What Do Jesus and the Church Have in Common?

11 Things I Miss About Church After Leaving

I've left the church. Many times. The last time I left was 8 years ago. It was painful every time. Here's just a few of the reasons why it was so difficult to leave. 1. Missing the Assurance: When I left the church, a profound cloud of fear enveloped me: "What have I done?" No matter how much you rationalize your decision, the years and years of indoctrination collect to shout out jeers and threats for your selfishness, stupidity, sinfulness, and shortsightedness. You have just willingly divorced yourself from God and his people, taken your first step closer to Hell, thrown yourself into the arms of the Devil, and destined yourself to an endless road of Perdition. You have officially branded yourself a Heretic. Lost! Of course this isn't true, but try telling yourself that! Over and over and over again. One of the most terrifying aspects of changing beliefs or losing faith is the fear of Hell and so it's common to miss the assurance you felt before you left.  2. Missing the Friends: The first time I left the church I imagined I would keep many of the friends I had there. I learned quickly that it never seems to work out. Even the last time I left the church, that fantasy was still burning in my mind. Again, it didn't work out. You lose friends. Maybe not all, but most of them. Period. You have to learn how to make new ones while you're grieving the loss of your old ones. Not easy. 3. Missing the Inspiration: There is something very inspiring about gathering together with others on pretty much the same page, in agreement, learning together and singing together and supporting each other. I love hearing or delivering a good sermon. Honestly! Most often I walked away refreshed and refueled for the next week. Learning how to do that by yourself is not simple. 4. Missing the Music: I was always involved with the music and worship. The last worship band I had rocked! I loved playing and singing with them. We had some great times and even made a CD together that's pretty good. Putting my guitar away after I left the church felt like losing a part of myself, and I never imagined that picking it up again would feel so complicated and emotionally charged. 5. Missing the Support: When I and my family went through difficult times, we always always had people around us who cared and actually did something about it. We've been given food, money, babysitting, cars, rides, help moving, prayers, company, words, vacations‚you name it. The church also made it easy for us to be generous and give. Now we're on our own, and the difference is noticeable. We are learning to be self-sufficient and generous independently. 6. Missing the Sense of Destiny: The last denomination I was involved with was the Vineyard. Prophetic words, words of wisdom, dreams and visions are a huge part of that culture. My life had meaning and a sense of purpose. I woke up every morning pretty much knowing what I had to do and where my life was heading. I had a destiny! Even though I now believe most of that was hype, I did enjoy living in that matrix of illusion. Then I took the red pill. Oh my! 7. Missing the Constant Validation: When you are in the church, you get a very strong sense that you are on the gospel train. You are doing the right thing being counted among the people of God. You are a member, and that gives you a sense of assurance that you are indeed saved, that God has his eye on you and that you are on the right track. When you get off that train, you have to build your own sense of assurance that you are okay, and that is an arduous but necessary task. 8. Missing the Activities: I have so much more time on my hands since I left the church. Frankly, I have time to get bored. I remember my first Sunday morning not going. I went for a walk around the time when cars where driving by on their way to church. Did I ever feel strange! It was hard not feeling like a delinquent. A sinner. I've gotten used to it to the point now where I relish my Sunday mornings. But that's not all. When you involve yourself with the church, it can become like a family with its 24/7 demands. Now I have to be self-directed. But I'm learning. 9. Missing the Children's Programs: Even though Lisa and I are learning our new way of life, we always worry about our children. They are amazing young adults now. But they have been exposed to all the crap that's been dealt out to us, and their impression of church is not rosy. We never slam the church in front of them, but they aren't stupid. They catch on. We don't want them erroneously believing that this means we are enemies of religion, the church, faith, or spirituality. They each have their own brilliant expressions of spirituality, but it's been forged by fire. Sometimes ours. 10. Missing the Feeling of Belonging: I fight hard for the church. Some people mistake it for me fighting hard against it. When pressed, I still say my family of origin is Christianity and that I love the church. I totally believe in the right of people to gather together volitionally, but in a healthy manner‚which is rare. I am also for spiritual independence. It saddens me when people assume that because I've left the church I am no longer in the game. When I was in the church, my voice was criticized as biting the hand that fed me. Now it is criticized as not deserving to critique something I'm not a part of. Can't win. 11. Missing My Parents Being Proud of Me: Even though I've lived away from my family home for all of my adult life, they still played a role in my leaving the church. It was difficult for me because not only was I leaving the church. I was leaving the ministry. This would be a great disappointment for some of my family. Leaving the church was disappointing for them too. But my family was pretty fair with me. However, for some people, their families can make it incredibly difficult and painful. I know some people whose families totally cut them off because they left the church. The implicit and sometimes explicit pressure to stay in spite of what you know is good for you is incredible. Please understand that even though most of these are really good reasons to stay in the church, most often they come at a price. Like the rabbits of Watership Down who were well fed by the farmer. But the deal was the farmer could occasionally harvest some of them for food and fur. In this case, none of the good the church offers is worth it for me. Do these reasons apply to you? Or, do you have other reasons?

Advice on Making Friends after Leaving the Church

When we leave the church, one of the hardest challenges is building new relationships. Losing most, if not all, of the friends we had is often part of the process. I’ve been through it, learned a lot, and want to share my experiences and advice with you. Change your expectations. When we’re in the church, we’re handed a whole network of friends to love and groups to join. If you came from a church that encouraged small groups or intimate fellowship, the level of closeness you experienced there cannot be replicated on the same scale in the real world. And honestly, that’s okay. Many of us leave behind an unnatural intensity of intimacy that often proves to be unhealthy. In the real world, it’s normal to have only a few close friends, a wider circle of just friends, and a larger group of acquaintances. This “normal” is not only manageable but also fulfilling. Adjusting to this dynamic is key to finding satisfaction in new friendships. Wean yourself off of unhealthy relationships. Church culture often requires us to be constantly open, honest, and vulnerable, leaving little room for privacy. Many friendships felt genuine but were ultimately conditional on conformity to the group’s beliefs and expectations. When you leave the church, these relationships often dissolve, revealing their fragile foundation. In the real world, authenticity means being yourself without fear of rejection because of nonconformity. Now, you have the freedom to choose who you surround yourself with. Prioritize healthy, supportive relationships over toxic or purpose-driven ones. Say goodbye to the idea that every relationship must have an explicit or hidden agenda. Do the work Building genuine friendships takes effort. In the church, friendships were often provided on a platter, with regular gatherings, shared beliefs, and structured opportunities to connect. Outside the church, you have to take the initiative. Lisa and I discovered that if we didn’t reach out, friendships rarely developed. Most people are busy or unsure of how to initiate relationships. If we saw potential in a friendship, we actively pursued it with intention and persistence. Initiating contact, scheduling time to meet, and nurturing relationships take planning and commitment, but the rewards are worth it. Practical Steps for Making Friends Don’t Take It PersonallyIf someone doesn’t reciprocate your efforts to connect, it’s usually because they’re busy, shy, or afraid. If they consistently refuse without a good reason, move on. Friendships should feel mutual and enjoyable, not one-sided. Schedule It InLife is busy, so make plans and stick to them. Reach out with specific suggestions, like, “What are you doing Saturday morning? Want to meet us for brunch?” Restore Old FriendshipsRekindle connections with people you’ve lost touch with. A simple, “We’ve been thinking about you and wondered if you’d like to get together” can go a long way. Pick Up CluesIf someone hints at wanting to connect, follow up! Take opportunities as they come, or they may pass you by. Choose Neutral Places Sometimes it’s easier to meet outside your home to reduce the pressure of hosting. Suggest meeting at a restaurant or café where everyone can relax. Extend InvitationsWhen you meet new people through mutual friends or events, invite them to hang out again. Building friendships starts with small gestures. Keep It UpMaintaining friendships takes consistent effort. Check in with people regularly and make plans to stay connected. DetoxifyLet go of relationships that are toxic or draining. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who accept and uplift you. Go to EventsAttend social activities like art gallery openings, local concerts, or community events. These can be great opportunities to meet new people. Appreciate the FewMost people have only a handful of close friends, and that’s normal. Cherish those connections and continue to nurture the  Loneliness can feel overwhelming after leaving the church, but it doesn’t have to define your future. Making friends in the real world requires intentionality and effort, but it’s incredibly rewarding. You don’t need to long for the days when a built-in network of friends was handed to you. You can create meaningful connections that are authentic and healthy—on your own terms. Happy friending!  

Navigating Friends, Finances, and Fun After Leaving the Ministry

Friends, Fun and Finances. Lisa and I call these the 3 F's. When Lisa and I left the ministry and, as it ends up, the church in 2010, we came to the conclusion that we had some work to do on our personal lives. The reason? We felt we'd been living under a heavy wet blanket for a long time, just being Christians who were a part of a fairly conservative strand of Christianity, the Vineyard Movement. But, we had also experienced the feeling of living in a fishbowl, which obviously goes with being in the ministry. When we left, we were free! But how were we going to live free practically? We call them the three Fs: friends, finances, and fun. How Do We Make Friends When we were in the church, it provided our friends. When we left, our friendships mostly ended. It's been really hard and intentional work, but now after eight years we have friends we can call on to get together with or who call us to hang out. These friendships were earned, not awarded, and they feel a lot richer. What Do We Do With Our Finances Most pastors struggle financially. We were among them. Many Christians struggle with money. In fact, when I quit, we had filed for personal bankruptcy. I knew when I left the ministry I had a huge learning curve ahead of me of overcoming my limiting beliefs about business and success, as well as my negative attitudes about money. I think I've officially graduated from that course now. It was a tough one. How Can We Have Fun The church used to be our center of activity. Every event had a purpose, an intention, a vision, a goal, a meaning. Now, we're learning how to just enjoy ourselves just have fun without there needing to be a mission, without it needing to be a witness, or needing to be fruitful, or needing to be godly. We just have fun for fun's sake. Completely selfish. Our goal is to be happy. And‚is it ever fun! I must tell you though: this took me years to accomplish, and that's with continued therapy and coaching. How about you? Are you working on building healthy friendships, finances, and fun?

10 Reasons Why Sexual Assault Thrives in the Church

We here so many stories of sexual assault happening in the church. People used to say it was rare. But I think the internet providing a voice for so many people who never had means or methods to amplify their stories has made all the difference in the world. Now anybody anywhere anytime can share their story of abuse or assault and be heard and maybe even see justice done! Churches still try to sweep it under the rug. Like this cartoon: (Click on image to get a digital download, or click HERE!) 10 Reasons Why Sexual Assault Thrives in the Church I think sexual assault thrives in the church for many reasons. But here are my top 10: The Bible assigns women and children as the property of men. Since men are the head of the house and all things, their needs are priority. It's biblically instituted that women are to be temptresses and stumbling blocks. Sexual sin is shameful, therefore buried and denied. It's explicit that women are to remain silent, so no reporting. Women can't be trusted, so don't believe them. Absolutely everything is to be forgiven and forgotten. Repentance fixes everything. Reconciliation with offenders is not just compulsory but noble. The church refuses to evict anyone with power. Read more about narcissism in the church in this post. If this is happening or has happened to you in the church, get out now, find someone to talk to, and decide whether legal action needs to be taken.

How Disappointment Is Used To Control People

Our pastor is the kindest man you could ever meet. And in my opinion he's the best pastor in the world. He works hard to make us better Christians. He says he works 24/7 and I believe him. How does he get a break when he's basically on call all the time? And it's all for his people. He sacrifices himself for us. Not everyone appreciates what he's got going here. I once brought a friend to a service and he said that he didn't like how he yelled and screamed and turned red and sweated when he preached. He thought he was a control freak and found it all too. Triggering. Whatever that means. He said it was spiritual abuse. Whatever that is. He has no idea because he doesn't know our pastor like we know him. He really loves us and wants the best for us. He's just like a good father who spanks his children... it hurts him more than it hurts us. Even though it really does hurt, he reminds us that it was we who broke his heart and therefore God's heart and we had no idea how much pain and sorrow we caused. I'd hoped that my friend would be moved to repentance too but instead he hardened his heart even further. His blindness shocked me. I should have listened to my pastor long ago when he said he's not good for me. Now I'm ashamed to say I believe him. I repented to him for waiting until I had proof my friend was a bad influence before breaking fellowship with him. I never learn. Which is why we absolutely need him. He reminds us we are wayward sheep so we must be contrite and should not delay. Jesus could come back any day now so we need to be ready. This is why he fires both barrels when he teaches us. We are in peril and there's no time to lose. I say bring it on! He makes us faithful and obedient. Isn't that what we want? Isn't that the goal? I mean, look at the results! The church is doing great because everyone gives above and beyond their regular tithes and offerings. He makes us give generously. As we should! I'm glad he does because otherwise I would keep what belongs to the Lord and hinder God's blessings. Plus, we all work hard. There's no lack of volunteers for Sunday School teachers and greeters and women working in the kitchen at the potlucks and other events and men maintaining the building and going over to renovate his house and even the youth are constantly out canvasing the neighborhood to witness to people and invite them to church. Everything runs smoothly because he makes sure they do. Now that's a good leader! No, he's not a taskmaster. He's just not! He doesn't have a gun to my head forcing me to do things against my will. Just because we do everything that's expected, as we should, it doesn't mean it isn't voluntary. No, he pleads with us until he breaks our stubborn wills so that we actually want to do what he tells us. As he should, he makes us ashamed of our sinfulness and stubbornness and laziness which is a good thing because it drives us to repentance for our evil ways. As we should. He loves us all so much and cares for us so much that it would break his heart if we didn't  repent and do what he guides us to do. We know he loves us because he tells us he does. So we do exactly what he guides us to do because it makes him happy which makes God happy. Which is what we must want. I mean, isn't this how you parent? If I get angry with my kids they just wait 'til it blows over. But if I look really sad and hurt and show how much they've disappointed me and how they basically spat on my expectations and how they've crushed my dreams and wounded my soul‚ well that just kills them and sometimes even makes them cry. As it should. Speaking of crying, this reminds me. Just last Sunday our pastor cried in front of everybody. That's right! He cried! A man! Why? Because he heard some people in the church were talking about how controlling he was and it just tore him apart. Why would they do that to him? He did nothing to deserve that. I confess, it made me angry that such ungrateful people would hurt his feelings. So he invited people, with tears, that if they didn't like it here they were free to leave. So leave now! Nobody left. We all stayed. Because whiners and complainers are cowards who resent being told what's good for them! After his passionate sermon, where he preached about how their pastor Moses was on the holy mountain with God but the Israelites made the golden calf and caroused in sin and then were destroyed for their rebellion when Moses came down and caught them, we all went up to the front where he beseeched us to humbly get on our knees before him as a gesture of submission to God and repent of our rebellion and to renew our vows to serve the church wholeheartedly and without question and to totally trust the leader that God had assigned us. Every single one of us did it. We all cried! We didn't hear of any complaints after that. Listen‚ I know how stubborn and sinful I am. I'm deeply flawed and broken. He reminds us of that every single week and at every single meeting. As he should. And I don't want to fool around with that. I'm so ashamed of my sinfulness. As I should be. I should be more serious about my faith. So I really appreciate him motivating me week after week to live up to his expectations of me. After all, he knows best! I mean, isn't this why God gives us pastors‚ because we are hopelessly lost and need divine direction? We can't hear God's voice like he does. He's the one who got all the education, training, and experience to be my spiritual father. I need him to have authority over my unruly heart. I need him to raise his voice to get my attention. I need him to compel me to do what he knows I should do. I need him to make me a perfect vessel of God's will, which is what I should desire with all my heart, soul, and mind. Because he loves me. I absolutely know he does! Or he wouldn't care about every single little detail of my life! Right? I mean, just like the Lord, nothing escapes his attention. Nor should it! We will be held accountable for every single sin, both great and small. He's so Spirit-filled that he has more zeal for my life than I do! So I'm forever indebted to him for that. As I should be. We just can't disappoint him. That would really sadden him just like it would really sadden God. And we shouldn't want that to happen.Should we!? Further Reading On Abusive Pastors  Understanding Narcissistic PastorsWhen Preachers are Predators

Does the Mormon Church Bully People?

Does the Mormon Church Bully People? I often get emails and messages from people who have left or are still in the Mormon Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm frequently reminded that, apparently, there are many Mormons, and many in Utah, who follow my blog, read my posts, and appreciate my cartoons. Anonymously. Yes. (Click on the cartoon Mormon Bully for a digital download of it.) Those who have the nerve to contact me tell me that they have to keep this a secret because if it was ever discovered that they were critical of the Mormon Church, they would suffer dearly for it. This is not uncommon for many Christians in many churches other than Mormon. An ex-Mormon (which I'm learning is something very difficult to become) contacted me and asked if I could do a cartoon about abuse with the Angel of Moroni on the steeple, as well as an LGBTQ person and an elderly person with a cane. I'm sending her the original drawing today. (Did you know you can commission me for a cartoon or drawing too. Just go here and choose what you want!) Lots of people in lots of churches are being bullied and controlled by those churches. Including Mormon ones. 

10 Signs You Might Be in an Abusive Situation

Are you in a situation where you never know when the axe is going to come down? Do you want to know if you are living under abuse or not?     10 questions you can ask yourself to find out if you're in an abusive situation. Are you living under perpetual fear of harm? I don't just mean physically. I also mean emotionally, spiritually, or in any other way. Are you nervous in the presence of leadership that you can't seem to trust? When we feel anxious in the presence of someone who claims they are in authority over us, that's an indication that we don't trust them with our vulnerable lives. Are you watching other people get hurt by authority? Sometimes we have to see others being abused in our circle before we realize it's actually happening to us too! Are you anxious that you might be next?Do you feel you're going to get "called into the office" any day now? Are you afraid of the consequences for stepping out of line? If you constantly have to watch your step, like you're walking on eggshells, then it isn't a safe environment for you. Is it? Are you lacking the confidence you feel you need to lead yourself? Leaders love submissiveness. And the most submissive people are those who have no sense of self. Are you terrified that if you reject the abusive authority that you're going astray? Spiritual leaders will often invoke evil or even demons to scare you from wandering. They don't want you to leave, and they'll do anything to make you stay. Including terrifying you of the consequences. Are you waiting for someone else to rescue you? When we have totally lost our autonomy, that's when we start looking for rescue. The trust is, we can help ourselves. We just don't think we can. Are you hoping that maybe the abuse or threat of it will just stop? Maybe this won't last forever. But the truth is, abusive leaders rarely stop. If you can answer yes to any of these questions, then maybe it's time to lead yourself astray. That's my advice to you. I encourage spiritual independence. Check it out and set yourself free!

7 reasons why it's so scary to challenge Christian leaders

This is a review I gave for Jonathan Hollingsworth's book, Runaway Radical: A Young Man's Reckless Journey to Save the World. " I was gripped by this young man's story; I recognized my story in his. Jonathan, along with his mother Amy, describes the stress put on our kids to be amazing superheroes before they are simply human beings. In Jonathan's case, it was the pressure to be a radical follower of Jesus and sacrificial servant of the church, no matter what the cost. As Jonathan says, 'When spiritual growth is measured in intensity, the only direction you're permitted to go is off the deep end. To question your belief system is to backslide, so you're told that the only way to get better is to dive headfirst into those existing beliefs with more manic zeal than before.' This book provides poignant and powerful insights into the pressures on our youth to sacrifice their lives for ideals that aren't always ideal." He is young, and yet he chose to take on these leaders and expose their destructiveness through sharing his experiences. He is always in my thoughts because I know how much of a long-term struggle such a project can be. I've been there and done that, so I know exactly what it's like." Just sharing your experiences and observations about bad leaders is risky and scary business.Here's why: They will smear your reputation Even though you might criticize something they said or did, they will criticize your personality and make you out to be a terrible person, crazy, ambitious, a liar, abusive, or anything" else to make you seem sick and on a crazy mission. They will use money to control you They will do things that will require you to lose or spend money. Litigation, withholding pay, getting assistance, therapy, etc. They know the power of money over peoples' lives and will suck you dry knowing that when the money runs out so will your voice. They will make you look like the bad guy   They will turn it around to make you look like you are the bad guy and that they're the victims. They will gather sympathizers who take pity on them for being a Christian leader persecuted for their beliefs and ministries. They will make you second guess yourself They will claim that you are hurting the Bride of Christ, or causing trouble in the body, or" that your intentions are harmful to the church, or that you are wrecking peoples' lives. They will try to make you second guess yourself because they understand that any measure of self-doubt is a chink in your armor. It takes a long time to make change happen Bad leaders are like a very nasty virus It takes a lot of effort, work, and time, for them to change or stop. They're sticky and are resistant to normal treatment. They are" intransigent. You often have to be in it for the long haul to see any change. This quote from Martin Luther King, Jr., has helped me: The arch of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." Let's hope so!Those in power have a lot of support Those with power" seem to have unlimited support, both relationally and financially, to maintain a strong campaign against your efforts to expose and publish their abuses. They have tons of connections with power. You might be able to raise some support, but they are mostly powerless. It not only takes a certain amount of courage, but perseverance, to keep up the good fight. Every attempt will be made to silence you.All the above tactics will be employed to shut you up permanently. They want to continue unexposed, unhindered, and untouchable. If your voice in any way compromises or interferes with them, they will do whatever it takes to silence it. This is a commissioned cartoon I did for Jonathan. (If you would like to commission me to do a piece for you or someone you love, click HERE!) I know there are more, but these are the seven that come to my mind right now. Perhaps you could add to the list.