The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Your Marriage and Your Crisis of Faith
Does Changing Your Beliefs Change You? For people who were really devout believers, deconstruction or going though a crisis of faith is global in its application. I was just asking my wife Lisa about this. She is a nurse. I couldn’t think of the right word to explain how deconstruction affects our lives globally. I asked her what word they use in treatment of a disease. She said systemic: it’s when we treat the whole body at once rather than just one aspect of the disease’s manifestation. Yes! That’s exactly what it’s like. Because when we were those super-devout believers, our faith affected everything about our lives. Our beliefs weren’t just isolated thoughts, but were systemic: the way we related with other people, the way we talked, the way we thought, the way we ate, the way we parented, the way we spent our spare time, the way we had sex, the way we spent our weekends, the way we thought about tragedy, the way we prepared for death, the way we thought about the future, the way we used our money, the way we thought about morality, the way we‚well the way we did everything. Our devotion seeped into every little detail of our lives. So that when that belief system started to erode, it’s like the glue that holds our life together loses its grip and everything starts to fall apart. This is why deconstruction is not only an exciting time, but a frightening and even dangerous one. Exciting because we are growing deeper into our authenticity. Scary because we are losing the paradigm that made our lives meaningful. Dangerous because we are questioning the rules that kept our lives in check. Lisa and I made it. Barely. But we made it. And we’re better for it. We’re more authentic. Our lives make sense in more mysterious ways. And we’ve navigated the dangerous waters to arrive in a peaceful and loving place. Everything’s better! The sweet little Christian girl in the wedding photo behind them is gone. Forever. But a new person is on her way that will shine even brighter than before. It’s like gold. It looks dull at first. But fire exposes its essence and beauty.
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Impossible Wedding Vows: Would You or Did You Make Them?
Impossible Wedding Vows Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward BUY THIS CARTOON! Perhaps we wouldn't or didn't say these particular words. But I wonder if, for many of us, these weren't implicit in our expectations. None of us plan on changing our beliefs or losing our faith and morphing into a different person. And none of us hope our partners will change beyond recognition. BUT IT HAPPENS! What are you going to do when it does? I talk with people about this all the time. This is what I do! And here's what I say: When you love a person, you entrust them to their own spiritual journey.You can't predict or plan where you'll end up, or your partner.This is what makes love an adventure... both scary and exhilarating.
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What Your Family Thinks of You When You Stop Going to Church
Stopped Going to Church Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward
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Understanding Narcissistic Pastors and the Trap of Pastor Worship (Spiritual Abuse)
As if narcissists can ever be truly understood! But we must try in order to protect ourselves from them. Because narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse. The truth is that the ministry is a massive magnet for narcissists. It offers the perfect environment for someone who craves attention, authority, and unquestioned devotion. If you’ve ever felt like your soul was being crushed by a leader you were told to "adore," you aren't crazy, and you aren't alone. Let’s look at why narcissistic pastors are experts in spiritual abuse and how the dangerous culture of "pastor worship" keeps their systems running. What is a Narcissistic Pastor? First, let's be clear: not every pastor is a narcissist. But many of us have served under ones who definitely were. At its core, narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that a person ignores or devalues the needs of everyone around them. In a church setting, this manifests as a leader who behaves as though they possess the "divine right of kings." To them, they aren't just a leader; they are God's mouthpiece. This makes the members of the church their subjects rather than their community. I’ve seen it firsthand: these leaders believe they are uniquely empowered by God to treat people however they wish—and they will use "theology" to justify the damage they do. The Tactics: Using God for Their Purposes The endgame of any narcissistic leader is control. To get it, they use the most powerful tool in their arsenal: your faith. Like, this cartoon is not all that outlandish. Believe me! (Click on the image for a digital download or click HERE.) When a pastor uses "divine authority" to demand compliance, it is a form of spiritual gaslighting. They employ ideas that stress: The "untouchability" of God’s anointed. The unchallengeable nature of spiritual leadership. The idea that questioning the pastor is equivalent to questioning God. If you are told you must "trust the man of God" regardless of your own intuition or boundaries, you are in a high-demand control system. In any other context, we’d call it a cult. In the church, we often just call it "good leadership." The Danger of Pastor Worship Abuse in the church isn't always loud or obvious. It doesn't always look like screaming or scandal. Sometimes, the subtlest form of spiritual abuse is pastor worship. (Description: People are bowing at the feet of a proud pastor and one says, "Dear Pastor, we know you would never hurt us!") Have you ever been in a church where the pastor is absolutely adored? I’ve seen pastors carefully cultivate this adoration. They want the people to love them so much that the congregants would never dream of disappointing them. This creates a "cult of personality" where: Trust is total. You stop checking the fruit and start blindly following the vision. Disappointment is feared. You find yourself performing to stay in the leader's "good graces." Community is the bait. We all want to belong. Narcissistic leaders know this and position themselves as the gatekeepers of that community. (Click on the cartoon for a digital download of it!) The Toxic Blend: Why Good People Stay I want to defend something here: you are not gullible or stupid. I’m an intelligent person, and many people I know who’ve been trapped in these systems are also intelligent, well-adjusted people. We don't get stuck because we are weak; we get stuck because we want community. What happens is a toxic blend of systemic evil: A Narcissistic Leader (who wants to be the center). Good People (who want to belong). A Beautiful Idea (like "community" or "the mission"). When these three meet, people begin to lose themselves for the sake of the group. The leader becomes the "locus of fulfillment," and before you know it, the system exists only to serve the leader's ego. Don't Let Them Take Your Soul Narcissistic pastors will crush you if you let them. They will take your time, your money, and eventually, your very sense of self all while claiming it’s for "God’s glory." If you recognize these signs, the demand for adoration, the "divine right" to control, or the feeling that you are a subject rather than a member, listen to your gut. You do not owe your soul to a leader. You do not owe your life to a toxic system. Freedom begins when you realize that you don't need a middleman to get to God, and you certainly don't need to worship a man to find community. Protect your soul. Get out if you have to. You are worth it. Related Blog Posts 10 Signs That The Church Is NarcissisticWhat is Spiritual Abuse? And how to recognize when it is happening to you.What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?
Read moreHow to Recognize and Respond to Controlling Leaders in Churches
Have You Experienced a Controlling Leader? Many of us have encountered controlling church leaders. It’s one of the most telling signs of a controlling church, and pastors, unfortunately, can often be the worst offenders. These leaders use their spiritual authority to dominate and manipulate, disguising their actions as being for your own good. When I first encountered controlling leaders, I was so enchanted by them that I didn’t mind. “Enchanted” is the key word because it felt like I was spellbound and captivated. I didn’t realize what was happening until the veil was lifted, and I saw the truth. That moment of clarity was painful—I realized I had sacrificed myself on the altar of their power. I felt betrayed and disillusioned by the very people I trusted most. When I naively thought I could address these issues, it didn’t go well. Things always escalated quickly, but in hindsight, leaving those situations was better for me. Many of you reading this probably have similar stories. If you do, you’re not alone. Be Careful Challenging Controlling Leaders If you’ve ever considered challenging a controlling leader, here’s a word of caution: proceed carefully. Whether you’re on the leadership team, a staff member, or a congregant, confronting a controlling leader, especially in environments where spiritual abuse thrives, can have serious consequences. In my experience, challenging their authority often leads to termination or immense pressure to leave. This has happened to me multiple times. Whenever I brought up concerns about leaders being too controlling, it didn’t end well for me. You might think it’s my fault, and I’ll own my part, but the pattern remained: speaking up led to being pushed out. Here’s how I used to think: “I’m part of the team. Obviously, we all want the team to succeed. Constructive criticism should make us better, right? By addressing this leader’s micromanaging tendencies, I’ll help our community thrive. Surely, they’ll appreciate my input.” Wrong. Controlling leaders love being in control and are unwilling to relinquish it. That’s why they’re in those positions. They don’t see challenges as opportunities for growth but as threats to their authority. To better understand their behavior, read Understanding Narcissistic Pastors. What to Do If You Encounter a Controlling Leader If you find yourself dealing with a controlling leader, keep these tips in mind: Recognize the Signs Early: Controlling leaders often disguise their behavior as care or concern. Pay attention to patterns of micromanagement, manipulation, or power hoarding. 8 Warning Signs You're in a Controlling Church can help you identify these patterns. Protect Yourself: Before confronting them, consider the potential consequences. Ensure you have a plan in place if things don’t go well. Find Support: Connect with others who understand your situation. Whether it’s trusted friends, family, or a supportive community, having allies can make a big difference. Know When to Walk Away: Sometimes, the best decision is to leave. Staying in a toxic environment can harm your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being leading to lasting religious trauma. Learn from the Experience: Reflect on what happened and how you can grow. Use these lessons to recognize and avoid similar situations in the future. You’re Not Alone If you’ve experienced this, know you’re not alone. Many people have faced similar situations, and sharing your story can be a powerful way to heal and help others. Remember, your well-being matters, and you deserve to be part of a community that uplifts and respects you.
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Don't Surrender Your Right to Think
Don't Surrender Your Right to Think Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward Have you always been curious? Have you always wanted to understand? Have you always desired to know the truth? How many times has the verse, "Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge him" (Proverbs 3:5), been used to discourage you from thinking? Or how many times was the verse, "Where is the philosopher?... Has God not made foolish the wisdom of this world?" (1 Corinthians 1:20), been used to scare you away from reading philosophy or anything outside the Christian ghetto? How many times was the Bible used to make you stop thinking? For me? Many! The truth is, there is bad thinking.There is foolish thinking.There is unhealthy thinking.There is dangerous thinking.There is violent thinking.There is evil thinking. But a lot of it is religiously fueled and these very scriptures are used to endorse it.
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Will You Make Yourself a Black Sheep?
I have come to conclude that the biggest inhibitor to our personal growth is our fear of others. What they're going to think, how they're going to react, and how they're going to treat us. This is why I think those who go against the flow, who buck the system, and who opt out of the status quo are incredibly courageous. They decided to not only be themselves but live as themselves too. Why do I think this? Imagine if everyone around you were like this: Come on! You can do it! You can be yourself. You can live your own life. We're here for you and support you all the way no matter what!. We love you unconditionally and we mean that. We love you now and we'll love you then! Become who you are! Be yourself! Live your life now. We will never leave you or forsake you. We promise! Imagine if your family and friends all said that. (I say imagine because most people have to imagine it because it doesn't happen for them in real life!) But imagine if they did. Would you feel more courageous to change? Most of you would say yes. This is why I think fear of rejection is the #1 inhibitor to our personal growth. Courage is acting in the face of fear. The fear may always be there. But I've seen so many people rise up to fulfill who they're meant to be and how they're meant to live in spite of the opposition. They made themselves black sheep. And you know what? They're so much happier for it. If you've got that 'that's me!' feeling, you can get this reminder to own your uniqueness as a sticker.
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Do You Go to Church to Make Family Happy?
Do You Go to Church to Make Family Happy? I drew this cartoon because I know a lot of people who are in this situation. (Click on image to get a digital download.) Easter’s coming and many people who are deconstructing return home to their parents who still go to church. Parents who still go to church love it when their kids go to church with them. If you do go to church, it would mean you’ll rededicate your life and get right with God again you’re keeping your family together rather than tear it apart you’ll make your parents the happiest people in the world you’ll avert painful discussions all weekend about why you don’t go you’ll prove to your parents’ church that you’re not a humiliation you’re not the sinner everyone concluded you were you’ll be taking steps to prevent yourself from going to Hell. So, what do you do? Stay home while your parents and family go to church?Or go? Here’s what I suggest to those who ask: If going is not too triggering, and if the church or a person there has not already harmed you, and if you can sacrifice a couple of hours,and if the cost is worth the gain,and if it is by far the easiest way out,you can go. But it’s up to you. I’ve always said, Choose your battles!‚If this one’s worth fighting for you, then fight it. But if it’s not, then don’t. Some people find that stopping going to church is the first and easiest way of coming out spiritually to their family. You’re free! You’re free to fight this fight or to postpone it for a better day.This is your life. You get to decide how to live it.You get to choose when to engage and when to not.
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