The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
8 LGBTQIA Cartoons for Pride Month - Video
Why I draw LGBTQIA Cartoons I draw a cartoon every day and many of my cartoons, not just those drawn in June, reflect on the relationship between LGBTQIA people and the Church. I draw LGBTQIA cartoons all year round because I feel they represent the marginalized, the rejected, the ridiculed, the persecuted. This is where the battle is right now because it betrays a profound misunderstanding of what love is and what community is. It goes against the basic reality that we are all one and that we are all connected and that even though we are one, it is a multitude of diversities within that oneness. I like drawing cartoons that on the one-hand validate and encourage and affirm those who are marginalized, and the other-hand challenge those who do the marginalizing. That is why my cartoons arouse both hatred and gratitude. The marginalized are grateful they are being represented, defended, and that there are people working to make this world reflect the reality of oneness and love. But there are people who hate them because they think these people deserve to be rejected and excluded. That's why I do what I do! When people see a picture and absorb it under a second, it has a powerful impact. It's not like they can say, "Well I didn't read it" or "I don't agree with it". They have seen it with their eyes and it's no longer just a figment of the imagination. Where Jesus is loving a gay man or where a church is rejecting a gay person or a trans person. It exposes that hatred and that divisiveness that totally goes against what we know to be true - that we are all one and that we're all deeply connected at a fundamental level. I want these cartoons to help people see that they deserve to be seen, accepted, and loved everywhere and every day. And here are 8 LGBTQIA cartoons for Pride Month. 1. Swinging Transgender Lamb Digital Cartoon It takes two to play on the swing: the person who is swinging and the person who is pushing their friend to swing higher. This is true in life as well. In order to fly high and live life to the fullest, you need your support system to push you and make you smile. 2. LGBTQ Bicycle Cartoon Life is a journey – you’re learning who you are, who you love, who you want to be one day. And for many, the journey is hard and lonely. In this cartoon, Jesus and a rainbow sheep are riding a bicycle made for two. The sheep isn’t alone and they couldn’t be more happy! 3. Rough Times in a Rough Bar Cartoon I’ve heard so many stories about LGBTQIA people getting harassed in bars. In this cartoon, the LGBTQIA sheep sits with Jesus. They’re just trying to enjoy their drinks but the white sheep won’t leave them alone. Normally in this situation, the LGBTQIA person feels outnumbered and alone. However, Jesus is there with him through every second of it. 4. Invite Into Our Lives Cartoon People spend a long time considering whether or not to include LGBTQIA people. When in reality, queer people were never given a choice. Despite their hated and violence, LGBTQIA people have accepted and welcomed the straights into their lives. Do you see the irony? 5. Images of Christ Collage Print This collage combines 16 Images of Christ to capture the idea that there are many interpretations and reconciliations of Christ. From Christ as a woman to Christ as a refugee, the Images of Christ celebrate diversity, empathy, and inclusion. 6. Only God Can Judge Cartoon What happens when the megachurches lose sight of God? In this cartoon, the church is fully aware that God is not around but offers to pass judgment on the LGBTQIA sheep anyway. This cartoon points out that the types of churches that caste out and discriminate are the same churches that have lost sight of God. 7. Yay Yay We're Here to Stay Trans Cartoon Despite all of the hatefulness and danger to trans people in the world at the moment, these trans sheep are stopping to celebrate the ground they’ve gained. They aren’t there yet but every time a trans person is addressed with their proper pronouns and treated with the same dignity given to everybody else, the trans community gets to take a step toward inclusion and equality. 8. Jesus Skates with the LGBTQ Sheep Cartoon Blades of Glory takes on a new meaning in this cartoon where an LGBTQIA sheep holds Jesus in the air. It's full of movement and life and togetherness. Skating alone is no fun but, thanks to the discriminatory world we live in, some people have no choice. However, this sheep has found a friend who is always there to make them feel seen, accepted and loved. I believe everyone belongs. That's what these cartoons are about, and it's the message I'll keep drawing every day. If you're with me and want a small reminder grab one of my LGBTQ+ decals .
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10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse
I receive many complaints when I talk about spiritual abuse in the church. They say my criticism is unfair because spiritual abuse is so rare. But they’re wrong. I continue addressing it because I believe millions of people experience spiritual abuse at the hands of their churches and its leadership. It’s real and prevalent and happening right now. Plus, the number of grateful messages I receive far outweighs the number of naysaying ones, so I’ll continue talking about it in order to help those who want to escape abuse and heal from it. I believe this was my very first spiritual abuse cartoon, from all the way back in 2008. It's titled, Church's Policy on Abuse, and it's available as a digital download. Before I proceed, I want you to know that I address this with three credentials: I inflicted spiritual abuse as a pastor; I received spiritual abuse as a church member; I care for many victims and survivors of spiritual abuse. There’s also a premise I believe I should warn you about:I claim that all institutions are breeding grounds for abuse. Their gravitational pull is toward the inhumane treatment of its members. By institutions I mean everything from the smallest, like a marriage, to some of the largest, like the church.Because it is such hard and relentless work to prevent this gravitational pull from occurring within these institutions, it’s much easier to just ignore it, to just let it continue, or to just use it to achieve the results the abusers want from it.Often, the leadership of churches, and sometimes even the congregations themselves, desire the results that spiritual abuse can achieve… things like obedience, complicity, control, and order. The lack of chaos is most highly desired, and abuse is one way to achieve it. Leaders know this. I believe the church is an institution that can experience the gravitational pull towards the dehumanization of its members. The church is a perfect culture for spiritual abuse to occur. So, here’s a list explaining why this is so: The church silences abuse in order to protect their ministries.I’m often accused of slandering the church and casting a shadow on its ministry. Actually, the abuse is what slanders and casts a shadow on the church, not its exposure. Many believe that sacrifices must be made to perpetuate the gospel. No pain no gain! If we must suffer to spread the gospel and grow the church, then so be it. If the end is a glorious church and the means is a person hurt here or there, then it was worth it. So it’s best to not talk about it. Parents entrust themselves and their children to leaders without question. I live in Canada where churches are required to have at least two adults present with children in order to lower the risk of abuse. Churches also have insurance policies to handle abuse allegations. Nevertheless, too many parents, even of teenagers in their church’s youth group, trust the leadership unquestionably. The number of stories of abuse and even assault that occur in Sunday Schools and youth groups are astounding. Parents should assume responsibility for their children at all times and not blindly trust spiritual leaders with the safety of their children. The church nurtures a victim culture. It works in two ways. First, it starts with verses like “turn the other cheek” and “do good to them that hate you” that the church uses to instill and nurture a victim mentality in its membership… that they should take abuse without complaint. Second, if anyone does complain about abuse, the accused and usually the entire congregation will claim that you aren’t on board, you’re not with the program, or you’re resisting the Spirit. Women are accused of having a Jezebel spirit and men are accused of being weak and divisive. This effectively silences any allegation of abuse. Christians trust their leaders, even to their own peril.I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the threat, “Touch not God’s anointed!” It’s from when King David executed a man for claiming to smite Saul, even though Saul was in the wrong. This makes a person in ministry essentially untouchable. Yes, even if they’re doing wrong! If God called them to do what they’re doing, who are we to question it? So many stories from the Bible are about flawed human characters whom God nevertheless uses for his purposes, lifting them above criticism. Today’s spiritual leaders often claim this same immunity. Church leaders enjoy an incredible lack of accountabilitySome people claim that abuse happens in more loosely organized churches because their leaders aren’t accountable to a higher authority. But if you take a quick look at the level of sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church, which is highly organized with many layers of authority and accountability, you will realize the emptiness of this argument. Again, I assert that abuse happens in all institutions. The lack of accountability I’m talking about here is that many people naïvely trust leaders to not do bad things, so they assume they don’t. Plus, keeping someone accountable for something that’s done in secret is almost impossible. Most of the spiritual leaders (and other kinds) I’ve known and have heard of are unwilling to submit themselves to any kind of close scrutiny. Especially from the people they lead. The church ghettoizes itself and presumes immunity from its critics.You’ve heard the saying, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!” The same applies to the church: What happens in the church stays in the church! Most congregations consider themselves as a kind of family. It would go against the unspoken family code to speak about anything negative going on on the inside to those outside. “It’s private. This is none of your business. We’ll handle it.” I know this firsthand. When I was a pastor, people were disappointed and even shocked that I would criticize the church. They accused me of biting the hand that fed me. “If you don’t like it, leave!” Then, when I did leave and continue my critique of the church, people were disappointed and shocked that I would dare criticize something I wasn’t a part of or invested in because they believed I’d lost my right to say anything by no longer being a member. This is the prevailing attitude about any criticism, from within or without. The church prefers forgive and forget over restitution and reparationLike all institutions, one of the church’s primary concerns is survival. Many churches think the fastest way to restore order is to forgive the perpetrator and forget the incident and move on. Especially when it comes to leadership because we all know how disruptive this would be. Congregations generally consider constantly dealing with complaints of abuse as a nuisance rather than as an important way to work towards an authentic and healthy community. It’s faster to ignore it and move on than to deal with the intense and often lengthy process of repentance, reparation, and restoration. Criticizing and judging is explicitly unchristian and implicitly forbiddenWe’ve all been told that we should not judge others. Have you ever criticized someone in authority and the response you get is something like, “Who are you to talk? You’re not perfect either!”? Originally given as an inspiration to be humbly self-aware, it’s now used by perpetrators to insulate themselves against being called out on their abuse. When we think of judging others, we should understand that this means we ought not condemn others to a life-sentence. This does not mean we should not use discernment to detect abuse when it occurs. Even when someone is doing some good work, if they are harming others in the process, this should be called out and dealt with. Appealing to the secular courts is categorically unbiblicalPaul chastises the Corinthian church for taking each other to secular court. He insists that such things should be taken care of in-house. This one verse is used over and over again to prevent victims of abuse and assault from valid legal recourse. Churches prefer to keep it in the family rather than airing their dirty laundry for the whole world to see. They are concerned about damaging their reputation and the church’s testimony. In fact, even though there are laws stating that cases of sexual assault against a minor be reported, many churches presume they are above this rule and can and should handle it themselves. Many Christians can’t believe their leaders would harm them.As a pastor I was often surprised by the unquestionable loyalty and even adoration I would receive from some people. I felt it was uncalled for and unearned. The presumption people made was that if I was a pastor, I must be a wonderful person and could be totally trusted. I am a nice guy, and this only fed into their presumption. But, when I thought about it, I too served under certain spiritual leaders who impressed me. I too got caught up in the presumptions of their greatness that their charisma only helped to fuel. When they did eventually hurt me, at first I denied it was happening… until I could deny it no longer. I simply couldn’t believe they would do that to me. To this day it still baffles me. This is, sadly, the experience of most victims of abuse. Many church leaders are unaware of the concept of systemic evil within systems like the church. Many disagree with the idea of systemic evil because how could “the Bride of Christ” be guilty of this? But this willful blindness only allows it to continue unabated. I insist that it is important to recognize this tendency in institutions toward the dehumanizing of its members and that we need to work hard constantly to prevent this from happening.But, here’s a strange thing about spiritual abuse. I tell stories of the spiritual abuse I received. I now recognize my complicity in it. No, I’m not blaming myself for the abuse. But I do see that I was in such a place that I allowed it to happen to me while I didn’t recognize it, denied it, or wouldn’t believe it. Maybe I thought I was being spiritual disciplined, or maybe I was being obedient and submissive to authority, or being loyal, or maybe I was being mentored, or just being persuaded, or just experiencing tough love. Now I realize it was abuse. Plain and simple. This is why I claim the church is a perfect culture for abuse. It potentially provides a protected place for predators, abusers, and bullies to hurt others, and it potentially provides a dangerous place where vulnerable people can get hurt.If you are you experiencing this, you can escape, you can be free, and you can be healed.
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How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstruction
What do you do when you and your partner no longer agree on fundamental spiritual beliefs? I know all about it. Lisa (my wife) and I were there. This is our story. Maybe it can help you. For years, even decades, we were pretty much on the same page. Then, as deconstruction set in and our beliefs and theology began to undergo a dramatic and traumatic shift, we drifted apart. We used to be so much on the same page we were indiscernible. There was never any thought about feeling different. There was no concern about arguing things through to an agreeable position. There was never the effort to compromise our beliefs or values. It really hit us when we left the ministry and the church in 2010. It was then we realized we were no longer on the same page spiritually. Sometimes it felt like she went her way and I went mine. She went to get her nursing degree and I went to teach at a university. We used to share the same beliefs, spirituality, and church life. We were joined at the hip. Then we weren't. It felt strange and scary! We didn’t know how to be together. We didn’t even know how to talk. The glue we assumed held us together (a mixture of being on the same page of belief, being in ministry together, and being a part of a community of believers) disintegrated. We had to figure out, if we wanted our marriage to survive, how to stay together. What was the real glue of our relationship that had lasted over 30 years? There are some basic ingredients that helped our marriage survive spiritual deconstruction 1. Memory and positivity We remembered the good things. We recalled what drew us together, what attracted us to each other, and what we loved (and still love) about each other. That's the essence of a relationship. For me, I'll be honest, I was first attracted to Lisa because she was the hottest girl on campus. Then, when I started to get to know her, I was attracted to her feistiness, her strong will and independence, her deep wisdom, and her zest for life. Her beliefs weren't even on the list.Even though we’ve changed so much since then, Lisa still possesses those same essential attributes, including still being hot, and that's what makes her so desirable to me and contributes to our sturdy relationship. Always has. Figuring out our different beliefs is a game played upon this sturdy board. 2. Help and support We got help. Counselors, therapists, coaches. You name it, we did it. We read good books on marriage (I even wrote one). Get my favorite here. We hung out with other healthy couples and supportive friends who model real, judgement-free love. We learned how to renegotiate and to communicate openly and without judgement. And now that we’re in a good place, we realise that a shift in our beliefs was actaully a good and natural thing. Perhaps before deconstruction, we were so enmeshed that we weren't really individuals? Maybe before, even though we were very happy, we were kind of codependent on one another and lacked a healthy autonomy? (Click on image for a digital download of it, or click here.) 3. Communication and effort We embraced change as not only inevitable but preferable. And to do that meant consistently making an effort. We tried to explain and communicate what we we going through, even when we didn’t understand it ourselves. We helped eachother process the unpacking of our crumbling beliefs and through it all we had to show appreciation in whatever little ways we could. We kept romance alive even when the fire wasn't there. We went on dates. I bought flowers. We set up times to discuss things. And it’s ongoing. For me, it means getting treats for Lisa even in the midst of apparent disagreement. It means going for walks together. It means sitting down and intentionally having a difficult conversation. It means enjoying sex‚ where theology isn't invited. 4. Grace and trust Even though it was hard, I had grace for myself and grace for Lisa. We tried and tried again not to judge eachother. Why? Because in marital storms, you need to remeber that you're not watching a snapshot, you're watching a movie. You're observing the wonderful unfolding of an individual's life in remarkable ways... yours and your spouse's. Trust that your partner knows what's best for themselves, just like you're trusting yourself to know what's best for you. The journey of explorers is never in a straight line, but zigzagging all over the place, sometimes back, sometimes forward, but always towards the destination, whatever that is‚ which you don't know until you get there. We are strange and wonderful human beings. Appreciate that! Be as gracious as you were with each other in your earliest days. Patience and hope When deconstruction set in for Lisa and me, it was frightening. We had never navigated these waters before. They were strange, dangerous, and completely unpredictable. We had to paddle by the seat of our pants because not much had been written about this stuff before. No one told us, for example, that it was going to be a couple of years before we would start feeling stable or even in love again. There were times, literally, when bags were packed and we were heading our separate ways. I hate recalling those moments because we nearly ended a really good thing. I had friends advising me to just do what made me happy. But I didn't trust myself. I was confused. So, I cam to an important realisation that I share with others: Do NOT make a decision during confusing times. Wait for clarity! I'm so glad I did. Lisa and I waited for clarity. It took years, but it was so worth it. We held out in hopes that things would get better. And they did. Nurturing our marriage through religious deconstruction was hard but worth it One of the most difficult challenges I ever undertook was to deconstruct my beliefs and stay married. Honestly, there were many times Lisa and I didn't think we were going to make it. But we did. And I'm so grateful.We're still together and better than we've ever been as a married couple. We got through the desert and found an oasis on the other side of it. We're good. Really good. We've been married 37 years and the romance is still alive! Through our deconstruction, we have gained the wisdom to realize that love keeps us together, not compatibility. We have found humility to embrace the other in all their profound complexity. And we rediscovered the power of love, the glue that joined us together so many years ago and keeps us together still. I always provide a disclaimer with the topic of religious deconstruction and marriage Some marriages don't make it. Some people decide they were never meant to be married in the first place, or realize that their marriage was never a good one to start with, or decide that there's just too much damage done to repair it. All these reasons, and more, are valid. I support people through these painful transitions as well. And I see many of them come through the other side of separation and divorce as happier and healthier people with a hopeful life ahead of them. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving. Read more about Can A Marriage Survive Changing Beliefs?
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Have you left the church but it hasn’t let you go?
Have you left the church but it hasn’t let you go? I left the ministry in 2010 and switched my membership to occasional visitor. Weddings. Funerals. Feel like it. However, I talk about the church every.single.day. This bothers some people. They say, “You can’t criticize the church if you’re not a part of it!” Funny, because they used to say, “You shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you!” I also have people say to me, “You can take the boy out of the church but you can’t take the church out of the boy!” as if I have a problem. Actually: I love the church and would love to see it function in a healthy manner. I believe the church has dropped the ball on people who want to grow beyond the confines that the church allows. I want to help both the churches who want to be healthy and those who want to grow beyond it. In fact, this is what I do. So, yes, I keep talking about the church for these reasons. And I love it.
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God at the Gay Pride Parade
I attended a gay pride parade some years ago in Dallas, Texas, and I must say it was one of the happiest and most remarkable events I’ve ever attended. It inspired this cartoon, God and Gay Pride. Do you know what first started challenging my theology about gays? I was in a hot tub with friends and a couple of gay men joined us. After they found out I was a pastor, they were not shy at all about sharing their experiences of being kicked out of their church, being ostracized by their community, employers, and local businesses… all for being gay. I was horrified! It was actually communing with them, hearing their stories, and having an ounce of empathy that changed everything for me. Try it. Here’s to all my LGBTQ friends!
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Theology Only Makes Sense if Your'e Not the One Suffering
Here Jesus is in the exact same scenario as Job was with his comforters. All the theology in the world only satisfies those who aren't suffering. To those who are suffering, no matter how pious, lofty, or holy the words are, they do nothing to abate the pain. I claim almost all theology is created from a place of privilege. Just look at the theologies that aren't... Black theology. LGBTQ theology. Liberation theology. Disability theology... any theology that is on the side of the suffering, the oppressed, the marginalized... is considered radical and even offensive... not included in the main stream. Because theology only makes sense if you're not the one suffering.
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Exploring Faith and LGBTQ+ Acceptance
This is based on the original cartoon, Jesus Eats with the Black Sheep. Someone asked if I could draw it with LGBTQ colors, so I did.
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Jesus and the Church Go for Counseling
Jesus and the Church Go for Counseling Cartoon by nakedpastor David Hayward Do they have anything in common anymore? I wonder if they'll work this out or if they'll go their separate ways.
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Can A Marriage Survive A Change In One Partner's Religious Beliefs?
This post is sad but it’s real. Buckle up!When faith deconstruction strikes a marriage it can be devastating. By deconstruction, I mean the changing of spiritual beliefs, the loss of faith, or leaving the church. By strikes a marriage, I mean when one or both partners experience deconstruction.I am not going to sugarcoat the reality. My observation is most marriages don’t survive when one partner changes their belief system. I get messages from people all the time who are struggling in their marriages and relationships because they have changed their faith or religious beliefs. One thinks it's still okay to believe in God and the other thinks it's stupid to. One still loves the faith and the other hates Christians. One is perplexed by what they think is their partner’s naïve beliefs, the other is perplexed by what they think is their partner’s dangerous unbelief. So their relationship falls under strain, and they may end up separating and divorcing. This not only happens in marriage but in all our relationships. When Lisa and I started deconstructing our faith and beliefs well into our marriage, we had no idea what to expect. We had been madly in love for many years. We met in Bible College and served churches as a team for a long, long time. Our marriage almost didn't survive when I left the ministry. Feeling suddenly free from all limitations, I began being more authentic about my spirituality. We felt we were no longer on the same page, or the same book, or library! But time taught us that we were in the same story. Our story proved that we can grow together. We learned that compatibility of beliefs wasn’t the glue of our marriage. Love and the mutual respect love fosters was! Our relationship is richer for it. Here are 5 reasons why many marriages don’t survive spiritual deconstruction 1. They realize the only reason they got married was to have sex legally. They wanted to have sex, but the only way was to get married. Now, years later and starting to question everything about the faith and the church, they admit getting married just to have sex isn’t a good enough reason to stay together. Especially if sex is no longer an important part of the relationship. 2. They discover that they’re not really in love. They thought they were in love because of pressure from the church to behave as though they were. It takes a lot of self-awareness and honesty to say, “You know what? I don’t love him/her. I never really did!” Once they can admit that, then they realize there’s no reason to keep trying to make this work. 3. They conclude that it’s not worth the effort required to fix it. They realize they’ve changed so much and that they no longer feel compatible. Sometimes people realise that the person they are with is not the person they married, and they don’t have the energy or the time to try to fall in love with this version of their partner! They feel so out of sync with each other that the happiness is gone and there’s no point in continuing. Unfortunately, this happens. 4. They want to leave anything to do with their religious past. This may include their spouse. I’ll be honest with you: this was one that nearly broke up my marriage. I wanted to run from everything. I escaped religion and the church, abhorred the thought of feeling trapped, and considered walking away from my wife, my family, my home. Everything! It was one of the most confusing times of my life. Some don’t survive this impulse and do leave everything associated with their past, including their marriage. 5. They decide they got married too young. They've never known anything but married life. Some people who get married very young feel they have never colored outside the lines, and were never allowed to live authentically without being responsible to or for another. Related to this are people who discover they’re not monogamous or heterosexual or their assigned gender, etcetera. Often the woman decides she will longer participate in a misogynist or sexist relationship. Many go their separate ways in order to live their own way, something they’ve never done before. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving Sometimes, when deconstruction hits you and you change your beliefs, you might realize that you were never really in love in the first place, or that your love has died, or that the pressure and expectations of your church forced you to marry and stay together even though it wasn't right. The veil lifts, you see your marriage for what it is, and you decide that it might be better to go your separate ways. This is not failure. It’s self-awareness!Sometimes divorce is, sadly, the better option. However, a huge part of the problem is the stigma of divorce that survives in our minds from our religious days. In your mind, you think: God hates divorce and I should suffer long even in a terrible marriage because that’s always better than divorce. But, I do not judge anyone going through this or for the decision they make. Religious deconstruction is always messy. It’s never clear or clean.If you want to end your marriage, do it as well and as kindly as you can. The goal is the personal well-being of each person and taking the steps necessary to make sure that happens. If both partners want to make the marriage work, it’s not easy but it can be done. Ask me, I know! Here are 5 ways you can help your marriage and yourself survive spiritual deconstruction Don't be rash. When you were on the same page there was no need for patience. You had what you wanted: one hundred percent agreement. But as each person in the marriage begins to grow, mature, and change, disagreement is bound to and ought to occur. When one partner in a relationship changes, it forces the other to change. Marriage is like a crucible of transformation. We influence and change each other. This is what love does, actually. We make compromises (translate: improvements) in order to make our partner happy and our relationship more pleasant. So, when our partner starts to change, don't prematurely and immaturely dash out the door and abandon your partner or the relationship. Give it time: they will change again and so may you! Don't compromise too much. This one goes against a lot of info out there but it needs to be said (it’s also why it’s a longer section than the others). If your partner can no longer tolerate you, gives you ultimatums, or gets impatient and angry with you, and decides to leave, that's their problem, not yours. Their attempts to pressure you into a certain way of thinking is controlling and unfair. You didn't require that of them, and they shouldn't require it of you. The best and healthiest growth is natural and unforced. Everyone knows that. So don't compromise yourself too much by becoming what they demand you to be just so they'll be happy and stay with you. It's not worth it, because you are more important than the marriage. What I mean is, the healthiest relationship is between two consenting adults who don't manipulate or coerce one another. When you promised to take one another in sickness and in health, this meant spiritually too. So if they can't love you as you are right now, and as you are in your own spiritual process, then that's their problem, not yours. Don't sacrifice your essential self on the altar of their selfish insecurities and fears. Stay open-minded and curious rather than judgemental. As adults mature, they begin to understand what true love is - a safe space to grow individually without judgement. You don’t need to understand your partner’s religious beliefs or even agree with them to show your partner respect. Instead of pushing to shift their perspective, lean into curiosity. Ask, listen, and really try to see where they’re coming from. It’s not about winning an argument or being right— it’s about opening a door to deeper understanding and letting your connection grow stronger. Realise you are not alone in this and it’s not wrong. Thousands of couples navigate the complexities of different religious beliefs every day. There’s nothing wrong with you or your partner; it’s just part of the journey. There are plenty of resources out there, from books to professional counselors. Seeing a therapist can make a world of difference. But, a word of advice, look for someone impartial, who understands both sides without taking one. If you get a counselor who shares one partner’s faith, the therapist will struggle to stay neutral and focus on helping you grow together. Love with humility and respect. I was going to say love means tolerance, but tolerance has the ring of superiority to it‚ like, because I am right and you are wrong, I will tolerate you in your error until you finally see the light like I did and come around to my way of thinking! I definitely don't mean that. I mean love is humble and doesn't think of itself too highly. When we acknowledge that life is full of mystery, and all knowledge, beliefs, theories and conclusions are transitory and provisional based on incoming information, we can be humble about our own beliefs and respectful of our partner’s. Good scientists take this approach. Good partners do too. In mature, loving relationships, there’s a mutual respect that goes deeper than held beliefs. That is, we must trust our loved one to take care of themselves intellectually and spiritually. The beliefs are just thoughts rippling on the surface of a deeper reality called the self, and we trust their self to their own search and discoveries. When we trust each other and leave our insecurities and fear of judgment aside, we can discover a whole new and more authentic version of our relationship that is deeply rewarding. But only if we are brave, patient, honest, and open-minded. More resources for marriage and deconstruction of faith You can read my personal story on this blog post - How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstruction.You can watch this video, with Monica Alhbin from the G(ud)-Punkten podcast, where I talk about the terrifying experience of not knowing if my marriage would survive spiritual deconstruction. You can read my book, Til Doubt Do Us Part: When Changing Beliefs Changes Your Marriage.
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