Strengthening Your Marriage During Deconstruction

Deconstruction can feel like a lonely journey. But it doesn’t have to be.I keep saying it because it’s true: Communication is key. It’s critical.It’s the cure. If you’re navigating changing beliefs within your marriage, here are some practical tips for meaningful conversations with your loved ones: Arrange a time to talk: Being intentional makes all the difference. Promise you'll try to not get defensive. Speak descriptively about your experience, not reactively. Promise you'll try to not get judgmental. Hear your partner’s perspective without evaluating it. Have drinks while you talkLisa and I have scotch and Bailey's nights. Find what works for you. Settle in for a long talk.Deep topics deserve time to unfold naturally. If you have trouble articulating where you are, just try.Even if it’s hard, trying is what matters. Determine to be honest. Share your emotions, not just your thoughts.Share your emotions, not just your thoughts. Don't be insecure. Pretend you're not emotionally invested in the other.Act as though you’re not emotionally dependent on each other’s beliefs.  Trust the other is on their journey not by accident but by choice.Trust that they’re on their path for a reason. Realize it's not going to get settled today. This is a process, not a race. Why It’s Worth It Here’s what I’ve learned: Honesty is sexy. Connecting through honest communication can be very alluring. Finding compatibility at a deeper level can be very sensual. Discovering new facets of your spouse can be very romantic. Who knows where this could lead? For Lisa and I, it lead to a reboot for our marriage and our relationship‚ better than it's ever been. I wrote about it here: How My Wife and I Survived Religious Deconstructio Give it a shot! Read more about Can A Marriage Survive Changing Beliefs?

Doing Life While Deconstructing

I think the intensity of our deconstruction from religion losing our religion, changing our beliefs, deconverting, etcetera, corresponds with the intensity of the religious devotion we had. (Click on image for a digital download of it, or click HERE!) If religion was a superficial hobby for you, then deconstruction might be mild and easy. If religion was your everything, then deconstruction might be intense and difficult.For some, it's just a crossroads. For others, it's a crisis.For some, it's a slight turn. For others, it is a tragic accident. I've also experienced and observed different kinds of deconstruction: social and philosophical. That is, there is a deconstruction from the church and all that goes with it: family, friends, spouses, activities, responsibility, loyalty, spiritual abuse, etc. Then, there is a deconstruction from the beliefs we held: purpose in life, destiny, meaning, hope, afterlife, a sense of being loved, protected, and cared for, etc. Both are hard. If you do them simultaneously, good luck! Just like belief and church overwhelms your life, so does the deconstruction from them. It affects your mental health, your body, your appetite, your relationships, your sense of meaning and purpose, and your worldview. Everything! Nothing goes untouched. Just trying to do life seems impossible. It feels like we're being birthed into a new world where there is no oxygen. Nothing's the same. The trauma is total! Many don't understand those of us who experience it as trauma. So what? The important thing is to take care of yourself. One of the things you are going to have to deconstruct from is that you always have to worry about offending other people. That came with the theological and church territory. We were told that we could never ever offend anyone. If anyone was offended" by us, it was our fault and we had to fix it. That's false, and you will learn this during your deconstruction. You have to take care of yourself no matter what other people think. You have to find your own way post-church and post-belief. I tell this to anyone who talks with me about it: take your own sweet time. Do it your way. You will learn how to best take care of yourself. You are your own best caregiver. It's now time to start employing that aspect of yourself. Take care of yourself. You have permission.

Embrace All That You Were, Are, and Will Be

"Belief and Post-Belief Cartoon" by nakedpastor David Hayward BUY THIS CARTOON In the top frame, belief is small and separated from the whole truth. It is distinctive and exclusive. In the bottom frame, belief is a part of the whole, now subsumed in the whole of what is true. It is universal and inclusive. I think that the idea of our personal growth being linear is not the healthiest one. Rather, I think it is better to think of growth as spatial. We grow out, not along. If we think we grow linearly, this pressures us into rejecting our former selves. Here we may have feelings of denial, guilt, and shame for who we were and how we believed. This kind of personal growth is superficial as we attempt to find new labels to describe our new way of being. I think it is healthier if we think of our personal growth as spatial, because this encourages us to embrace our former selves. We learn how to graciously integrate, assimilate, and individuate all that we are and all that we have been. This perspective of personal growth is deep and meaningful as we integrate all that is and acquire a unified vision of ourselves and the world. What this means for you personally is that you don't have to feel ashamed of who you were. Even the parts that we feel inclined to feel shame over we can now allow it to incorporate into our stories as a part of our maturation process. An analogy I like to use is compost. Good compost is a mixture of shit and earth. The parts of us we want to reject and feel shame over is the shit that now we can fold in along with the good earth that creates a nutritious mixture in which we grow. It's all good. My advice is to refuse to jump from one glass into another because it just perpetuates the same sad cycle of constantly rejecting yourself. Instead, allow your wisdom to deepen and widen to include all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will be. Love your whole self from beginning to end, inside and out!

Navigating a Crisis of Belief and Being Kind To Yourself

It's a crisis of belief. A crisis of faith. A crisis of meaning. Many people who are not or weren't religious don't understand. They think it should be as easy as discovering there is no Santa Claus that we should just get a good dose of reality, grow up, and move on. Maybe for some it's that easy. But for most, no. Questioning your beliefs and all you've known is hard. The reason is our religion was all-consuming. It was everything to us. It defined us, our identity, our morality, our social network, our worldview, sex, the structure of reality, history, meaning, and so much more. It's not like getting over a cold. It's more like surviving cancer. Not that I compare belief to cancer. I respect belief as a part of our maturation process. So, I don't ridicule my former believing self, and I don't appreciate it when others do either. Healthy deconstruction of faith isn't like jumping tracks. It's not a sudden change of your life. It takes time. It's a process. Yes, our minds can suddenly change, like mine did overnight. But it takes time to assimilate and integrate this inner change with our outer world. So don't let anyone ridicule or rush you. Own it and take your time.This is your journey, not theirs. Respect it and embrace it so you can get to point B and whatever that is is up to you in good condition.

What Do Jesus and the Church Have in Common?

Does Happiness Really Begin at Home?

I noticed a decline in my mental health about two years ago. It had a lot to do with the news. So I stopped watching it. A few weeks ago we got rid of cable. We are taking active steps to stay off the screen as much as possible. That's hard to do since all of my business is online. But it must be done if I'm to take care of my mental health. I think we can all agree that we should seek our own happiness. Mental health is good. I think we can all agree that we should also seek justice in this world. Peace is good. How do we do that? How can we be happy and aware at the same time? How can we be happy and angry at the same time? I'm figuring that out on a daily basis. But I think a good place to start is to acknowledge the dilemma and work on it. Equanimity in the midst of chaos is a worthy goal.

Will You Ever Feel Alive Again after Leaving the Church?

There are two religious deconstructions: theological and ecclesiological. The first is mostly your thinking. You deconstruct from beliefs. The second is mostly social. You deconstruct from church. By the time I left the ministry in 2010 I had already deconstructed theologically to the point where I was at perfect peace in my mind. I still enjoy that peace of mind to this day. But, when I left the church in 2010, it took me years to deconstruct from it. At first I thought I was at peace. It felt good. But then after about a year I realized I felt good because I wasn't feeling anything! I was numb. Frozen! Shut down! This is how I coped. Lisa and I really did despair at times wondering if we would ever feel normal. We didn't even know what normal felt like, we'd been in the church so long. We wondered if we'd every feel alive again. Or, rather, if we'd ever feel alive probably for the first time. We were scared. That was a tough patch. But we made it. And I can testify that there is life after church! We found it and so can you. Want to know what will make it easier for you?

When You and Your Spouse Find Yourselves on Different Spiritual Pages

I see it happening all the time. And it makes me sad. I've had so many couple friends split up because of the deconstruction of their beliefs‚ of one or both of them. You already know my story. Lisa and I almost didn't make it. It took years to finally figure out how to love one another in fresh, new, and exciting ways. I've already written about this before because it's such a huge problem. And in a recent podcast, MindShift, we talked a lot about it. I can't count how many people I've coached through this traumatic process. I can't count how many members of The Lasting Supper are going through this and share it with our online community and find strength, support, and guidance through it. (I invite you to join us!) There are three basic ingredients you need to get through it, if you want to. 1. Memory: Remember what drew you together, what attracted you to each other, and what you loved about each other. That's the essence of your relationship. For me, I'll be honest, I was first attracted to Lisa because she was the hottest girl on campus. Then, when I started to get to know her, I was attracted to her feistiness, her strong will and independence, her deep wisdom, and her zest for life. Her beliefs weren't even on the list. Sure, we assumed a lot. But, forty years later, Lisa still possesses those same essential attributes, including still being hot, and that's what makes her so desirable to me and contributes to our sturdy relationship. Always has. Figuring out our different beliefs is a game played upon this sturdy board. Just remember why you're even together in the first place! 2. Grace: Have grace for yourself and grace for your spouse. Don't judge. You're not watching a snapshot, you're watching a movie. You're observing the wonderful unfolding of an individual's life in remarkable ways... yours and your spouse's. Trust that they know what's best for themselves, just like you're trusting yourself to know what's best for you. The journey of explorers is never in a straight line, but zigzagging all over the place, sometimes back, sometimes forward, but always towards the destination, whatever that is‚ which you don't know until you get there. We are strange and wonderful human beings. Appreciate that! Be as gracious as you were with each other in your earliest days. 3. Patience: When deconstruction set in for Lisa and me, it was frightening. We had never ever navigated these waters before. They were strange, dangerous, and completely unpredictable. We had to paddle by the seat of our pants because not much had been written about this stuff before. No one told us, for example, that it was going to be a couple of years before we would start feeling stable or even in love again. There were times, literally, when bags were packed and we were heading our separate ways. I hate recalling those moments because we really nearly ended a¬† really good thing. I had friends advising me to just do what made me happy. But I didn't trust myself though. I was confused. So, I made an important conclusion that I advise other people to follow too: Do NOT make a decision during confusing times. Wait for clarity! I'm so glad I did. Lisa and I waited for clarity. It took years, but it was so worth it. We're still together and better than we've ever been as a married couple. Get through this desert. There is an oasis on the other side of it. Promise. Be patient! I always provide a disclaimer with this topic: Some marriages don't make it. Some people decide they were never meant to be married in the first place, or realize that their marriage was never a good one to start with, or decide that there's just too much damage done to repair it. All these reasons, and more, are valid. I support people through these painful transitions as well. And I see many of them come through the other side of separation and divorce as happier and healthier people with a hopeful life ahead of them. Memory, grace, and patience. These will help your marriage survive deconstruction. Read more about Can A Marriage Survive Changing Beliefs?

11 Things I Miss About Church After Leaving

I've left the church. Many times. The last time I left was 8 years ago. It was painful every time. Here's just a few of the reasons why it was so difficult to leave. 1. Missing the Assurance: When I left the church, a profound cloud of fear enveloped me: "What have I done?" No matter how much you rationalize your decision, the years and years of indoctrination collect to shout out jeers and threats for your selfishness, stupidity, sinfulness, and shortsightedness. You have just willingly divorced yourself from God and his people, taken your first step closer to Hell, thrown yourself into the arms of the Devil, and destined yourself to an endless road of Perdition. You have officially branded yourself a Heretic. Lost! Of course this isn't true, but try telling yourself that! Over and over and over again. One of the most terrifying aspects of changing beliefs or losing faith is the fear of Hell and so it's common to miss the assurance you felt before you left.  2. Missing the Friends: The first time I left the church I imagined I would keep many of the friends I had there. I learned quickly that it never seems to work out. Even the last time I left the church, that fantasy was still burning in my mind. Again, it didn't work out. You lose friends. Maybe not all, but most of them. Period. You have to learn how to make new ones while you're grieving the loss of your old ones. Not easy. 3. Missing the Inspiration: There is something very inspiring about gathering together with others on pretty much the same page, in agreement, learning together and singing together and supporting each other. I love hearing or delivering a good sermon. Honestly! Most often I walked away refreshed and refueled for the next week. Learning how to do that by yourself is not simple. 4. Missing the Music: I was always involved with the music and worship. The last worship band I had rocked! I loved playing and singing with them. We had some great times and even made a CD together that's pretty good. Putting my guitar away after I left the church felt like losing a part of myself, and I never imagined that picking it up again would feel so complicated and emotionally charged. 5. Missing the Support: When I and my family went through difficult times, we always always had people around us who cared and actually did something about it. We've been given food, money, babysitting, cars, rides, help moving, prayers, company, words, vacations‚you name it. The church also made it easy for us to be generous and give. Now we're on our own, and the difference is noticeable. We are learning to be self-sufficient and generous independently. 6. Missing the Sense of Destiny: The last denomination I was involved with was the Vineyard. Prophetic words, words of wisdom, dreams and visions are a huge part of that culture. My life had meaning and a sense of purpose. I woke up every morning pretty much knowing what I had to do and where my life was heading. I had a destiny! Even though I now believe most of that was hype, I did enjoy living in that matrix of illusion. Then I took the red pill. Oh my! 7. Missing the Constant Validation: When you are in the church, you get a very strong sense that you are on the gospel train. You are doing the right thing being counted among the people of God. You are a member, and that gives you a sense of assurance that you are indeed saved, that God has his eye on you and that you are on the right track. When you get off that train, you have to build your own sense of assurance that you are okay, and that is an arduous but necessary task. 8. Missing the Activities: I have so much more time on my hands since I left the church. Frankly, I have time to get bored. I remember my first Sunday morning not going. I went for a walk around the time when cars where driving by on their way to church. Did I ever feel strange! It was hard not feeling like a delinquent. A sinner. I've gotten used to it to the point now where I relish my Sunday mornings. But that's not all. When you involve yourself with the church, it can become like a family with its 24/7 demands. Now I have to be self-directed. But I'm learning. 9. Missing the Children's Programs: Even though Lisa and I are learning our new way of life, we always worry about our children. They are amazing young adults now. But they have been exposed to all the crap that's been dealt out to us, and their impression of church is not rosy. We never slam the church in front of them, but they aren't stupid. They catch on. We don't want them erroneously believing that this means we are enemies of religion, the church, faith, or spirituality. They each have their own brilliant expressions of spirituality, but it's been forged by fire. Sometimes ours. 10. Missing the Feeling of Belonging: I fight hard for the church. Some people mistake it for me fighting hard against it. When pressed, I still say my family of origin is Christianity and that I love the church. I totally believe in the right of people to gather together volitionally, but in a healthy manner‚which is rare. I am also for spiritual independence. It saddens me when people assume that because I've left the church I am no longer in the game. When I was in the church, my voice was criticized as biting the hand that fed me. Now it is criticized as not deserving to critique something I'm not a part of. Can't win. 11. Missing My Parents Being Proud of Me: Even though I've lived away from my family home for all of my adult life, they still played a role in my leaving the church. It was difficult for me because not only was I leaving the church. I was leaving the ministry. This would be a great disappointment for some of my family. Leaving the church was disappointing for them too. But my family was pretty fair with me. However, for some people, their families can make it incredibly difficult and painful. I know some people whose families totally cut them off because they left the church. The implicit and sometimes explicit pressure to stay in spite of what you know is good for you is incredible. Please understand that even though most of these are really good reasons to stay in the church, most often they come at a price. Like the rabbits of Watership Down who were well fed by the farmer. But the deal was the farmer could occasionally harvest some of them for food and fur. In this case, none of the good the church offers is worth it for me. Do these reasons apply to you? Or, do you have other reasons?