The Naked Journal
Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor Art.
The Naked Journal
Deconstructing in Front of Your Family
A young woman is surrounded by her family staring intently at her. The caption: "Can you tell which family member is deconstructing?" How to deal with your family when you’re deconstructing. Some suggestions: You’re no longer an evangelist. You always had to be ready to share your faith. Now you don’t have to change anyone’s mind. You don’t have to convert them and you don’t need to be converted. You can accept people where they’re at and expect them to do the same for you. You can just be you with them even if they don’t like it. This is about peace. You’re in control of your life, not your family. Even if you were in a controlling home, you’re an adult now. An independent thinker! When you’re with people with differing beliefs, you’re still an independent thinker. They don’t control your thoughts. So don’t panic. You don’t have to believe them. This is about freedom. You decide how to respond. For me there’s active or passive mode. Active mode is when it’s about me and people want to know what I think. Passive mode is when it’s not about me and people want to just hang out. It’s not a lack of integrity to choose to be silent. This is about self-control. People don’t want to change their beliefs. So you won’t change them. But when they do start to question their beliefs, it manifests as genuine curiosity. This is when you can share your thoughts. Don’t argue or debate. It’s a waste of time. SO: You’re no longer required to change anyone’s mind. You’re in control of how you speak. Share your thoughts only when you want to.
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Navigating the Deconstruction Journey
The Relationship Between Belief Intensity and Healing in Deconstruction.The graph: the harder you believed, the harder you deconstruct. This is a generalization. There are exceptions but in my own experience and observations, this is generally true. When you are 100% all in- to the beliefs, to the church, to its leaders- and you start to doubt these things, it can be very traumatic. Like the stock market. When you invest everything into your beliefs, the Church, its leaders, and they all crashing, it can be devastating. Some will say that none of it was real so I really didn’t lose anything anyway. It was all a hoax. They walk away unscathed. But for many of us, this is not how it FELT. It was very real to us and to surrender that whole world, to give it up, to let it go, well, it hurts! That was me. And maybe this was you too. We totally absorbed the Bible. We totally invested in the Church with time, energy, and money.We totally served our leaders with zeal.We totally believed what we believed. We didn’t do it half-assed. Then, when we started to deconstruct our beliefs… to question our beliefs and lose the faith we once had and change our relationship to the church… those symbols (Bible, Church, Pastor) began to lose their charm and as a result their power over us. It’s not like our spiritual investments were compartmentalized in our minds and we could just amputate that. Our faith, beliefs, involvement and service permeated every aspect of our lives. Nothing was excluded. It stained everything. So please take comfort. This is normal. The intensity will simmer. You will slip into your new life and realize how magnificent it’s always been.
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When to Leave the Church
You can leave church for many reasons: bad teaching, lousy coffee, no youth group, terrible music, uncomfortable chairs. But there are two reasons to leave the church right away. When it’s abusive. When you can’t be free. Many leave the church for the first. More should leave for the second. Cartoon description: A woman leaves a church shaped like a cage. A man inside says "Wait! I wouldn't go out there if I were you!" I experienced a lot of the first and found a safer place.The reason I finally left is for the second reason. I migrated to churches where I could be free. But I eventually found a line I could not cross. My freedom was limited so I had to leave. I left the church in 2010 for this reason. I felt free until I realized I wasn’t free to fully become who I am. I bumped into the bars of the cage I didn’t know were there until I bumped into them. Do you know what I mean? That’s when I walked out of the cage into my freedom. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re trapped until you meet the line you must not cross. The cage seemed large enough for me. Now I know something important: THERE IS NO CAGE. I discovered that the bars of my cage were in my own mind. Imaginary! I wasn’t trapped at all. I was only afraid of the consequences of living my freedom. Freedom is scary. But if you live free in spite of the fear you will realize that you’ve always been free. You’ve gradually learned how to live in a cageless world. I learned how to do it. You can too! And it’s wonderful.
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Understanding the Complex Web of Abuse, Control, and Theology in Religious Institutions
It all came as a package. The abuse. The control. The theology. The denomination. The church. A woman leaves a church. The pastor says, "Just a warning: we've so conditioned you that if you leave it will absolutely KILL you!" Some said it was just the abuse so find it without the abuse. Some said I just needed to find it without a controlling leader. Some said it was just the theology so find a church with better theology. Some said it was with the denomination so find a better one. Some said it was the church, there’s a better one out there. I tried and couldn’t find them. Because they come as a package. I was never in a cult. But I was in cultish groups. There are groups that use cultish techniques: control, shame, guilt, mind-games, brain-washing, overcommitment, intense intimacy. What makes a cult is when it’s criminal, like involuntary confinement, kidnapping, violence, sexual assault, rape, and extortion to control its members. The commonality is the cult-survivor’s grief. They miss the intensity of intimacy they shared. I understood because that’s what Lisa and I missed too. But now I don’t want it back. Want to know why? Because it was a part of the package. Those intense feelings come in a symbiotic relationship with the style of leadership and the content of their teaching. It was a package. The whole thing was designed to control me. The only way to get free was to escape. What’s important, even more than community, is your spiritual independence and freedom. Then figure out how to be in a community. If a community violates your spiritual independence, leave. You must be free. I must be free. Together in healthy ways. Resources on Spiritual Abuse Here are a list of other blog posts I've written on Spiritual Abuse. 10 Reasons Why The Church Is The Perfect Culture For Abuse 5 Steps to Recover from Spiritual Abuse 10 Questions You Can Ask A Church To See If It's Spiritually Abusive What is Religious Trauma and How To Recognize It?
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How to Change in Front of Your Kids
A child in the backseat of a car says to his mom who is driving, “Mom, since we stopped going to church you’ve gotten really good at swearing!” HOW TO CHANGE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS I’m often asked how we deconstructed in front of our kids. I need to be clear: I don’t consider deconstruction an event, but a lifestyle. Deconstruction isn’t necessarily an ah-hah moment where we jump tracks to another one. Rather, it’s living a life committed to dismantling our conditioning. It’s a dying daily. It’s a behold we are a new creation daily. So our kids never witnessed us freaking out about beliefs. Rather, what they saw, and still see, are adults committed to growth whatever that means. They saw people curious about what was true and fearless to pursue it. If you think you need to bequeath to your children a solid belief system, forsake that notion now. You wouldn’t do that to yourself. Don’t do it to them either. Like a good teacher, we don’t just teach the what, we teach the how. Not “know this” but “find out”. Good parents don’t teach children how to be a mini-me's but how to be their own, autonomous, independent selves. When our kids saw Lisa and I argue, we also let them see us reconcile. We lived openly, transparently, and honestly, believing our kids would learn valuable skills on how to be authentic human beings in relationship with another authentic human being who were always growing. We let them see us doubt, question, explore, and discover. We let them see us change so that they wouldn’t be afraid of it and avoid it but invite it and choose it as a lifestyle. Change in front of your kids!Then watch them change in front of you!
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The Deaths and Resurrections of Deconstruction
Cartoon Description: A pastor says to a woman he’s counseling, “Yes you’re allowed to grow. No you’re not allowed to change.” THE DEATHS AND RESURRECTIONS OF DECONSTRUCTION Years ago when I was meditating on dying to self, I was vexed by the question, “But if I crucify my flesh, who is the ‘I’ who crucifies, who is the ‘I’ who is crucified, and who is the ‘I’ that remains?” Can’t answer that question. The pastor in this cartoon knows if we truly grow we will change. The only way he can maintain control is if he allows the illusion of growth but prevents change that he doesn’t like. The woman wants to grow but knows this requires change. She’s afraid of what this means.She’s at least used to who she is.And she has no idea who she could become. Perhaps “God” would wrestle with the same question:“How do I empty myself to become human while still retaining my self?” Can’t answer that. We can only live this question. I’m not the same person I was forty years ago. Twenty years ago. Ten years ago. One year ago. But I’m still me. Like Jesus in the stories: they say when he rose from the dead he was unrecognizable but they still knew him. True transformation is like this. It’s not tweaking, rearranging or augmenting. It’s a complete overhaul. A metamorphosis. Deconstruction. You know this. You know a kind of death and you know a kind of life.You know what it’s like to experience enormous loss and suffer personal grief because of the spiritual death you had to undergo.But you also know the new level of life you experience because you did it. You die. But behold you live.
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5 Stages Of Faith Deconstruction
Religious deconstruction is all about taking an honest look at the beliefs, doctrines, and practices you grew up with and breaking them down to see what still makes sense to you. Faith deconstruction is not as uncommon as you would think, although many suppress their changing beliefs or don’t voice them because they are scared of judgment or of losing faith-linked friends, family and community. Why religious deconstruction can feel like death Spiritual beliefs are a fundamental anchor to reality and our perception of the world. So when we shed them, it’s like death. And where there is death, there is grief and, eventually, rebirth. I’ve been through countless ups and downs on my journey toward spiritual freedom and authenticity (you can read how it all started here). To try to help other people who are on this same path, I’ve adopted Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief and applied them to spiritual deconstruction. The Stages of Deconstruction Digital Cartoon Also, I have to tell you that the stages of religious deconstruction are not always linear. And each stage also has mini-stages within it. Life, people, thoughts, and growth are not always neat, tidy, and predictable (which is beautiful, actually). 1. Denial of our doubts In the first stage of religious deconstruction, we try to ignore what is happening. We’ve been faithful believers, and now everything is crumbling. It's like cancer—we can't believe it's real. We may deny that our beliefs are changing, but they are. People often deny their changing beliefs because they don’t want to think about it; it's easier to avoid the discomfort. There's also the fear of being judged by others, especially by family and friends who might not understand. Questions lead to more questions, and that uncertainty can be overwhelming. Plus, many of us were taught that blind faith is the good kind, so admitting doubt feels like a betrayal of everything we've ever known. 2. Anger with ourselves and the church In the second stage of religious deconstruction—anger—we find ourselves furious with the church or with God for not helping us. We feel abandoned and let down by the very institutions and beliefs we once trusted. There's also anger directed inward, as we blame ourselves for not being "good" believers anymore. We thought we were better than this, and backsliding wasn't part of the plan. How could this happen? This frustration stems from a sense of betrayal and confusion, leaving us questioning the very foundations of everything we’ve ever believed..Bargaining We try to figure out another way to be a believer. We might promise God we’ll work harder at being a good Christian if God would just restore our faith. We look for alternatives. Liberal? Agnostic? New Age? We’ll figure out how to fix this! 3. Bargaining with God and trying to fix our faith In the third stage of deconstruction—bargaining—we desperately try to find another way to hold onto our beliefs. We might promise God that we will work harder at being a good Christian if only our faith could be restored. It’s a frantic attempt to regain some sense of control and certainty, as we think, "We’ll figure out how to fix this!" We might even try different versions of Christianity or church or other spiritualities to help us feel like we’re still okay. This stage is filled with negotiations and compromises as we grapple with our guilt for being “a bad Christian” and the loss of our former beliefs. 4. Depression and mourning our loss In the fourth stage of deconstruction—depression—things feel the darkest. This is when we realize we can’t go back and we don’t want to go forward. We’re stuck in a desert of doubt and fear. We face the death of our beliefs and our spiritual life as we knew it. Is this life now? Everything we enjoyed and found comfort in is gone, leaving us to gaze into a bleak future with no appealing options. It's a time of profound sadness and loneliness, as we mourn the loss of our former faith and struggle to find meaning in what comes next. Acceptance of our true beliefs Acceptance is a welcome relief from the struggles of faith deconstruction. We accept our beliefs have changed and our faith is dying or transforming. It’s not giving in to fate, but neither is it necessarily joyful. Just a serene acceptance of what is. This is a transition into a new way of being. Each moment is treasured. It’s a tranquil and wise phase. You face your future with dignity, poise, and a sense of fullness. Deconstruction is not bad. It’s growth into a deeper spirituality and a more beautiful way of living. It’s personal growth. It’s not easy but it is worth it in the end. Going through Christian deconstruction and need some support? It took me years to deconstruct. Like…DECADES. And in that process, I learned a lot. I believe that everyone deserves to deconstruct safely, without judgment, and with as much support as possible, which is why I've decided to share my deconstruction course for free on YouTube. You can watch all the videos now starting with this one. You may also want to join my online community of people experiencing deconstruction too… www.thelastingsupper.com
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Loving Your Family That Doesn't Understand You.
We're nearing Valentine's Day. Today we're talking about loving your family while you're deconstructing. Deconstructing in front of your family can feel like this. To you, you’re just asking questions, doubting, and even changing your beliefs and the way you think. But to them you are being deceived and carried away by Satan. Two frames. In the first one, “What you see when you deconstruct”, a woman is deconstructing her beliefs and has a lot of questions while she sees her family looking confused and upset. In the second frame, “What they see”, is the woman being carried off by the devil while her family reaches out in horror to try to rescue her. Most of us know what it’s like to move in a direction or become someone our family doesn’t understand. When I experienced my first major spiritual transformation… or crisis… which launched my journey into mystical theology, meditation, and philosophical and eastern thought… straying from my very orthodox Evangelical and even Pentecostal roots… I do remember the confusion I caused. Heck! Even I was confused! I learned very early that in order to live an authentic life I had to give up on being understood. Maybe this is why I cartoon and paint and write do videos and give interviews so much.Perhaps these are all my attempts at being understood. Yes, it hurts when your family doesn’t understand you.It hurts even worse when they don’t even try. In many cases though, even though we are not understood, maybe we are still loved. I hope that is the case for you. It was and is for me. If not, know you are loved and supported here in our community.
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Two Kinds of Deconstruction
Over the years of deconstruction as well as assisting others through theirs, I’ve discerned two kinds of deconstruction. One is deconstruction from the church.Two is deconstruction of belief. A dog with a sweater on that says, “BELIEF”, follows a woman leaving a church who turns and says, “GO HOME!” People leave the church for many reasons. They could be bored, or conclude the church is irrelevant, or are disappointed in the church’s lack of justice, or its greed, or they disagree with its teaching, or they experienced abuse there. However, they may not experience a deconstruction in their beliefs. In fact, many become more fixed and fundamentalist in their beliefs. Many have left the church because they believe it has strayed from its purest primitive origins in its teaching, liturgy, polity and practice, and crusade to restore its former glory. However, people deconstruct their beliefs for various reasons too. Usually its some kind of trauma (spiritual, psychological, emotional, physical, social) that provokes deep doubt and instigates a burning uncertainty. Usually, these people end up leaving the church, either because the church doesn’t provide room for spiritual trauma and upheaval, or because the church no longer makes sense in their new paradigm of doubt, uncertainty, and mystery. For many, the church is not a safe space for spiritual growth beyond traditional orthodoxy. I pictured this cartoon while on my run and had to draw it because belief is like this. Even though we experience radical changes in our lives, ones we’ve made or ones that happen to us, belief can tag along in weird ways as we renegotiate our relationship to it. But that’s okay because this is a journey and we learn as we grow.
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