Have You Ever Been Shunned After Leaving The Church?

I’ve experienced this a few times after leaving the church, and I know many others have too. It’s called shunning. Some churches openly acknowledge it as “shunning,” while others shy away from the term because they believe it sounds unkind. Instead, they cut people out of their lives completely, leaving them with no connection or support. What’s the difference? Just a matter of semantics.   Two women pass each other in the grocery store. One says, “Sally?! What do you mean, “Excuse me, who are you?”? I only left the church last month!   When I’ve left the church, I often felt like they viewed me as someone who had catastrophically and cataclysmically backslidden into unforgivable error. They seemed to think I had demons or that I was contagious. Has this happened to you? If you want to read more about the emotional impact of losing church friends, check out my post, “Have You Struggled With The Pain Of Losing Church Friends?”.

The Complimentary Box

One man hands another man a box and says, "Welcome to the faith! Now, here's our complimentary box, outside of which you should never ever think again!" Whenever I've felt stuck or even trapped I've eventually realized it was because of my thinking. Once it changed, everything changed. Visit my nakedpastorstore for tons of provocative stuff like this! Thanks.

10 Reasons Why it's So Hard to Leave the Church

Addictions are hard to break, including church. Some of us already know this. Now, the rest of us will. Fear Of Hell The fear of going to hell gripped me when I left. Did I leave God and God’s people? Does Satan own me? Am I going to Hell? We learn this isn’t true. Loss of Community  I lost not all but most friends. We must learn how to make new ones while grieving the loss of old ones. It's complicated and a journey. Read more in this blog post, When You Miss the Community of Church Inspiration It’s inspiring to gather, learn, and sing together. I got refueled for the next week. Learning how to do that by yourself is a new skill Music I love music. My worship band loved playing together. I haven’t played my guitar since I left nor listened to worship music. Too much “ick”. But time heals. You can read more about this in my blog, I Used to Make Worship Music and Now I'm Triggered by My Guitar Support When we struggled, people helped with food, money, babysitting, cars, prayers. Now we’re self-sufficient Destiny My life had purpose. I had a destiny! That’s gone but meaning is deeper. Validation I felt I was doing good. I had assurance I was saved, blessed, and on the right track. Now we develop self-confidence. Boredom At first I felt delinquent. Now I love Sunday mornings. Church is like family with 24/7 demands. I’m now self-directed and don’t depend on others to occupy myself. Children Our kids are now adults. We never slammed the church with them, but they knew. They also know we’re not enemies of the church. They’ve developed their own spiritualities. Inclusion Many think I hate the church. I was criticized for biting the hand that fed me. Now I’m criticized for challenging something I’m not part of. Can’t win! Do you relate?

The Unpredictable Journey of Finding Yourself

Those who assume authority over us and those who hold our community memberships can be tricky with their language. Yes, you’re allowed to ask questions. As long as they are the prescribed ones.Yes, you’re allowed to search. As long as you find what we planted.Yes, you’re allowed to find yourself. As long as you become a person we can accept. The danger with questions, searching, and finding ourselves…is that we cannot predict how things will turn out. We cannot anticipate the answer.We cannot determine what we find.We cannot stipulate what we become. I’ve counseled a ton of people who want a certain answer.They want to find what they’re looking for.They want to be a person they fantasize about. The truth is true growth is truly scary and completely unpredictable.Spiritual growth scares people because it demands surrender to the unknown.It is a treacherous, though rewarding, journey into the complete unknown.It is a deep-dive into unfathomable mystery where the best treasures are buried. Take that trip!Find yourself.Pay the consequences.Because it’s worth it.All of it.

When the Church Joins Itself to the State

Have you left the church but it hasn’t let you go?

Have you left the church but it hasn’t let you go? I left the ministry in 2010 and switched my membership to occasional visitor. Weddings. Funerals. Feel like it. However, I talk about the church every.single.day. This bothers some people. They say, “You can’t criticize the church if you’re not a part of it!” Funny, because they used to say, “You shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you!” I also have people say to me, “You can take the boy out of the church but you can’t take the church out of the boy!” as if I have a problem. Actually: I love the church and would love to see it function in a healthy manner. I believe the church has dropped the ball on people who want to grow beyond the confines that the church allows. I want to help both the churches who want to be healthy and those who want to grow beyond it. In fact, this is what I do. So, yes, I keep talking about the church for these reasons. And I love it.

Did You Break the Unspoken Expectations of Your Church?

Unspoken Expectations Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward Every church has unspoken expectations. Every group has them. Every human being has them. The last church I was at, I assumed I had the space to grow as I wished. But I discovered, to my great disappointment, that I had crossed a line. "This far and no further" was an unspoken expectation of my church and the denomination I was a part of (Vineyard). I had gone too far in my search for truth and my quest for personal wholeness. I broke their expectations. Me being the pastor, though, contributed to the complexity of the issue. It was time to leave. No regrets now. But, I would have stayed if I was given the space. (Now I meet with my online community TheLastingSupper.com. Join us for the community you miss. I'll personally welcome you. You'll love it!)

What Your Family Thinks of You When You Stop Going to Church

Stopped Going to Church Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward

Understanding Narcissistic Pastors and the Trap of Pastor Worship (Spiritual Abuse)

As if narcissists can ever be truly understood! But we must try in order to protect ourselves from them. Because narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse. The truth is that the ministry is a massive magnet for narcissists. It offers the perfect environment for someone who craves attention, authority, and unquestioned devotion. If you’ve ever felt like your soul was being crushed by a leader you were told to "adore," you aren't crazy, and you aren't alone. Let’s look at why narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse and how the dangerous culture of "pastor worship" keeps their systems running. What is a Narcissistic Pastor? First, let's be clear: not every pastor is a narcissist. But many of us have served under ones who definitely were. At its core, narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that a person ignores or devalues the needs of everyone around them. In a church setting, this manifests as a leader who behaves as though they possess the "divine right of kings." To them, they aren't just a leader; they are God's mouthpiece. This makes the members of the church their subjects rather than their community. I’ve seen it firsthand: these leaders believe they are uniquely empowered by God to treat people however they wish—and they will use "theology" to justify the damage they do. The Tactics: Using God for Their Purposes The endgame of any narcissistic leader is control. To get it, they use the most powerful tool in their arsenal: your faith.   Like, this cartoon is not all that outlandish. Believe me! (Click on the image for a digital download or click HERE.) When a pastor uses "divine authority" to demand compliance, it is a form of spiritual gaslighting. They employ ideas that stress: The "untouchability" of God’s anointed. The unchallengeable nature of spiritual leadership. The idea that questioning the pastor is equivalent to questioning God. If you are told you must "trust the man of God" regardless of your own intuition or boundaries, you are in a high-demand control system. In any other context, we’d call it a cult. In the church, we often just call it "good leadership." The Danger of Pastor Worship Abuse in the church isn't always loud or obvious. It doesn't always look like screaming or scandal. Sometimes, the subtlest form of spiritual abuse is pastor worship. (Description: People are bowing at the feet of a proud pastor and one says, "Dear Pastor, we know you would never hurt us!") Have you ever been in a church where the pastor is absolutely adored? I’ve seen pastors carefully cultivate this adoration. They want the people to love them so much that the congregants would never dream of disappointing them. This creates a "cult of personality" where: Trust is total. You stop checking the fruit and start blindly following the vision. Disappointment is feared. You find yourself performing to stay in the leader's "good graces." Community is the bait. We all want to belong. Narcissistic leaders know this and position themselves as the gatekeepers of that community. (Click on the cartoon for a digital download of it!) The Toxic Blend: Why Good People Stay I want to defend something here: you are not gullible or stupid. I’m an intelligent person, and many people I know who’ve been trapped in these systems are also intelligent, well-adjusted people. We don't get stuck because we are weak; we get stuck because we want community. What happens is a toxic blend of systemic evil: A Narcissistic Leader (who wants to be the center). Good People (who want to belong). A Beautiful Idea (like "community" or "the mission"). When these three meet, people begin to lose themselves for the sake of the group. The leader becomes the "locus of fulfillment," and before you know it, the system exists only to serve the leader's ego. Don't Let Them Take Your Soul Narcissistic pastors will crush you if you let them. They will take your time, your money, and eventually, your very sense of self all while claiming it’s for "God’s glory." If you recognize these signs, the demand for adoration, the "divine right" to control, or the feeling that you are a subject rather than a member, listen to your gut. You do not owe your soul to a leader. You do not owe your life to a toxic system. Freedom begins when you realize that you don't need a middleman to get to God, and you certainly don't need to worship a man to find community. Protect your soul. Get out if you have to. You are worth it.   Related Blog Posts 10 Signs That The Church Is NarcissisticWhat is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?