors, and the struggle they endure is unbelievable. It's believable to me though because I experienced it and experience it still. I want to post this cartoon about leaving the ministry every once in a while as an encouragement and support for pastors struggling to stay in or get out of the ministry. I am a pastor who left the ministry. It was one of the most difficult decisions and transitions I ever made. It's not just a matter of changing one's career. It is much more complex than that. Here's why 10 Reasons Why Leaving the Ministry is Difficult for Pastors Loss of Income: Like any other career change, it is very frightening to let your salary go. Even if it might be an insufficient one, it is still difficult to let go of your guaranteed income. Most pastors have no idea how they will provide support for themselves and their families if they leave. Disappointing Your Family: Especially if your family is Christian, they had so much pride in the fact that you were "serving the Lord". Pastors will anticipate a great deal of disappointment from their families when they walk away from this very special calling that so many people took such delight in. Identity Crisis: When pastors get ordained, they, like me, vow that they will never, ever give up. They swear that they will serve the Lord and the church until death. To even think about surrendering this induces an incredible amount of personal shame. Theological Confusion: I always took great comfort from scriptures such as, "Run the race. Fight the good fight." These passages helped me in the worst of times to persevere. To quit the ministry evokes enormous feelings of spiritual failure. Change of Vocation: Almost all the pastors I have known are very specially trained. They have focused their whole lives and educations on theology and ministry to others. It is feared that to walk away from the only job that employs these skills is to expose oneself to a completely unmarketable and unemployable position. Usually it requires retraining, which in itself is too daunting to face. Leaving Your Congregation: To leave the ministry is to walk away from the congregation that the pastor has served. It can feel like abandoning your family. In fact, some might accuse the pastor of being a false shepherd who abandons the sheep. To anticipate this painful separation is excruciating. Ammunition For Your Enemies: Those who have questioned, ridiculed or even opposed the pastor's ministry will suddenly have all the ammunition they need to say, "I told you so!" I've heard many times that leaving the ministry was proof that I shouldn't have been a pastor to begin with. It feels like throwing in the towel, and there are people who love to cheer that demonstration of surrender. Loss of Meaning in Life: To leave most jobs doesn't bear the weightiness that leaving the ministry does. Leaving the ministry carries an existential significance that shoots a resigning pastor into the darkest of nights because, as most pastors sense, their job wasn't just a job, but an extension of their spiritual selves. Ministry is the expression of their convictions, and to leave the job appears to be the desertion of these core convictions. Feeling Like You Wasted Years and Effort: All pastors are taught and believe that they are planting seeds. They toil year after year with faith that one day their labor will bear fruit. To consider leaving the ministry is to consider relinquishing the garden and to leave it untended or under the care of another who doesn't share the same commitments. All that work is gone to waste without any chance of sharing in the harvest, if it ever comes. Losing Your Friends: When pastors leave the ministry, they leave friends. For one, they are walking away from their peers in ministry. They are quitting that team. But they are also walking away from people they've served through their births, baptisms, marriages, divorces, deaths, tragedies and spiritual pilgrimages. They are saying farewell to people they have loved in very significant ways, intuitively knowing that walking away from the community network will also endanger their chances of that ever happening again. If you're leaving the ministry, then expect to experience these. If you've already left, then I hope this helps you make sense out of what happened to you.
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Understanding Why People Leave the Church
I know many people who have been rejected by the Community. They aren't a part of one anymore because, wisely, they don't wish to subject themselves to that kind of inhumane treatment again. I know enough people who've left community to fill a couple of large buildings. I realize there are lots of predictions that my church is going to be null and void soon. Even the church in general. But I personally don't find it useful to continually blame those who have left or don't attend. Because I am still a member of one and in fact oversee one, I feel it is incumbent upon me to ask myself what the problem is with the institution people are leaving in droves. I am not naive enough to adopt the theory that it has outgrown its usefulness and is now outdated and nonessential. I think the burden of proof weighs upon the institution to explain itself: Why are there so many people damaged by this particular institution? Why are so many bored with it? Why are so many finding satisfaction without it? Why are so many seeking understanding for their faith elsewhere? Why do so many avoid it at all costs? And why is this institution so stubborn that it won't listen to its dissenters or critics? Or, why is this particular institution neurotically innovating and tweaking and modifying itself in an obviously desperate attempt to charm new customers? The Community is the necessary, visible, local manifestation of the Body. The Body, demonstrated in the Community, needs earthly expression or else it's just pure mysticism, unchained from responsibility in this world. We need to practice introspection and figure out how to do this with humility, courage, and compassion.
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